Remember me?

Hi guys!  Remember me?  I've just been over here trying to cope with the fact that my daughter is now one, and my son goes to school next year.

One!

School!

Where the fuck did the last 5 years go?  I have no clue.  I literally cannot fathom the passage of time.

Things that have happened since I last posted:

• Juffin got a new job!  Huzzah! 
• I started a book club
• Mushroom started eating more vegetables
• Molly turned 1
• Nga (my Mum) came to stay 
• Wine was consumed 
• Our first family camping trip 
• Mushroom went back to not eating vegetables
• I got my hair done
• I finally had my hospital appointment 

On Mother's Day my MIL took some photo's of us.  She's been begging me for ages and I just hate it.  I hate having my photo taken because in a photo, you can't hide the fact that I'm a whale.  It's a hard pill to swallow.  I mean you know that you're fat, but when you're looking at a photo of yourself and you're literally taken aback by what you're seeing.. I'm just quietly dying a little bit inside.   

So she took some photo's.  I wish I'd known and dressed better, put a nice plain shirt on Mushroom, got Justin in a button down, had Molly in some handmade, but they're not awful.  And while I am not happy with my appearance, I am happy that we are smiling.  I am happy that my kids are laughing and healthy and loved.  And I am happy that we've stuck it out and we're still here, together. 

Us - 2017

 

Slip

Mushroom slipped over tonight.

On a piece of flat lego.

He howled for at least half an hour and I laughed silently for at least half of that time.  Until I realised that his howling would probably wake his baby sister and then I started hissing at him to stop carrying and be quiet.

Can you say Mother of the Year?

Also, can someone please explain why a four year old boy is moodier and has more attitude than a 14 year old girl?  Always with the dramatics!  He literally threw himself on the floor in a flurry of tears and howled.

I'm in serious trouble.

Unrelated, I hosted a Tupperware Party the other day and if I ever attempt to do that again, please tell me not to.  Stress on a whole other level.

I had so many baking fails. Like three fails, in three hours.  That's unheard of Jessica's kitchen.  So this is my note to self, don't host parties where you do all the food, including making pastry and don't apply for MKR 2018 cos I clearly can't cope with the pressure.

Just don't do it future Jess.

Please share with me your Mother of the Year moments.  I am still laughing as it was so comical watching him slide across the floor and do the splits.  I felt bad for a second but I was shuddering I was trying not to laugh so much.

Please tell me I'm not the only one....

Hey!  I'm super dramatic and insane!

Disclaimer:  The above photo was taken in the carpark at the pool.  I was not driving and taking selfies.

I only do that when the kids aren't in the car.

Just kidding.  I don't selfie in the car.  That's dumb. Don't do it.

Another Year

Happy New Year to one and all!  Another year is over, where did the time go?  I was going to post about how shit it's been, but ya'll have read my blog, so you know that the shift from one to two children has not been easy for me.

Well that's not entirely true, to be fair on Molly, I honestly don't think that the addition of her to our family has made life that much harder.  It's the financial issues that we have faced this year and the stress that comes with not knowing how you're going to pay your bills and afford to feed your family, that's what has made 2016 particularly hard.  It's sadly all consuming but we are still very lucky.  We both still have work and a roof over our head thanks to my very, very, understanding and generous parents and help from our families.

I have learnt so much about myself in the last 12 months.  One of the biggest realisations is that I don't handle stress well.  I cry. A lot.  And I eat.  I also lash out at my partner more than what's fair and try to blame him for all that's wrong with the world.  I don't sleep enough and I lay awake tying myself in knots worrying about things I can't change until the baby wakes up.  I don't look after myself and spend way too many hours on my smartphone comparing my life to everyone else's and wishing I hadn't eaten that second muffin.

None of this is healthy, I know.  It's like I've been in some sort of holding pattern waiting for something to happen, but reality has hit.  I'm back at work on the 23rd.  Yep.  Work.

I am scared to put my uniform on because let's be honest, it probably won't fit.  Sausage Jess it will have to be.  I have tried exercising but when you can feel your stomach popping in and out of a hole whenever you bend at the waist, you don't really want to continue.  I should probably curb the eating and I WILL try.  Try being the operative word.

