Wreck

I've been a bit of a wreck the last few weeks.  Things have gone a little awry.  I'm not sure where to start...

I turned 32 last week.  32.  Far out.  Where the hell did the last 15 years go?  I feel like I finished school yesterday but in actual fact it was 15 FRICKING YEARS AGO!  Reality check much?

Mushroom has not been the easiest baby to deal with over the last month either. 5+ wakings a night some nights, not sleeping past 30 minutes again throughout the day, crying, and screaming.  A lot.

Mushroom is also exploring his surroundings by tormenting me.  He punches, kicks, claws, pinches, bites, pulls and hits. It's awful.  Yesterday I actually cried as he ripped some skin off my nose whilst simultaneously pulling hair out of my head.  I literally had tears well up in my eyes and I had to stop myself from retaliation.  Funny how you instinctively want to smack them one right back but you stop yourself.  It hurt, and I was in labour for a really long time and that was WAY out of line. Some days everything is just so awful that I want to lay down on the floor with him and cry.  Ok, so I did that already.  Once.  It was a shit day.  

Breastfeeding has become an extreme sport with my nipples being twisted and pulled every which way as the little demon kicks and pushes up all over me wending this way and that.  I have had to forcibly hug him close to my body to stop him from ripping my nipple right off.  And he doesn't even have teeth yet.  I live in fear for dentine...

My relationship has been a little strained, not that I'll share the nitty gritty here but apparently it's extremely common for couples to hit a rough patch after they have children.  I know.  I googled it.

Last night I tried to have my Mum over for dinner and the Mushroom woke up 3 times before 9.30.  At that waking he wouldn't settle so my Mum ended up leaving and we were up with him until 11.30pm when I finally just said enough is enough, shoved the dummy in his mouth and walked out of the room.  He must have gone to sleep as I didn't hear from him again until 3.45am, sleepily fed him and he went back to sleep until 7.  Hallelujah.

This morning I woke up with no less than 4 giant pimples on my face, a bloated gut, bags that you could put change in under my eyes, terrible hair and no will to get out of bed.  I just want to crawl under a rock and not come out for a week.  Or a year.  Whichever.  I miss reading my books, watching my tv shows, drinking my wine.  I miss my boyfriend and how much fun we used to have together.  I miss not having to do 2 loads of washing EVERY SINGLE DAY.

The point of this post is, what are you supposed to do?  I know that I'm not alone.  I know that my Mushroom doesn't understand that he's twanging my last nerve.  He has developed leaps and bounds the last four weeks and I know that he's mostly just shitty because he's frustrated.  Frustrated by a body that won't cooperate, a mother that won't understand him and a world that seems a bit too big for him still.

I love my son so much, especially after today when he was so super clever and was thinking he was King Mushroom standing up at the lounge grinning at me.  I know that in a year's time I won't remember feeling this crappy, I'll have a whole new set of worries on my mind, but today, right now, everything is bit much and I'm going to have a glass of red wine and eat some chocolate lava cake, cuddle my boyfriend instead of yelling at him and try to feel like a human being again.

Oh and I might do a mud mask cos my skin is seriously up to shit lately.

Chocolate Lava Cake with Salted Caramel filling and
a dollop of double cream.  Heaven on a plate.  

Push up

Push up, your body, your body next to mine...

That's a song by the Freestylers and has been going through my head all day (you can find it here... warning! Very catchy and will stay in your head for a LOOOONG time!)

The reason for that song being in my head is because THIS HAPPENED TODAY!!

Approaches couch, turns to smile for camera, pushes up on couch and VIOLA! STANDING POSITION!  

Obviously my life is now over as we are fully fledged crawling as of last weekend and now bloody pulling up on things and thinking we're the cleverest Mushroom in the World.

Which wouldn't be hard as not really sure how smart actual Mushroom's are.

When did my boy get so big?!

Development

For my birthday ( Monday just gone) my clever little Mushroom started crawling.

He has been commandoing around the place for a month or so now, but Sunday was the first time he put arms and legs in motion together and tentatively did a few one two's before collapsing in a heap.

So clever!  My big ol heart just about burst with pride!

