Rant

This teething business is really getting to me and I'm wondering where my happy little boy went.  I'm just grateful that he can't talk yet as I'm pretty sure he would be telling me to get f'ed and f off at every opportunity.  The poor little sod is so damn miserable and it's just making me feel cranky as well!  Today I had the worst headache, only exacerbated by a whining Mushroom who wouldn't feed, wouldn't sleep and wouldn't

Today I visited my regular baby mama forum and I noticed that a woman had put up that she wasn't coping 2 days into being a first time Mum.  Traumatic birth experience, baby won't stop crying, no sleep, can't eat anything, partner not very helpful, you know, the usual.  Whilst everyone was posting positive wonderful fuzzy things, like 'oh those newborn cuddles all make up for it' or 'don't worry, it gets easier' I just wanted to post the following: 'Yep, it's shit, and it probably will be shit for a really long time.  So get used to feeling like shit.' I didn't.  Poor dear will figure it out soon enough.

People tell you it's shit, you just don't believe them.  I mean, how could you possibly know until you've experienced it?  And why else would we keep reproducing?!  Definition of stupidity or what?  Of course, those cuddles do make up for it, everything is worth that feeling of wonder and joy when you look at your beautiful creation.  But at the time, like 2.37am after 40 mins of sleep, it doesn't really feel like it's worth it at all.  Especially if the pregnancy was awful, the birth even worse, and you're baby blues is well under way!

I think women put too much pressure on themselves to be awesome.  An awesome mother, homemaker, colleague, friend, lover.  To be perfectly honest, I'm a shite friend, a crap homemaker (though Juffin is still getting baked goods every now and then so he's happy!), a bad colleague as haven't seen workmates in forever, and don't even go there with the whole lover thing.

Can you see the streak of grey?!

I'm definitely not a 50s housewife.  My house regularly looks like a bomb hit it, which the Juffin then cleans up when he gets home from work.  Poor man.  I'm flat out getting the nappies washed and folded every day but have no idea what I do in my 'downtime' as it's definitely not housework!  I miss appointments, forget what day it is, and think it's a successful day if I manage to have a shower, brush my teeth and get a load of washing done.  I'm winning if I remember to get some meat out of the freezer for dinner.  I have no idea what is going on in the world which BC (before child) would have meant ridicule from my former self.  As for vacuuming, what's that?   

My hair is falling out at an alarming rate, but not the grey's, they're just multiplying.  My skin is greasy and has started breaking out again and I look like a hippopotamus from behind.

Some days I wish I could walk out the door and just keep walking.

But I don't, because before everyone gets all high and mighty, I love my Mushroom, and I love my Juffin, and I love my life.

But some days it's just hard and that's just life, innit it?



 

Four Months

4 days

Where has the time gone?  What happened to my baby boy that was too small for even 0000, who would sleep all day and snuggle into my arm?  Time is moving too fast and I wish it would slow down.

At 6.61kg my Mushroom has now doubled his birth weight, is rolling both ways, talking non-stop and trying to commando crawl across the lounge room. We're still exclusively breastfeeding, (though this has had it's challenges recently, see my post on rubbernecking here), bathing in the big bath now and still trying to eat our own feet. Mushroom is not interested in snuggling much now, he always wants to look around and take it all in.  If you're holding him, he's looking at everything but you.

Whilst there are elements of my old life I miss, mostly the drinking of hard liquor, my new life is not really comparable as it's totally different.  I get up at 6.30 every day and I'm greeted with the most beautiful smiles.  I eat breakfast at the table with my boyfriend whilst our son plays on the floor at our feet.  After Juffin goes to work, I youtube a bad 90s song and the Mushroom and I have a crazy dance off.  Mushroom squeals with delight as we rocket around the bedroom jiggling crazily.  

4 months 

During our day we'll play peekaboo, swim in the paddling pool, practise rolling on the floor, have story time, sing songs, do photo shoots and bake for Daddy Juffin.  In the afternoons, if it's not 1000c, we go for a walk to the shops and buy some milk, or some bread, or a bag of lollies that I manage to scoff on the way home therefore undoing the whole point of the walk. 

Each night at 6.15 Juffin gives the Mushroom a bath and I take 5 by myself but usually end up in the bathroom laughing with my two gorgeous boys.  Bedtime quickly follows and I sit down to a meal with Juffin and we talk about our day.  Washing, dishes, TV watching and showering follows and I'm in bed, another day over.  

It felt like it crept up on me, this motherhood thing.  All through my pregnancy I was a little bit detached, like it was happening to someone else.  When the birth didn't go to plan, it made me feel like a bit of a failure and as I struggled to cope in those first few weeks, I thought maybe I had made a mistake.  Four months on and I'm now wondering why I didn't do this earlier?!  I yak on to all and sundry about my amazingly awesome son, and my old self cringes in embarrassment as I pull out the phone so I can show the cashier at the supermarket a recent photo.  Yep.  I did that.  It sounds cornier to admit, but I live and breathe this child and I feel silly for ever doubting myself.  This is the hardest thing I've ever done, bar none.  Motherhood is damn hard work and I have even more respect for my amazing Mother now.   

This week the cold hard reality of returning to work and income has reared it's ugly head and I'm trying to manipulate the numbers but they all say the same thing.  Best case scenario would be winning lotto and never working again but unfortunately that's not going to happen.  A girl can dream.   

Never

Before Mushroom the following sentences would never have passed my lips...  

"No, one drink's enough for me, thanks."

"It's ok darling, it's alright."  I mean who says darling?!

"Such a good boy, slept until 6 so we got a sleep in" 

"Does this shit look a little green to you?" 

"I'm just going to do some pumping" (not of the iron variety)

"I don't care if he wakes up for a night feed...."

"Do you think that the pineapple I ate is affecting my breast milk?"

"Who's a good boy, who's a good boy?!" After Mushroom does a giant turd.  

"I haven't had time to read anything lately." (Saddest one for sure!)

"I've got to go to the Willows Markets" 

"Thank you for making me porridge Juffin, yum."

"I can't have a coffee, I've already had one today."

"At least I got to have a shower this morning!"

"I got all the floors and the washing done today, so productive." 

"Go to Coles babe, the wipes are on special at Coles." 

"We managed to get a good walk in today, was awesome!" 

"No babe, please don't touch them, my nipples are too sore"

I think that last one may a have been a little TMI but it's true.  Who'd have thunk it?  

Grinny McGrinhole 

Next time:  Has sleep found us?  Will I ever get to do the Christmas shopping?  Could Christmas just be fucking cancelled this year?!