It's been a mad rush this week but I've organised for Molly to go to the same centre as Mushroom.  I tried in vain to find family daycare for her, and came up short.  I'm not willing to travel 20+km when I'm only a 7 min drive away from my office now.  At least this way they're both across the road and I can duck in when needed.  I've been expressing quite regularly so have quite a good freezer stash of breast milk going... I'm a bit nervous.  I'll be honest.  Molly hates being away from me and whenever she has spent time with my MIL she cries the whole time and sleeps 20 mins at most.  Fingers crossed for a smooth transition...

Assisting with my good moods has been the addition of agonising pain leading up to and during my period which is only since having Molly. I don't think the hernia is helping but I'm pretty sure this is just the way my body is going to be now. This week I was in so much agony I could barely get out of bed.  Breast feeding means I can't take much in the way of pain relief so I feel really excellent. Endometriosis is super fun.  My Doctor has recommended a mirena but I'm nervous due to the mental factor and I already have issues controlling my emotions.  I was hoping that Juffin would get the snip and we'd be all good but due to my ongoing issues with my girly bits it seems like I may have to get the mirena so my pain and other symptoms settle down.  Being a girl is awesome... not!

So I want this year to be different.  I have tried to be positive and active but my body hasn't been co-operating.  I don't have new year's resolutions but there are a few changes that I want to make in 2017.  I'm hoping that these changes will help me cope with things a little better and be happier within myself

• Spend less time on social media and more time connecting with friends and family in real life and on the phone. 
• Spend more time outside 
• Incorporate patience into my life, particularly with my kids and my partner, as I seem to have patience everywhere else but at home.  
• Be kind to myself
• Do more good deeds 
• Start reading books again 

And, last but not least, I hope to blog more!  Sharing my blog with you, and sharing in this way in general is so cathartic.  It makes me feel less alone.  Thank you to everyone who has read, commented, and shared my blog over the last year and beyond.  It means the world.  It really does.  

 Hopefully more of this in 2017!

Balloon

Kids say the darnedest things right?

I've been feeling a bit woeful about my fat arse of late.  Well fat everything of late.  I still look like I'm about to give birth and I actually gave birth 7.5 months ago.

Sure the hernia isn't helping but neither is the extra weight that I put on, AFTER having a baby.

Whoever said breastfeeding helps you lose weight is full of shite.

Anyway, a tight budget and even tighter pants, have made me pull in the reigns.  I've started working out again and banished potato chips from the house.

God I love potato chips.

Today Mushroom and I were swimming in our lagoon like pool and I was doing some water resistant exercises because old, fat and dodgy knees, make water exercises a very good option.

"Mummy what are you doing?"

"I'm just doing some stretching and exercises."

"But why?  Don't you need your conmuter?"

I've been doing workouts from youtube on the back patio.

"No darling.  I'm just doing some exercises under the water today. It's too hot out there now and Molly's asleep"

"But why you doing exercises?"

"Because exercise is good for you.  Remember?  We all need to do exercise.  Besides Mummy needs to make her bum smaller."

"But I like your bum Mummy.  It's like a big air balloon."

Followed by 5 minutes of cackling and continued variations of the following:

"Big air balloon, big air balloon bum, bum balloon, air balloon bum, BALLOON BUM...."

I weighed myself tonight and I've not lost a single gram.  Not one after three weeks of being active and not stuffing food into my face mindlessly.

That coupled with the fact that my arse is a giant balloon was enough to drive me to eat peanut m&ms.  

Tomorrow is another day.

Peanut M&M's wouldn't melt.... 

Wednesday

My children are literally driving me insane.

Today I got so angry I envisioned ripping the four year old's leg off as he ran away from me.

That might sound totally over the top and pretty crazy but I tell you, the Mum rage is real.  I know it is because I feel it everyday. And I'm honest.

People don't talk about it because 'my kids are my life, I love them so much...' blah blah blah.  Yes, you love your kids, we all love our kids, but fuck.  Sometimes you just want to kill them.

