Happy New Year!

I wish I could say that I spent my first day of 2018 productively, but that would be a big, fat lie.  I spent my day rolling around in bed, watching Veronica Mars, which I've seen in it's entirety about 4 times already, and eating things I shouldn't.

I woke up with a bad headache. And not from drinking too much alcohol last night.  I wish.  I think my period is on its way, yay... not.  No, we took the kids to see the family fireworks at Riverway, and, I don't know why, but this morning I woke up feeling a bit shite and sorry for myself so I left the boys to it, after putting Molly down for a nap and I retreated to the AC cave that is my bedroom.

At some stage this afternoon I felt guilty and thought we probably should have organised something to do today, something fun, like take a day trip somewhere, but it was too late, and I feel shithouse about it.  So I took the kids for a big long swim and threw Mushroom around the pool a bit.  Don't get me wrong, he had fun with his Dad today, they built lego, watched movies, created things, I just feel like we should have organised something.  It's the first day of 2018 after all, and he starts school soon....  I don't feel like I'm winning any parenting awards.

2017 has been our toughest year yet.  Mushroom has been especially challenging.  His behaviour has gotten pretty shocking.  Hitting, yelling, hurting his sister, disobedience and defiance.  I'm not sure what to do to be honest.  I'm trying to be consistent, not lose my temper.  It's hard.  Last night, he just went mental.  He was running around crazy, throwing stuff in the air, pushing his sister over.  It was like he'd never been outside before.  We had to threaten to leave a few times and Juffin had to use his Dad voice.   It was only when they announced that the fireworks were starting, did he sit down.  And my goodness!  He was so mesmerised and full of joy, that I started to cry. How can you be so challenging?  And frustrating and defiant and then be so lovely and sweet!  He was snuggling up to me with his little face to the sky in total awe.  I had the realisation that in all his five years, he'd never seen fireworks in real life before.  He used words like magnificent and amazing.  I felt so awful.  So guilty.  It was a bit of a moment.

So I'm selfish.  That goes without saying. We all like doing specific things and I'm no exception.  It's just hard to drag around kids that won't listen, who won't stay still, who misbehave, who cry when you say no to that giant icecream/packet of chips/ride and then you have to deal with all the judgey looks from all the people staring as you drag your son away and chastise him through gritted teeth.  Add stupid heat to that equation and you've got a shite situation.

I don't deal well with it but I need to stop worrying about it.  It's making me crazy.  I love my kids and this year, I'm going to try harder.  After the shit year that 2017 was, and all the amazing help that we received, I am only hoping that 2018 is a tad better.

I'm going to try harder and be there for my kids, do more, listen more, be 'present'.  I want to give back to my community a little bit.  I'm going to stop yelling at Juffin, stop being jealous of others and what they have, read more books and watch less TV.  Move more and be more mindful of goes into my mouth.

I just want to be a better Mum, lover, friend, colleague and family member.

Not much right?

Hahahah

Tiring them out after a lazy day

Selfish

Is it selfish of us to have kids even though we have no money?

To elaborate, we don't own our own home, we have debt and probably won't be getting rid of it any time soon, and we have no savings to speak of.  I have no idea how people survive on one wage as we are just scraping by on two.  

Ever since we got pregnant, I can't stop focussing on the things that we don't have.  A house, savings, no money for holidays or nights out...

If the Mushroom gets sick, we don't have money to fall back on.  If one of our cars dies, that's it.  No special toys, And I wonder if we are doing our Mushroom a disservice by not owning a home, or having money in the bank.

The reason why I'm banging on about this, again, is that my Grandad passed away on Valentine's Day.  Like most of my extended family, he resides in New Zealand, so getting there can prove costly.  Meaning I miss my Grandfather's funeral on Wednesday.

I'm used to missing out on things due to our financial circumstances and I have gotten used to it, but today, knowing that I won't be attending his funeral, today it has really upset me.  It's like rubbing salt in an already irritated wound.

This morning I spent a good hour or two sobbing quietly whilst looking at photo's and reminiscing to myself whilst the boys had a sleep.  I even wrote a few things down and tried to fathom how for 25 years of my 33, my Grandparents managed to look exactly the same to me.  Not old, not young, just grandparent-like.

Lost in my own world, I didn't do any washing, didn't get any cleaning done; I didn't do any of the things that I normally do on a Sunday.  I just cried in the morning and then felt bad for the rest of the afternoon.  Not even visiting my friend and her new baby could help shift this feeling.

Of course I understand that we are well off compared to the majority of the world's population, but today, when we have maxed out credit cards and not much in the bank, all I can think about is how I will miss my Grandfather's funeral and it's all because of money.  I hope that he understands how much I loved him and how much I'll miss him.

Hopefully one day, we won't be struggling to keep our heads above water every damn day.  I don't know how we'll get there, but it will happen and when that day comes, I'll re-read this post and shake my head.  But today, I'm just going to wallow.

(image via LiveLuvCreate.com)