I thought that was enough excitement for one week but obviously not as about an hour ago he started to try and pull himself up on the couch next to me!  Where I was folding washing.  Ok, not exactly true, I wasn't really folding washing.  I was on FB on my phone.  Which I've been trying to cut back on with little success.  Stupid smartphone, stupid facebook, stupid stalkerish personality type!

Anyway, so not the point, the pulling up was the point.  What a clever little Mushroom!  Am now hastily rethinking floor plan in my mind and wondering where the hell I'm going to put everything...

Unfortunately, because baby's will inherently not cooperate with anything that you attempt to do, I have been unable to capture the crawling on film, so no photo to accompany this as proof of new exciting talents.

Here's a cute one anyway.

"Another photo Mum?!  Sheesh woman!"  

Whilst I'm super impressed with his awesome talents, I can't help wondering when I'm now going to be able to shower... why can't they just stay little forever?!  

Cockatoo

Or galah.  Whichever one is the loud screeching one.  Or are they both loud and screeching?  Because that's what the Mushroom has turned into.  A loud screeching cockatoo/galah who is doing my damn head in!

Obviously the Mushroom is learning new sounds every day, but this one has got to be the worst so far.  I haven't worked out whether it's a signal of extreme displeasure or profound joy as it seems to be getting a work out in both situations equally.  I have actually figured out when it's displeasure as it's accompanied by screaming and crying.  Didn't really need a degree to work that one out.  Not that I finished my degree, but  that's a whole other story.  

Lots of other noises and sounds are emerging as well.  Along with screeching we have baba, bbbaaaa, duh, mah, mmmmaaaaa, braaaa and the usual ach ach ah.  I have only heard the mumum and daddadada once or twice, never to be repeated.  There's also this weird thing where he puts his mouth over his hand and opens and closes his fingers.  Like he's waving.  But with his fist over his mouth and then does the sound that we used to do when we were kids pretending to be native American's. Interesting.   

My least favourite has to be the screeching/screaming/crying thing.  As this is done very VERY loudly.  Usually in the car.  Or the high chair.  Or on the floor.  Or wherever really.  And I fear the police may show up as people will think I'm murdering him.  But I'm not, just imagining it, and that makes it ok because I don't really do it.  I grit my teeth and talk calmly and softly to him and give him cuddles until he calms down.  

All the while imagining throwing a bucket of cold water over his screaming beetroot head. 

Ahhh, motherhood. 

Chatting away in his mario cart 

Disclaimer:  I shouldn't have to write that I don't really want to kill my son.  But I don't.  Want to kill him that is.  I know for a fact that every single parent in the World has had homicidal fantasies.  That's what being a parent is all about.  I love the Mushroom, he's the bomb.  He's just friggin loud, and it's super frustrating for the both of us when we can't make each other understood.  Hence the screaming!  Soon he'll be talking my ear off and I'll hate that as well... cest la vie!  

Six Months

I have not abandoned my blog!  I'm still here!  We've just had a crazy month last month and amongst other things, I've been trying to be a better housewife... it's a work in progress.  I made the bed this morning.  No shit.  Wonders will never cease.

Big cheese!  

We made it to six months on the 22nd and I cannot even believe that we made it this far!  I know everyone says it, but where did the time go?  I feel a bit silly about some of my earlier posts now.  I should have just been enjoying my little baby boy instead of worrying about every little thing.  I guess it's easy to say in hindsight and I probably wouldn't have listened to myself anyway so that's my grain of salt I guess!  I'm definitely making up for it now (insert smiley face here).  

The Mushroom has developed in leaps and bounds in only a few short weeks.  He can now roll across the room in record speed and loves tricking me by hiding under the coffee table! In the last few days he has started to pull himself up to a sitting position and enjoys sitting here and playing with his toes from this whole new angle.   

Flooring it 

Added to the rocking and rolling is now commando crawling arm over arm across the floor.  I'm well aware that my house is nowhere near baby proofed but I think we're both in a little bit of denial about the whole thing.  The Juffin seems to think a simple "No, don't touch" will work....  He is as deluded as I am.  I'm only realising now that this baby will eventually grow up into a real live boy and it's kinda doing my head in... 