Molly won't sleep at the moment, she's teething, constantly trying to stand up and face planting and obviously turning 13 soon because she's heaps of fun to be around.  The non-stop crying and screaming for my attention is in no way annoying at all. She also wants my boob in her mouth at all times and actually pulls off to yell at me if I try and do other things like go to the toilet, drink water, prepare food. I know!  How dare I?  I'm such a bitch cow.

The Mushroom will not leave his fucking sister alone.  Pushing her over, carrying her around, snatching things out of her hands and generally being a total shit.  When he's not tormenting her, he's tormenting me by ordering me around, screaming in my face that he's lost a Lego bit, or demanding food and/or attention.  But not that food, that's YUCK MUMMY!

We went to Kmart this morning as Molly decided 20 mins sleep was enough and Mushroom was literally climbing the walls.  We were there 3 minutes before we had a screaming match in front of the Lego, accompanied by a crying baby, and then another screaming match as the four year old used his body weight and lay down whilst holding onto the pram in protest of leaving said toy section.  Lucky shoppers got to view another tantrum mere moments after the first!

Of course we managed to find the photo frames, the real reason for our visit, and Master Mushroom admits, of course, that he desperately needs to go the toilet.  I can't deny that I looked around for a pot plant but we made it to the register and the toilet on time.  If we'd left without the goods, there was no way I was coming back.

It took longer to get ready and drive there than the time we were actually inside.

I don't know why I try to get out of the house.  I clearly need to stop thinking that they'll behave if I go out.

Just when you are contemplating hiding in the wardrobe to scull a bottle of vodka, you walk into the lounge and there is this...

That's a dirty tea towel.

And, yes, he is naked underneath it.

Give me strength.

Nice

Remember that saying?  If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all?  I'm not that great at it.  In fact I'm pretty terrible and can be a total nasty pastie when I want to be.

But that's not my point.  My point is that I've not been feeling very positive lately and hence my lack of posting.

I honestly didn't want this blog to turn into a full on whinge fest, FML tumblr, insert crying face emoji here but fuck you guys! Life with two kids is BLOODY HARD!

I went to visit my fam, it was fab, but also shit because my daughter refused to sleep much while we were there.

I haven't heard from the hospital so still have giant protruding guts and no closer to getting hernia fixed.

Molly keeps waking up at night since returning from family visit so trying to teach her how to get back to sleep without a boob in her mouth.

I am trying to complete return to work paperwork but have no childcare organised for my daughter and no brain capacity to make things sound good when I'm actually exhausted.

I keep yelling at Juffin like our crappy problems are all his fault when they're not and he's actually working really hard and is quite helpful re doing dishes etc but yelling makes me feel better and he's there.

I could go on and on and ON but it's shite, and it's not, because first world problems, you know?

Anyway this morning I was making up my giant plunger of coffee and listening to my daughter scream her little lungs out for the 30th straight minute and silent tears just started tracking down my face.  Exhausted and emotional, I just stood there staring blearily at the plunger whilst the tears fell, wondering how I was going to face the day.  And then I felt a sticky hand on my leg.

"Mummy," wide, hazel eyes look up at me, "Mummy what's wrong?  Why are you sad?  Are you hurt?  Did the coffee burn you?"

"No darling.  Mummy just feels sad because she's tired and doesn't think she's doing a very good job lately."

"Well I think you are Mummy.  I think you're the bestest Mummy in the whole world."

And then he hugged me and squeezed my face and said "I love you Mummy.  Now drink your coffee so you don't have to be cranky anymore."

Maybe I'm not doing such a bad job.

Four

This post is a bit of an update post because my daughter is already four months old.  Four whole months!

Huh?!  Four Months!!  

Even worse, the Mushroom is turning four in October. That's four YEARS old!!

It seems ridiculous.  Unfathomable even.  Time is literally evaporating in front of my face and my kids just keep getting bigger.

Molly moved into her own room over the weekend.  Unlike the Mushroom, there was no decision made.  There was no discussion, no umming and ahhing.  I just put her in there for day sleeps to see how she went and when that was successful, decided to pop her down in there one night and that was that.  She's gone from two wake ups to one.

