Struggle

Life has been getting me down lately.  I've been having a pretty tough time, and I can't seem to get outside my own head.

So today I took the time to speak to someone.

Because I can't rely on others to fix me.  I have to do it.

And write about it.

Obvi.

You see, I loathe myself.  I have no faith in my abilities. My ability to parent my kids, which I think I'm shit at and which is kinda why I don't blog anymore because I don't want people to know how bad I am at this parenting gig. Today my son told me that he just wants me to play with him.  Heart fucking broken.

My job, my lack of skills, my inability to move forward.  I've been doing the same job for 11 years.  But it's my fault.  I've had no increase in pay.  No advancement. Nothing.  It's fucking depressing.  Every time that I think that I'm good at my job, I question why I'm still there.  Why am I still doing the same thing? Maybe I'm just not that good at anything.  Not everyone is clever and talented and good at things.  Maybe this is exactly where I need to be and this is it.  I'm not sure what I'm trying to say but the fact remains that I'm still doing the same thing 11 years later.  Speaks for itself really.

The fact that we are broke 99% of the time.  Living paycheck to paycheck, barely scraping by and  unable to do things on weekends with the kids as we literally can't afford the fuel.  Last weekend I used various gift cards that I found in my purse to buy fruit and bread for my kids to eat.

I don't know where I'm going wrong.

I was exercising, I was feeling happy, and then I wasn't.  And I started eating junk food all the time and my clothes got too tight and I looked in the mirror and just wanted to vomit.  I don't want to have sex with my husband because I don't respect anyone who would be attracted to this.  I can't look at myself in the mirror.  I feel angry alot.  I resent my husband's carefree attitude, my kids getting everything done for them, everyone else for being happy and succeeding in life, buying homes, getting good jobs, having well-behaved children...

Last week I was feeling so bad that I wanted to run away and leave my family and never come back. But I didn't want my kids to be sad. And miss me. And hate me.  Because mother's don't leave their kids unless they're awful scum of the earth human beings.

Right?

I was going to apply for a position today that I'm woefully under qualified for, but the thing is, that I could do it!!  I could do this job!  And I would love it!

But I was sick and scared and I didn't do it.

It closed this afternoon.

Which I guess is why I am where I am today.

Because I'm not willing to take risks and feel even worse about myself when I ultimately fail.  The perennial pessimist.

Is it any wonder that I feel as shit as I do?

Yes.  I'm working on it.

Yes. I know that this is irrational and I'm obviously having some sort of episode.

Yes. I'm a drama queen for sharing all this on my blog.

No. I'm not going to kill myself.  I wouldn't even know where to start.  And I'm way too scared to attempt ANYTHING remotely self-harming unless you count eating multiple bags of potato chips and chocolate chip cookies in one sitting...

I just need a stern talking to and to let go of my bullshit.  I just don't think I can dig myself out of that on my own at this time. And that's why we should always speak up and talk to someone if shit gets too much. 

It's not weakness.

It's ok to not be ok. 

Road Trip

We're one child down!

Wooohoooo!

Last Friday, we made the long drive to Womba (this is what my kids call the mining town where the in-laws live) and dropped off the first born.

By long drive, I really mean long.  Long drives suck at the best of times, long drives with 2 year old's is next level.

In the first 2 hours of the journey I think we heard 'Are we at Meme's yet?' 14675 times.

She also dropped things constantly.

M: Mummy!
Me: Yes Molly.
M: Mummy! 
Me: Yes Molly?!
M: Mummy!
Me: YES MOLLY?
M: MUUUUMMMM!  
Me: OH MY GOD YES MOLLY WHAT IS IT?! 
M: My dropped my doll. Can you get it?  Get it.  Get it Mum.  Get it.  My can't reach it. Get it. GET IT MUM! GET IT!

FML kill me now!

The constant demands for food, toilet stopping, food, picking things up, food, toilet stopping, is enough to make a Mum lose her mind.  About two hours in, I honestly thought we'd be flat out making it by nightfall, if at all. They were literally screaming whenever they saw a tree/cow/blade of grass.  Juffin had to have some stern words because I use stern words all the time and everyone just ignores me.

Mushroom was a peach in comparison to his sister and the point when they both fell asleep was a bit like heaven. 

Hats off to those who drive big distances with little ones. 

You guys are fucking crazy.

