Hello 2019!

Friends, acquaintances, fans, stalkers, haters, Happy Friggin New Year!  Thanks to all of you for being here and reading my silly little blog.  It means the world. 

As you know, it was a massive year for me and mine, and whilst I feel like every year of parenting brings new challenges and successes, 2018 was bigger than any other. 

I wish I had some gems, some words of wisdom to share but I honestly don't know how it's January already and another year is over.

Mushroom started school, Miss Molly turned 2, Juffin and I finally got hitched, we celebrated my sister's wedding to an amazing man, both of my parent's hit the big 6 0, we bought a new car, and I started increased hours at work. 

I'd like to say that I kept my fitness up, my healthy eating and hill walks but that went to shit mid-year.  It's probably the longest that I've kept to a fitness routine and I'm disappointed in myself because I really enjoyed feeling strong and healthy and I actually felt happier.  Of course there's no point in wishing that I'd not given up at all so all there is to it, is to start again.  So I have.  Losing weight is a just a bonus to feeling good.

I'm working more hours so I need to be super organised.  Juffin and I have had many arguments which centre around me having to carry the load, making sure the kids have lunchboxes every day, bananas that dinner is ready at a reasonable time, the washing's done, the kids have all the shit that they need for various activities. 

With Mushroom at school I have to remember what folder needs to be in the bag for which day.  Library day, sharing day, sport day.. of course for some reason remembering these things fall to me.  Which is bullshit.  Hence the arguments.  Juffin definitely pulls his weight but why do I have to remind him?  I wish that he'd take the lead and just get this stuff done without me asking.  Maybe 2019 will be the year that this will finally happen?!  I won't hold my breath but he knows my position so fingers crossed we can make it work. 

Which brings me to my new year's resolution.  Yeah I know, who the fuck has new year's resolutions anymore?  Why put that pressure on yourself?  But this is good. I promise.

This year I will be a nicer person. 

To my husband.  To my kids.  To my parents.  To my friends.  To my colleagues. 

I will make a concentrated effort to listen.  To respect others and as a result, I will be kinder to myself. 

You see I'm a bit of a fraud.  I don't actually believe that I deserve good things and obviously that's bullshit because everyone deserves good things, but for some reason, I don't believe that I do. 

I'm really hard on my husband, I say nasty things to him and I often put him down.  He will rarely, if ever, say anything nasty to me in return. 

I yell at my kids, and don't do enough with them.  I make excuses to not to take them places because it stresses me out when they misbehave in public. 

I feel disconnected from my friendship groups and wish that we spent more time with other families but feel exhausted by week's end.  I feel like my kids are missing out because I'm too lazy and can't be fucked. 

I could go on, but that's not constructive so I won't. 

I AM going to be more positive.

I am going to be the best version of myself that I can be. 

So here's to saying yes.  To making the time.  To priorities and team work. 

And when my husband doesn't hang the washing out because I didn't ask him to, I'm going to bite my fucking tongue and ask him nicely to do it. 

Because it's one small thing and who the fuck cares?   

Thanks again for being here and I hope that your 2019 is full of peace, love and lollipops. The way it should be

Nice

Remember that saying?  If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all?  I'm not that great at it.  In fact I'm pretty terrible and can be a total nasty pastie when I want to be.

But that's not my point.  My point is that I've not been feeling very positive lately and hence my lack of posting.

I honestly didn't want this blog to turn into a full on whinge fest, FML tumblr, insert crying face emoji here but fuck you guys! Life with two kids is BLOODY HARD!

I went to visit my fam, it was fab, but also shit because my daughter refused to sleep much while we were there.

I haven't heard from the hospital so still have giant protruding guts and no closer to getting hernia fixed.

Molly keeps waking up at night since returning from family visit so trying to teach her how to get back to sleep without a boob in her mouth.

I am trying to complete return to work paperwork but have no childcare organised for my daughter and no brain capacity to make things sound good when I'm actually exhausted.

I keep yelling at Juffin like our crappy problems are all his fault when they're not and he's actually working really hard and is quite helpful re doing dishes etc but yelling makes me feel better and he's there.

I could go on and on and ON but it's shite, and it's not, because first world problems, you know?

Anyway this morning I was making up my giant plunger of coffee and listening to my daughter scream her little lungs out for the 30th straight minute and silent tears just started tracking down my face.  Exhausted and emotional, I just stood there staring blearily at the plunger whilst the tears fell, wondering how I was going to face the day.  And then I felt a sticky hand on my leg.

"Mummy," wide, hazel eyes look up at me, "Mummy what's wrong?  Why are you sad?  Are you hurt?  Did the coffee burn you?"

"No darling.  Mummy just feels sad because she's tired and doesn't think she's doing a very good job lately."

"Well I think you are Mummy.  I think you're the bestest Mummy in the whole world."

And then he hugged me and squeezed my face and said "I love you Mummy.  Now drink your coffee so you don't have to be cranky anymore."

Maybe I'm not doing such a bad job.