I haven't taken the hammock down yet.  That seems too final.

Unlike Mushroom, I am not keeping track of the time as closely.  I think little Miss is 19 weeks tomorrow.

Molly has started rolling.  When she can be bothered. And loves laying in the middle of the lounge room, nappy less, kicking herself around so she can see what her brother is doing.  You know, pushing up with her legs and wiggling along on her back.  She's pretty fast too.

She likes chewing her fingers, her rubber fish, blankets, Mummy's clothes.... She drools a lot but there's no sign of any teeth just yet.

Sleeping is hit and miss.  We swing from 3 hour day sleeps to 40 minute power naps, and there's no rhyme or reason with how the day will go. We have learnt to just go with it.  You may remember some stress on my part regarding sleep with my son and while I worry that she's not getting enough sleep sometimes, she's  generally a very happy little girl.  Ahh the lessons I have learnt!

We have lots of smiling but still no laughter.  Juffin, Mushroom and I are trying our very hardest but all we can muster is a squeak.  She's very, very close!

Unfortunately for Juffin, I think Molly is going to be just as chatty as Mushroom and myself.  If I leave her line of sight there is major attitudal squawking, and as soon as I return, big cheeky smiles.  She burbles and gurgles to herself non-stop and loves yakking away with Mushroom who likes telling her big bullshit stories.

No idea where he gets that trait from...

We haven't started solids yet and probably won't for another month or so. We did baby led weaning with the Mushroom and I'd like Molly to be able to support herself sitting before we try real food. She seems very interested in dinner time and we make sure she is right next to us so she can see what's going on.

I'm still breastfeeding exclusively and we haven't tried a bottle yet.  Stupid I know but it felt like there was plenty of time to try and now we've entered the 'fuck it's going to be a shit fight' stage so too hard basket.  I know that she'll take one if she's really hungry... We've also been too broke to go anywhere anyway so really no need to attempt bottle feeding, hah!

At her four month check up last week Miss Molly weighed in at 5.25kg, and measured 58cm in length.  Only 100cm more and she'll be as tall as me!  We're still in 000 for clothes but not sure we will be for much longer, especially over her cloth nappy bum.  Can you say teletubby?!

So here we are, two kids, both in bed sound asleep, me in bed, not far from sleep, a kitchen which needs cleaning and a partner who's focused on his maths homework...

Sidenote; Juffin commenced university study a while ago and is fucking killing it.  I'm so proud of him.  He's the bees knees when it comes to maths and science!

This guy!  Heart eyes!

Anyway, I knew that life would change going from one to two kids, but I didn't realise how much.  I thought I would have time to study, to exercise, to play.  But it seems that I don't have much time at all, despite not working.  The endless cycle of cooking, cleaning and washing doesn't seem to stop.  My attempts at exercise have been feeble at best and walking with a 4 year old on a balance bike who likes to stop dead in front of you every 20 seconds is frustrating as fuck!!

Molly's face!

I barely speak to my partner without little ears listening these days and most of the time we end up texting each other during the day so we don't get interrupted, or I try to stay up late so we can have a proper adult conversation.  I know you're supposed to make time for each other for the sake of the relationship but that seems nearly impossible at this point. We're doing okay though, and even though I miss him a little bit, I know that he's working hard for our future.

If I'm not preparing food, I'm cleaning up after the eating of food and then preparing food for the next meal.  I shit you not.

We do cloth nappies, which means there's always washing.  Hanging, taking off the line, folding, putting away... Molly is a bit of a chucker so there's her multiple outfits everyday and my spewy tops.  The other day she spewed on my shirt and because of the angle it wasn't anywhere near my face where I could smell it, so I just didn't bother getting changed.  I wore that spewy shirt for the rest of the afternoon.  That's real life right there.  At least I've trained the Mushroom to put his clothes away now, that's one male in the house who does....

So life is a bit hard of late, and the money thing is stressful.  I worry that I don't play enough with the kids, that I yell at Mushroom too much, that I give in too easily when faced with coffee, chocolate and/or tantrumming three year olds, but I know that we're lucky and that's all that matters.

Where it all started...