Or well stocked with the tech because our kids have none. 

Of course despite offering numerous times to drive, I was not given a chance behind the wheel so I read my books and dozed and assisted in dispensing snacks, picking stuff up and ignoring everyone.

Ahh. The joys.

I don't know if it was just the novelty of the initial trip or the fact that her brother was missing on the return journey but Miss almost 3 slept most of the way home, only waking just outside of Bowen when we stopped for fuel.

Sidenote, halfway between Collinsville and Bowen our fuel gauge went blank and it appeared that we were almost empty.  Being the thrillseekers that we are, we forged on.  As soon as we saw the service station we pulled in and filled up.  We got 57 litres.  It's a 60 litre tank.  We were inndeed running on fumes.

Life on the edge man, yeow.

We made it.  1100kms or thereabouts in 2 days.  Just over 12 hours of driving so my little big boy could spend his last week of holidays with the grandies.

I tell you what, it's bloody quiet without him. Molly is missing him the most in the afternoons but I think she's enjoying having us all to herself. 

And Mushroom is being spoilt, loving being the centre of attention and having a grand old time giving them heaps for a change.

I miss him and his crappy attitude.

Only 2.5 days to go...

I didn't even know that that light was on for hours... bloody kids!

Hello 2019!

Friends, acquaintances, fans, stalkers, haters, Happy Friggin New Year!  Thanks to all of you for being here and reading my silly little blog.  It means the world. 

As you know, it was a massive year for me and mine, and whilst I feel like every year of parenting brings new challenges and successes, 2018 was bigger than any other. 

I wish I had some gems, some words of wisdom to share but I honestly don't know how it's January already and another year is over.

Mushroom started school, Miss Molly turned 2, Juffin and I finally got hitched, we celebrated my sister's wedding to an amazing man, both of my parent's hit the big 6 0, we bought a new car, and I started increased hours at work. 

I'd like to say that I kept my fitness up, my healthy eating and hill walks but that went to shit mid-year.  It's probably the longest that I've kept to a fitness routine and I'm disappointed in myself because I really enjoyed feeling strong and healthy and I actually felt happier.  Of course there's no point in wishing that I'd not given up at all so all there is to it, is to start again.  So I have.  Losing weight is a just a bonus to feeling good.

I'm working more hours so I need to be super organised.  Juffin and I have had many arguments which centre around me having to carry the load, making sure the kids have lunchboxes every day, bananas that dinner is ready at a reasonable time, the washing's done, the kids have all the shit that they need for various activities. 

With Mushroom at school I have to remember what folder needs to be in the bag for which day.  Library day, sharing day, sport day.. of course for some reason remembering these things fall to me.  Which is bullshit.  Hence the arguments.  Juffin definitely pulls his weight but why do I have to remind him?  I wish that he'd take the lead and just get this stuff done without me asking.  Maybe 2019 will be the year that this will finally happen?!  I won't hold my breath but he knows my position so fingers crossed we can make it work. 

Which brings me to my new year's resolution.  Yeah I know, who the fuck has new year's resolutions anymore?  Why put that pressure on yourself?  But this is good. I promise.

This year I will be a nicer person. 

To my husband.  To my kids.  To my parents.  To my friends.  To my colleagues. 

I will make a concentrated effort to listen.  To respect others and as a result, I will be kinder to myself. 

You see I'm a bit of a fraud.  I don't actually believe that I deserve good things and obviously that's bullshit because everyone deserves good things, but for some reason, I don't believe that I do. 

I'm really hard on my husband, I say nasty things to him and I often put him down.  He will rarely, if ever, say anything nasty to me in return. 

I yell at my kids, and don't do enough with them.  I make excuses to not to take them places because it stresses me out when they misbehave in public. 

I feel disconnected from my friendship groups and wish that we spent more time with other families but feel exhausted by week's end.  I feel like my kids are missing out because I'm too lazy and can't be fucked. 

I could go on, but that's not constructive so I won't. 

I AM going to be more positive.

I am going to be the best version of myself that I can be. 

So here's to saying yes.  To making the time.  To priorities and team work. 

And when my husband doesn't hang the washing out because I didn't ask him to, I'm going to bite my fucking tongue and ask him nicely to do it. 

Because it's one small thing and who the fuck cares?   

Thanks again for being here and I hope that your 2019 is full of peace, love and lollipops. The way it should be