Other milestones include babbling away with lots of new sounds like Dadadadddddad and Mumumumumum but not in reference to us, just in general.  I was so excited thinking that he was naming us but he wasn't.  At all.  Just having his Chatty McChat time.  It's quite obvious that he takes after me as he squawks away to whomever will listen, the cookie monster, his mobile above his bed, the floor... He's also squealing and screeching alot and then gauging our reaction.  Attention seeking so and so.  The boy is definitely getting loud!  

Loving the sweet potato and vegie spaghetti

Mushroom started having big boy food in earnest a week or two ago, before this he had only tried some rice cereal sporadically and random some fruit pieces.  When he started putting the spoon into his own mouth, we decided to do the three meals a day. We are trying BLW but we do spoon some food into his mouth as weetbix are a little hard to eat by hand!  Unsurprisingly, the Mushroom loves his food.  His meals look a little bit like this: weetbix with banana or peaches for breakfast, greek yoghurt with cous cous and pumpkin or vegie sticks with hummus for lunch and he's tried lots of different things for dinner like: spaghetti bolognese, sweet potato cubes, lamb madras, broccoli spears, hummus, beans, and shepherds pie (which we didn't like much!) Basically he'll have a toned down version of our dinner but with steamed vegetables.  He absolutely loves fruit but I'm trying to make sure he doesn't get too much.  Greek yoghurt is also a favourite.  I make sure he has lots of cooled boiled water with every meal as there have been incidents of 'blocking up' if you get my meaning... poor little Mushroom's face goes so red when he's straining!  

No teeth as yet but lots of ear pulling, and night wakings so may not be far away. As we're still breastfeeding, I'm in no hurry for teeth to appear! 

Lil poser!  

Our days are varied and I try to keep it fun and interesting for him which can be a challenge!  He likes to sit on the bench in his bumbo whilst I'm baking/cooking, banging on pots and pans and wielding a wooden spoon like a sword.  He loves singing and dancing, and I have the radio on all day so if a song takes our fancy we'll have a little dance around.  I have made fold the nappies into a game (this includes spreading the nappy out over his face whilst he squeals with delight push folded nappies over) and we're getting lots more laughs now. The Jolly Jumper is a favourite but I try to make sure he doesn't spend too much time in it.  We try to get out for a walk most days but sometimes it just doesn't happen!  On Thursdays we meet up with our friends at Riverway or the shops and it's nice to get out of the house.  Friday's are swimming lessons in the morning and usually out for the day visiting people, and doing some shopping.  Swimming lessons are a favourite and I'm so glad that we started so early. 

At six months Mushroom weighed 7.3kg and was 67cm in length.  He's wearing mostly 00 but like adult clothes, some of these are a little big but 000 definitely too small!  I went through a phase of dressing him in shorts and t-shirts but then realised that I wanted him to look like a baby for a bit longer and we're back to onesies and singlets with a nappy.  I just want him to stay small forever, sob....  there's no way I would have said that six months ago!!  

Foot in mouth

Step 1. Locate foot.

Step 2.  Put foot in mouth. 

Photo says it all really.  I love the crazy kid.   

Discovery

The Mushroom has discovered his feet.  And his doodle.  In that order.

I've been popping him in his Bumbo seat to watch me as I toddle around the kitchen baking, cooking, generally being my badass Masterchef self and I'm not sure when I noticed but he has suddenly become very aware of his little hoofs.  Usually he's totally mesmerised by my beauty and awesomeness but I turned around one day, to engage in him yet another witty repartee and he was staring with intense concentration at his foot.  As I watched he flexed and pointed his toes and then kicked, all the while staring in wide eyed shock and amazement.  

I can only guess at the inner monologue: 'They're actually attached to me.  I'm doing that!  I'm moving those things with the sheer force of MY MIND!  I'm a fucking SUPER BABY!  MUM are getting this shit?!' At some point he realised I was watching and gave me a big gummy.  I took the zillionth photo of the day.  Cute as shit this kid, I tell ya.  

