Here we go again...

I'm wondering what it's like to have one of those baby's that just falls asleep peacefully and quietly.  Like my son does, at bedtime.  But not any other bloody time.  And before anyone tells me again, yes, we've tried the save our sleep.  My sleep doesn't need to be saved.  His does.

Despite a respite of a few days, Mushroom has gone back to his usual catnapping ie sleep for 30-45mins then wake only to be a grizzly guts.  It takes me at least an hour to get him back down and usually about 30 mins in I get the shits and just pick him up play with him for a while.  I know, I know.  It's just so hard to listen to him cry.

Last night I told the Juffin that I was going to try and be tough today and put my foot down.  This morning he woke at 6.15.  We started winding down for 20 mins before nap time around 7.15, so we did a short top up feed, cuddle and into the hammock by 7.30, drowsy but awake.  I then said Mummy loves you, sleepy time and left the room.

Like a nutcase stalker, I then stood outside the door with the stopwatch and cringed inside as my son grizzle, grizzle, grizzled, for about 7 minutes then started crying.  It took all my strength not to go in there and pick him up immediately.  I waited a minute (that's all I could manage :-() and went back into the room.  I hadn't decided that I wasn't going to pick him up until I saw his little face and he stopped crying immediately and smiled.  And then yawned.  Like a lion yawn.  Little shit.  So I just patted his chest, avoided eye contact, did the shushing thing and waited until he stopped crying, said Mummy loves you, sleepy time and left again.  The crying started before I even got to the door this time but I just faked it and kept walking.  I stood by the door for a while and he stopped crying straight away but was still grunting and grizzling so I went and had a bit of toast.

Crying commenced again as I was halfway through my second bit of toast.  I was thinking that I had successfully managed to put him down for a nap and was congratulating myself on being mother of the year... idiocy.  As the crying sounded a bit more urgent I went back into the room and tried the shush pat thing again... which didn't work.  So I picked him up.  Mushroom lets rip with a giant burp and a bit of spewies down my back and calms down again.  Now feel like worst mother in World as he was obviously gassy earlier and I just left him there.  Terrible.  I rock him a bit, do some shushing and pat his bum for a while then put him back in the hammock.  Which he hates but doesn't cry just protests by grizzling a little bit and yawning lion yawns.  Obviously tired!  I'm standing there indecisively then realise I have to leave again so I march out of the room quickly before he can sense my weakness.  Again I hang around outside the door but I can only hear yelps of protest and general grizzliness, no crying so I decide to go and hang the nappies out.

In the time it takes me to hang the nappies out (2 mins max) Mushroom has nuclear meltdown.  Nanny goat screaming is in full swing and I am panicking thinking that I have been outside dilly dallying for ages but check the time and it has literally been 2 minutes.  Obviously my son has inherited my flair for the dramatic.  There's no shush patting these hysterics away.  I pick him up and rock him, murmuring lovely things like Mummy loves you and it's ok etc etc ad nauseum for a minute or two but it's not abating.  There's real tears flowing now and I'm feeling worse and worse for trying to force my baby to go to sleep on his own.  I think I'm making things worse by getting worked up as well so try taking deep breaths as my son continues to scream right next to my ear.  I surrender.  We hop on the bed and I shove my boob in his mouth and there's instant calm.  My son looks up at me as he's furiously sucking away with such pain and anguish that I feel like I've been well and truly played but also that I'm a terrible Mother because I a) gave in and b) I didn't give in sooner.  I can tell it's going to be the worst day ever and it's only 8.15!

I feed him for a little while until he calms down and then hold him until he falls asleep and then finally put him down for a nap.  Take note of the time people.  It took me over an hour to get him down for a nap.  AN HOUR.  He should have been asleep by 7.30 instead it was more like 8.30.  And he'll probably be awake at 9.30!  In fact I just heard cry out then but no noise since... far out.

So this is where I ask for help.  From anyone.  Please.  I don't need help with night sleeping.  Night sleeping is wonderful.  He is only waking for a feed around 3.30-4am now and goes straight back to sleep.  It's the napping I need help with!!  I don't have caffeine in my diet any more, no chocolate and I try to only keep him up for an hour and 15 minutes tops.  However as it takes me so long to get him to nap, this then means he's been up for close to 2 hours and obviously overtired!  I may as well just start trying to put him back to sleep as soon as he wakes up!  It's a stupid vicious cycle.  The weird thing is that he'll sleep when I go out during the day with no worries.  Shopping centre, park.  Just doesn't seem to want to at home or other people's homes.   I wouldn't mind the catnapping if he was fun to play with but he yawns a lot and gets very grizzly very quickly so is obviously tired and needs more sleep.  I'm just not sure where to go from here!

