11 Feb 2013

Inner Monologue

This post is going to be depressing, so just skip over to the next one if you don't wanna hear it.  I know that there are so many more people worse off than I but I just need to have a fucking whinge.  I'm blaming the mini pill and hormones.  And the no coke thing.  And the heat lately.  But mostly the mini pill.  Here's a taste of what's been on my mind:

Returning to work, the possibility of working from home, if that's not possible, will they let me go part-time?  What if they won't let me go back part-time?  Do I find a new job?  Do I go back to university and do something I love?  What sort of money will we receive if I don't work?  Is it enough to live on?  We can't afford for me not to work/earn.  How much does daycare cost?  What are the family daycares like in my area cos there are heaps of them?  Should I go family daycare or long daycare?  What if Max doesn't like daycare?  What if I hate being away from him?  How do other families live on one income?  We don't even own a home yet, how the hell are we going to do that?  I turn 32 this year.  That's bad.  Should I start highlighting my hair as the greys are slowly multiplying.  I pulled out 3 the other day.  There was only one before the Mushroom.  Why am I still getting pimples at age nearly 32?  WTF is the go with that?  Why are they so big and gross?  What sort of games should I be playing with Mushroom?  Why do all the nursery rhymes that I know all sound the same?  What comes after dormez-vous in Frere Jacques?  Juffin's family is French.  Someone better teach my kid to speak French.  Am I a good Mum?  Am I doing the right things?  When will he fit into 00 as he's too big for 000 but too small for 00 so in stupid inbetween phase?  Hopefully the new pram liner I ordered will fit properly and be worth the cost.  I'm nervous spending so much money.  I have to get Mushroom in to see the Doctor, keep forgetting to make an appointment.  I haven't paid that outstanding bill and keep forgetting that too.  I also need to make a dental appointment but worried about the cost and it will need to be on a weekend so Juffin can watch the Mushroom.  Can't take the Mushroom to the Dentist.  Birkenstocks.  Should I buy some?  My feet have been hurting lately.  Getting old sucks.  What should I make for tea tomorrow night?  I wonder if the Juffin is going to buy me some jewellery soon?  I wish I had a money pot. FFS everyone wishes they had a money pot.  I want to go to New Zealand with Mushroom and visit family but we can't afford it.  Not for all of us to go.  Don't really want to go without the Juffin.  And still can't find flights under $800.  Which is too much.  But still want to go.  Maybe we should just go to Brisbane and visit instead.  I would like to go somewhere before I go back to work.  If I go back to work soon. When should we transfer the Mushroom into his own room.  I don't want to yet.  He's still in the hammock. Should we just take down the cot and keep him in the hammock or transfer him over?  He likes his hammock, but he can't stay in our room forever.  I like reading at night and the light is right next to his hammock and shines on his face.  I miss reading.  I miss lots of things about life before.  Does that make me a bad mother?  Am I a bad mother?  Shit I missed My Kitchen Rules tonight.  Damn it all to hell!  Can I not remember one frickin thing?!  Where has my memory gone?  Will it return?  Am I just going to be walking around forgetting everything like some stupid incompetent male?  

I told you it was bad.  It just goes on and on ad nauseum.  I lay awake at night thinking, thinking, thinking...  On top of that I am one cranky bitch lately and have been snapping at the poor Juffin left right and centre.  I have zero patience for certain people and haven't been endearing myself to anyone at all.  I had to laugh because a friend of mine has been a cranky bitch too and blogged about it here. I'm not going through anything nearly as stressful as her, so don't really have any right to be a Cranky McCrankster so I'll blame the crazy heat, motherhood, and, wait for it, yes!  The mini pill!  

Now that I've gotten that shit off my chest, here's a cute pic of the Mushroom and I'll be on my way!

16 weeks