The second, and probably if I was a man I would say the most important, discovery was his doodle.  We were doing a nappy change, and over the last few weeks he has become a wriggle monster.  I fear for his safety on the change table as the boisterous kicking and wriggling is getting out of control.  Can you rig up some sort of harness on that thing?  Has someone invented that yet?!  Anyway he's kicking my arm, kicking my chest, kick kick kicking away, arms flailing all over the place when suddenly he grabs hold of it.  Yes.  It.  He then proceeds to squash it.  SQUASH.   IT.  And then PULL IT!  He's pulling his pud!!!  OMG.  I have no idea what to do, or say.  The legs are still pumping all over the place and the other arm is windmilling but that hand is still attached to his little winky while he talks a mile a minute.  This is my approach:

'Yes Mushroom.  That's your penis.  Penis.' Big gummy grins.  Windmill, kick, windmill.  'Ahhhh, ooooooo, mweh, heeee'.   Continues to grasp at crotch area.  'Yes darling, that's your little doodle.  I mean your doodle.  I didn't mean to say it's little.  It's only little cos you're a little person.... not that your doodle is little.  I mean penis.  And it doesn't matter if you grow up and your penis is little.  Because size doesn't matter.  Does it?  Oh fuck.  Mummy has fucked up this speech royally!' 

Not only have I given him a complex about his doodle, I've also used the word fuck in front of him.  Again.  He's still jabbering away at me, oblivious to the harm that I may have already inflicted on his young psyche with that stellar parenting moment, so I gingerly remove his hand and finishing nappying him up.  Which he doesn't like.  My boy likes being nude.  Hey, who doesn't?  I try to get him to grasp his Wot Wot toy but it doesn't seem to garner as much interest as his own bits.  

At bath time that night with Daddy, Mushroom proudly shows him that he's found his doodle.  Juffin just laughs, says 'What have you got there?' and moves on.  Seriously.  Why didn't I just do that?  

"What did you say about my doodle Mum?!" 

Next time:  More stellar parenting moments 

Disclaimer:  I realise that little boys do play with their genitalia and that it's completely normal.  Ironically, so do big boys.  I also realise that I can't have possibly harmed my son's psyche yet.  I'm pretty sure anyway. That is all.  

Rolling, rolling, rolling!

I just realised how boring my blog has become of late.. baby won't sleep, blah blah blah.  So New Year's Resolution: stop writing about crappy shit and start regaling you with tales of wonderment and joy!

So here goes, last week the Mushroom rolled over.  And I fucking missed it.  Douche.

It went like this:

I plopped Mushroom down on his play mat in the lounge in the afternoon both of us chatting away, me telling him what I was going to make for dinner and him agreeing enthusiastically at my culinary choice and gesticulating wildly.  I pop him down under his jungle animals switch the lights and music on and head to teh kitchen, mere centimetres away.  He's still chatting away and I'm all 'oh really?  Is that right little man?' whilst I start cleaning up the bombsite of a kitchen sporadically sticking my head around the corner to check on him.  He's gooing and gaaing and carrying on and then commences the grunt.

The grunting started a little while ago. Whilst the Mushroom does what can only be described as a baby situp, pulling his head down to his chest and the legs stuck out straight and pushes his bum to the ceiling, effectively doing a crunch. This is accompanied by huge 'UHH.  NUHHH.  GRUHHH!'  Over and over again until he gets sick of it, getting all sweaty but remaining on his back.  I can only imagine that he is trying to get somewhere and it's not happening.  Obviously mega frustrating.  To aid in his attempt to journey from the confines of his mat, he has started using the posts at the edge of the mat as leverage and tries to kick off from there.  Exactly what he's trying to achieve is beyond human understanding but it's humorous to watch and he seems to have a good time sit-upping and grunting  for 10 minutes before screaming in tiredness/frustration/boredom.  

For all you Judgey McJudgeholes I'm usually right down there with the Mushroom playing with him and encouraging his little journey on with claps and sounds of adoration and praise but in the late afternoon I take the time to get some dinner prep started so it's at least half done by the time I put him to bed.  Mummy can't be in his face all the time!

So there I am rooting around in the fridge asking the Mushroom what we should have for tea and I hear a scream.  Not a 'Stop looking at me Cookie Monster' hanging from the mat scream but a 'I need you Mummy come here!' scream.  I slam the fridge door and race around the corner to find the Mushroom crying his eyes out on his tummy.  Yes.  He has finally managed to roll over, scaring himself shitless in the process. And I missed the whole thing.   I scoop him up and tell him how awesome he his, cuddling him and kissing his little tear streaked face and he calms down straight away, smiling and gurgling at me but when I try to put him down again so he can show me how he did it, meltdown.  Sigh.  No dinner prep tonight and Mummy missed the first roll!

