Crisis

My daughter turned 7 months old yesterday.  7 months!!  And it's been a rough day.  I was up at 11 last night, then from 3 till 5 something with a crying, teething crankster.  I don't know if its due to the lack of sleep but I've been wondering, is it possible, at 35 years of age, to have a mid-life crisis?

I found photo's from school yesterday.  Hidden behind another photo in a frame, there was four or five shots from my teen years.  Being the 90s, we didn't have smart phones, which is great but also shit as I literally only have a handful of pics of me and my friends from this time.

Anyway, one of the photo's was of me sitting at a desk at the local newspaper when I did work experience.  I'm 15.

All I wanted to do, since before I can even remember, was be a journalist.  The next Jana Wendt.  So what happened?  It's 20 years later and I've done nothing in terms of a career.  I literally have no qualifications at all.

I started university but didn't finish.

I started certificates but didn't finish.

I've spent thousands of dollars attempting to get qualifications that I don't have.

Tonight Juffin asked me what I wanted to do, like really wanted to do for a job, and all I could think of was this blog, and editing books and that's never going to happen because it's too late.  I've missed the boat.  I fucked around, procrastinated, made excuses and now, now my chance at a career is over.

I actually cried and told him I couldn't talk about it.

Who in there right mind would hire someone to do a marketing job who's just turned 40 and has never worked in the field?  Why would someone do that when they can hire a 20 year old who has more experience, more know how, and is willing to work for half the price?

So I'm sitting here, feeling sorry for myself, wishing that I'd put at least a little bit of effort into using my brain for study and learning and not wasting it by re-reading the Tomorrow When the War Began series for the 6th time.

Because I'm not a teenager anymore.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who feels like this?  What the fuck am I going to do for the rest of my life?

And just because, here's another photo of me when I was a mere babe, because I'm like a poster child for the 90s minus the black choker and my lipstick is actually on point.

Study

Can I just say that you all totally kick arse?! Seriously!  I love how supportive everyone was after my last post re douchebag ultrasound technician and bad experiences at lovely radiology practice.  You guys are amazing and wonderful.  It's amazing that you even read my stupid blog, but to reach out and provide support, AWESOME!  

SO THANK YOU!!

This week my son went back to daycare and the Juffin went back to work and I attempted to do some well overdue study.  

See how I used the word attempted there? 

Study and I don't have a good relationship.  I'm what educator types would call a CRAMMER.  That means I wait until the last possible moment and then sit down and somehow scrape in by the skin of my teeth. 

I think I'm addicted to the adrenaline. 

In my defence, my online study provider, Open Colleges, sucks total balls and I receive zero support whatsoever.  

I'm also doing what COULD possibly be classed as the HARDEST, most RIDICULOUS, and OVER INFLATED certificate IV in the history of certificate IV's.  

Just saying. 

Anyway, 2015 was total shit.  My computer died, I had a number of health issues not limited to losing a baby and my left fallopian tube, a manic toddler and another pregnancy and this all amounts to fuck all study getting did.  

So I sat down and tried to bang some shit out. 

The bowl had chips in it, Because study requires fried potato products.

Yes, that's a pillow on my chair because my fat pregnant arse was going to sleep on the hard, unforgiving timber. 

I have set goals.  

I will stick to set goals. 

I will finish this fucking mammoth task and I will be marketing genius and all around awesome human being. 

If I don't, I will cry and feel shit about it for a very, very, long time.  Like that time that I didn't finish that degree that I'm still paying off (insert hysterical crying face emoji here) 

If anyone in the area is willing to sit down and help me I would literally love you forever and pay you in baked goods. 

I'm a good cook. 

I will make you fat.

I promise. 

I'm desperate.