This nap in the beanbag was only 30 minutes 

Next time:  Growth spurts, wonder weeks, developmental phase... wtf?!

Bliss

I was going to post about the DVD I watched called Dunstan Baby Language which was pretty damn interesting but I did something totally selfish today and thought I'd write about that instead.  I went and had a 3 hour pamper session at the beauty therapist and holy, what a load off!

At my baby shower some of my lovely work colleagues put in and bought me a gift voucher for a local beauty joint.  I know that people love buying stuff for the baby as baby shower gifts but honestly, this gift was like the best thing ever.  After the last two weeks of me swinging between sanity and full blown mania, constantly wanting to kill Juffin, drug Mushroom and myself and/or take up the cigarettes again, it was totally time to use it!

Juffin had his last day of work today and the voucher was only valid for another month. What better opportunity?!  I had intended to use it before Mushroom was born but just ran out of time... alright, that's not entirely true.  In my pregnant state I got totally addicted to this terrible TV show called Teen Wolf that my gay bro (shout out) recommended.  Whilst being utter crap, the boys are unbelievably cute so well worth it.  I've now admitted that and will endure the eternal embarrassment of mentioning it here. Honestly, pregnancy makes people do stupid things, but while we're at it, I still love Dawson's Creek and that has nothing to do with pregnancy.  Pacey forever!!!

I dug up the voucher from the bowels of my nappy bag, and decided to give them a call, on New Year's Day.  When they were obviously closed.  Yes, I'm crazy.  I have no concept of time now that I'm at home all the time and Juffin is usually my clock but he's off work as well!  It's so bizarre, used to live for Friday night and now have no idea what bloody day it is!  Now that I'd decided to use the voucher I was being a negative Nelly and thinking that they wouldn't be able to fit me in that late in the week.  Someone also made the comment that they just rush you through when it's a voucher as well, which totally bummed me out... see negative Nelly!

Cut a long stupid story short, made appointment, expressed a gazillion mls of milk and toddled off this morning leaving the Mushroom in the capable hands of Juffin's Daddy Daycare.

Even though half of Townsville has seen my box now, (not because I'm a ho, but because I had a baby!) I still don't like being naked in front of strangers but obviously had to for full body massage!  I just kept thinking to myself thank God I put on my one pair of decent knickers and not the giant preggo nanna knickers that I've been getting around in still!  Before leaving to let me to nude up, Magic Hands told me to jump up on the table when I was ready... except I'm really short and that table was quite tall and there's no little step to help me out.  I start panicking that she was going to come back into the room and see me fartarsing around so I jump up on the table with bits wobbling all over the place and try to snuggle down under what could only be described as a mountain of fluffy towels, or without exaggeration, as a molehill of fluffy towels.

Magic Hands re-enters and we begin.  The usual 2 min blah blah chat commences and I'm just like, shut the hell up and get on with it lady!  Oil is applied, lights are dimmed (THANK GOD) and I am whisked away by magical fairy forest music to a heavenly land where baby's don't cry and boyfriends hang out the washing... ahhhh!  That first 40 minutes was like heaven.. bliss on a giant fluffy brown towel.  Then I realised that my bladder was getting uncomfortably full and because I've been on my tummy for nearly 45 minutes  my boobs/nipples are on fire from being squashed underneath my generous person.  We finally flip over and I pray that the lights are dim enough that she doesn't see my lack of bikini maintenance.  Sorry, you guys didn't need to know that, that was probably way TMI!

I am rubbed all over.. ALL OVER with beautiful smelling oil.  My feet are then soaked in a herbal spa thing, whilst my face and décolletage are cleansed, steamed, ex foliated, masked and moisturised.  After my feet have soaked they are scrubbed and masked, toenails clipped, filed and painted and my feet are then massaged and moisturised all over again.  I'm like having the best time ever, except for that nagging full bladder but I'll be damned if I ask to go the toilet!  I'm not interrupting this serenity for anything!

During the 3 hours that I'm lying there I think often of the Juffin and the Mushroom, I know I'm not supposed to but seriously?  I'm even left alone in the room for twenty minutes 'to relax' and nearly jump down and get my phone out of my bag to make sure everything is alright but give myself a lecture and talk myself out of it.

After being massaged within an inch of my life, I leave smelling like heaven, a giant smile on my face and rush to the toilets where I pee for 3 minutes continuously. On the mad dash to the bathroom, I check my phone and the Juffin has informed me at 9.15am that the Mushroom went back to sleep and all is well, he is still sleeping when I call back from the toilet stall at 12pm.  Yes, I called Juffin from the toilet.  I am a mother now and I was worried.