I tried not to beat myself up about it, telling myself that he'll do it again soon.  But has he repeated this little achievement?  No.  Am I now thinking that it didn't even happen?  Yes.  I have even left him on his mat, telling him that I'm going to get dinner ready and pretended to go away, but actually hidden behind the couch in case he just had stage fright and does it again, but nothing.  More grunting, shunting along on his back and spinning around.  Damn uncooperative baby!

"Does my bum look big in this?!" 

Next time: Hopefully he's rolled over again and I will have seen it!

Seriously?

In the words of an infamous Australian, please explain.  If I get asked one more time whether my son is a 'good baby' I will have a hard time holding my tongue.  What the hell is a 'good' baby?  Define a 'good' baby for me please!

Let's look at the things that generally people are talking about when they say 'good baby':

Mushroom is a great night sleeper.  Now that we have settled into a good nighttime routine, he goes down without a peep 9 times out of 10.  Bedtime is generally around the 7pm mark so Mushroom will sleep from around 7.30pm to 2.30 - 4am, wake for a feed, then go STRAIGHT back to sleep until 5.30am.  In my book, this is frickin awesome.  I'm not kidding.  I don't care that he wakes up for a night feed, BECAUSE HE GOES STRAIGHT BACK TO SLEEP!  However, this does mean that he's not sleeping 'all the way through' hence I'm pretty sure that that disqualifies him from the 'good' baby moniker.

Day sleeping is another story.  Some days he will go down without any fuss, others he won't.  Sometimes he'll sleep for 3 hours, other times he'll only sleep for 20 mins and howl like a banshee.  Every day is different.  Now that he's a bit older, we're getting into more of a set routine but honestly, that could change in half an hour.  I guess that definitely puts him off that 'good' baby list as he's unpredictable and has been known to fuss about sleeping during the day.  

Mushroom cries sometimes.  Especially when he's cranky, wants to be picked up, is hungry or generally just feels like having a bit of a yell.  This is a baby's only way to communicate.  Late afternoon is the worst time as by the end of the day, he's generally had a gutful of the world and needs to go to sleep.  Most of us feel like crying at the end of the day too.  Because Mushroom cries, this obviously disqualifies him from the 'good' baby club.

Mushroom gets really fussy too.  He doesn't like being hungry, or having a wet nappy.  He will then shriek and whinge and grizzle until I attend to him.  Some days he's like that all day and I just put it down to him having his 'period'.  I guess this means he really can't be in that 'good' baby group.

Now that we've passed that magical 8 week mark, I feel much more confident about my parenting capabilities, I think that the Mushroom can sense that too, because despite a rough few weeks there, we're going great guns!  He smiles, he's 'talking' more, he's enjoying being on his tummy for longer periods.  We have great play time and good sleep time now too.  Mum can get the washing done and the cleaning done and even have a nap if she so inclines...

The next time someone asks me if my Mushroom is a 'good' baby I will politely say yes, of course he is, as what the hell else would I say?  But inside I'll be saying phooey to you and your 'good' baby.  I don't want a 'good' bloody baby.  A 'good' baby sounds boring as hell!  Sleeping all the time, not crying, coasting through...  My Mushroom is totally awesome and I love that every day presents a new challenge and that no two days are the same.  I love watching him shriek, and cluck and yell.  It's amazing watching him grow and seeing him become more aware of his surroundings.  I love that when I sneak in to check on him sometimes that he's already awake and greets me with a giant smile.  I like my 'bad' baby so much that I might even have another one in the future.... So there!

Trying to lift his 'bad' baby head off the ground! 

Next time:  Did the World end?

Congratulations. You suck.

The title says it all really. This post is going to demonstrate all the ridiculous bullshit that's out there regarding the raising of children.  And that I'm crap at it.  Already. 4 weeks in.

Today I received my weekly email from the trusty babycentre that lets me know what developments/milestones/problems the Mushroom may be facing at this particular time.  Mushroom is 4 weeks old today. And due to my lack of parenting skills, he may as well be 4 hours old.