I have spent the rest of the day floating happily on cloud 9.  Mushroom has had two more good sleeps today, we went splashing in the paddling pool and had lots of smiles and cuddles.  I haven't been that relaxed since probably before I found out I was pregnant!  Moral of this blog is I am so buying gift vouchers for beauty treatments as baby shower gifts.  It's not something that you would buy for yourself very often, if ever, (I know I never would) and when done well, like today, you feel like a million bucks.  So worth the cost.  Mummy's need time away to feel special.  Best gift ever!

Mushroom chilling on his towel 

  Next time: Say it with me - Every baby is different!

Horrendous

Holidays from hell.  Christmas, New Year, a Juffin that's home for two weeks and a Mushroom that won't sleep again.  Welcome to my nightmare.

I'd like to reiterate that I love the Juffin.  He is an amazing man, wonderful lover, awesome friend and fabulous housemate.  He cooks sometimes, he cleans most of the time, he does the bathroom as he know's I hate it.  He does 99% of the washing up and mostly remembers to put his dirty clothes in the basket.  I love him so very much but far out.  This parent thing is hard and I seem to be taking it all out on him!  I can't seem to stop myself.  I'm turning into a heinous bitch!

When baby's get tired, they display tired signs, like whinging, clenching their fists, shoving their fists in their mouths, and kicking their legs etc.  General unhappiness and some yawning are pretty much a dead giveaway.  Adults are like that for crying out loud.  I'm cranky when I'm tired, I yawn a lot, it's not rocket science. The Juffin doesn't know this however, as he is usually at work all day and has so far, missed out on Mad Max's no sleeping BS.  Until now.

Everything had settled into a semi routine around the 8 week mark.  We were getting a good 3 hr sleep in the morning, around 2 hours in the middle of the day and another 45 mins in the late afternoon, gearing up for dinner/bedtime.  The Mushroom was sleeping through til about 3/4am and I was thinking of introducing a dream feed to see if we could push that waking time back to 6/7am.  Then, because the universe likes f-king with me, all hell broke loose, and it's been shite ever since.

We've gone from reasonable naps, to non-existent ones, a clingy whingey baby who cries every time I try to put him down.  A baby who wants to be nursed around the clock.  A baby who is doing my head in.  At first Juffin just thought that he wasn't tired, because, hey, if you're tired, you'll go to sleep, makes sense right?  Unfortunately baby's aren't wired that way.  They need our help to go to sleep.  And they can quickly become overtired, making it harder to get them to sleep.  And then they have mega meltdowns and scream a lot.  Yay... not.

I was so looking forward to Juffin being home from work so we could spend some time together as a family. Our first Christmas as parents, Max being cute and having play time with Daddy during the day, Mum getting some time off to go and do some shopping and get a pedicure or something.  Alas not to be.  I have no idea what is going on.  The Mushroom will not nap and I'm getting more and more stressed out and blaming my man.....

I started this post a few days ago and didn't post it in the hope that things would get better.  Whilst the catnapping has continued, I think I'm a little calmer about the whole situation.  Last night the Juffin and I even went out.  Without the Mushroom!  Juffin's Mum came over and babysat whilst we went out for Thai and a movie.  I put on a dress.  I was nice to my Juffin.  We ate, we talked (about something other than Mushroom!) we held hands, and we watched a great movie.  It was fantastic.  Admittedly I kept checking my phone and wondering if the Mushroom was ok, and we bolted as soon as the credits started rolling but we went out and the sky didn't fall in.

The last couple of weeks have been horrendous for everyone in our little family and but I know now that I should just go with the flow and enjoy this baby stage because he won't need me soon.  I don't know why I get so worked up about things, feeling like I'm doing things the 'wrong' way.  I've always been pretty confident but this baby business is shaking that confidence.  I guess it's the thought that if you stuff up completely now, it might scar him for life.  But I'm not sure that I believe that and I guess I just have to have some faith in myself!

So my New Year's Resolution is that despite reading into things too much, trawling internet forums and talking to other Mum's, I've decided to go with my instincts and stop worrying what everyone else is saying.  I will pick up my baby if he cries.  I will feed him if he wants food, even if it's only been 1.5hrs since his last feed.  I will feed my baby to sleep if that's what he needs.  I will play with him and I will carry him if he doesn't want me to put him down.  If my house looks like a bomb site as a result then so be it.  He's not going to be a baby forever and maybe he just needs me right now.  The awesome little man didn't wake up last night for a feed until 4.45am.  With no 'sleep training' at all, he is nearly sleeping through.  He's happy, putting on weight, smiling lots and this week he's starting to roll over!  At the end of the day my little boy is doing just fine, and if he doesn't want to sleep for very long, then I just have to deal with it!

Snoozing on Dad!  

 

Next time: Speaking the Mushroom's language!