Here's what I'm doing right: breastfeeding, changing his nappy, keeping him alive.

Here's what I'm doing wrong:

No tummy time
Mushroom hates tummy time.  He screams blue murder and I think he hates me because I try and make him do it.  Like you're supposed to. And he cries.  A lot.  And I keep persisting with it, even though leaving a newborn to cry is cruel. That's ridiculous conflicting information number one.  I have tried and tried and TRIED to get Mushroom to like tummy time.  I lay on the floor with him, sing songs, poke faces, stick toys/rattles etc near his face so he can be 'stimulated'.  Nothing words.  He cries and cries and cries.  Persist obviously but I just feel like a huge bitch.

Watching TV whilst breastfeeding
Yes.  I'm breastfeeding.  That's fantastic.  But.... I'm supposed to be 'bonding' with my child whilst breastfeeding.  Not watching Modern Family or Parks and Recreation.  Bonding through breastfeeding involves staring lovingly into your child's eyes whilst feeding, stroking and touching your child, talking to him and generally being a bit intense and hippyfied.  I mean I get it.  Sometimes we have really touching moments but from about 5 to 8pm the Mushroom feeds non-stop.  So I have to sit there and stare into my child's eyes for three consecutive hours.  Really?!

Having the TV on in general
So too much TV is bad.  We get it.  As much as I'd love to say that my kid is never going to watch TV that's obviously bullshit.  I read somewhere recently that your child should have zero 'screen time' before they're 3.  3!!!  That's because TV is the devil and it can shorten your child's attention span, amongst other things.  I can't see myself doing that at all.  I mean, yes, limited TV watching, but not no TV until they're 3, how the hell would you get tea on the table?

Singing, nursery rhymes, game playing
I don't know many nursery rhymes, or age appropriate songs or age appropriate games for that matter, for a 4 week old baby.  I'm pretty sure the Mushroom can't handle texas hold em poker as yet.  The other night when Mushroom was crying at 2am I sang him 'Under the Bridge' by the chili peppers.  It's one of the only songs that I know all the words too without having the actual song on.  I'm not sure that he liked it, but that was probably because my singing voice ain't exactly awesome.

Rocking/feeding/cuddling baby to sleep
All of these are bad.  And I do all of them.  Because otherwise, the Mushroom would never go to sleep.  And I would die.  Apparently I'm getting him used to these things and when he's older, he'll be used to all this stuff, and it will make it harder to break him out of that cycle.  I feed him, he gets drowsy, I put him in the hammock, he cries.  I take him out of the hammock, I cuddle him.  He falls asleep, I put him in the hammock, he cries. I take him out of the hammock, I check his nappy. I cuddle him, he falls asleep, I put him in the hammock.  He stirs and grunts and carry's on, I rock the hammock until he goes to sleep. Do you see my  problem here?!  Besides, you're not supposed to leave a newborn to cry...

There's more stuff that I'm not doing either but I just can't be bothered listing all of my failings as a parent for all to see.  It's just depressing.  Where does one find the time to spend all this quality fun time with their baby?  There's so many things your supposed to do, that I just lose track.  How can you be an awesome, attentive mother, a great partner and lover to your other half and take time for yourself as well? It seems impossible!  I have so much respect for those women who have toddlers and other children and look after a newborn too.  I don't think I could cope with that at all!!

I guess I'm over thinking everything.  I just got really jacked off whilst reading that stupid email because it made me feel like a failure.  And I've only been doing this for 4 fucking weeks.  Mushroom is not smiling or laughing, or 'gurgling with pleasure', he's not holding his head up during tummy time, because it's such a chore that I don't make him do it everyday, and I don't see any recognition when he looks at my face or hears my voice. He does like my smell, and my cuddles, but I'm pretty sure it's just the milk he can smell on me that he likes!  

I mean he seems fine..... for a baby, I guess. Who am I kidding, I have no fucking idea?!  I've never done this before! And the internet sucks.  I think that I may have to go on a self imposed Google ban because it's not helping my sanity at all.  Nor is this damn heat.  For the first time in a long time, I feel like a cigarette.  Heaven help me.

"Damn you woman!  I hate the tummy time!"

Next time:  I promise I won't smoke, I won't be negative and I won't disparage Google, because Google is everything.