4 Dec 2018

Break

Sometimes you need to step away.

Away from the potato chips, the chocolate, the wine bottle... social media.

So that's what I did.

Not the wine bottle but everything else.

You see I share so much of my life online.  This blog is just a snippet.  I would post on facebook daily, instagram could be a few times a day and when I started doing stories, it blew out of control.

I was always on my phone. 

And I do mean always.

I had to charge it in the afternoon because I was on it so much the battery would run out.

I don't know what changed, but I was walking around one afternoon and I noticed that no-one even looks up anymore.  Their phones are glued to their hands in front of their faces. They're literally wandering around with no awareness of what's going on around them. And if they're anything like me, they're not even reading anything! Just scrolling through crap, mindless drivel.  Shares of stupid meme's, fake news, buzzfeed quizzes.. ok buzzfeed quizzes are awesome, but you get my drift.  I barely even saw any pics from my friends in my newsfeed anymore, it was just rubbish!

So I logged out.

I thought I'd do facebook first and maybe last a few hours but then I decided to do instagram as well.  Because that one was turning out to be the real problem. 

In late September, I put up a post and then I logged out.  I probably should have deactivated my account but I never imagined that I'd be off for two whole months.  Me.  Not on facebook or instagram for two whole months.

But it's been two whole months.

And I think I could probably do without it. I just logged back in and honestly, 99 out of 100 notifications are people tagging me in competitions and facebook telling me something is for sale in one of the selling groups I'm in. 

Clearly I've missed a lot! 

Don't get me wrong, I miss people's updates, their news, the photos of the kids and the funny updates.  I really do miss that stuff, it's just all the other shit that I can't stand.

Am I now a guru who has all the answers?  Doubtful.  I don't know what the solution is. 

I just know that I've read 11 books in that time, my washing has been up to date, I'm exercising again and I'm in bed and asleep before 10 most nights.  My phone battery lasts all day and I actually watch the TV when it's on and engage with my children.  Which is really what this is about I guess. 

I have realised that I'm actually not missing out on anything by not being on facebook.  People still message me.  They talk to me.  They ask me about my life.

Will I delete my account?  No.  But I won't be a slave to it like I once was, and if it gets too much, goodbye facey!  I'm not going to be all I'm a saint and social media is awful, but if it's a problem for you, do it.  It's refreshing to see people and not know what they had for dinner last night. 

So what did I miss?  What have you been up to?  And the big question, did you even notice?  Did you miss me?


24 Sept 2018

Hangover

On Friday I accidentally got stupidly drunk.

I know what you're thinking, how can a 37 year old woman accidentally get drunk?

Well, she drank lots of wine, didn't eat any dinner and forgot to drink water, soooooo...

I did this at book club.  Not wine club.  Book club.  We don't generally even drink at book club but hey, that didn't stop this dickhead.

My lovely friend gave me a lift so I could have a vino or two, or twelve, but who's counting? It wasn't me! 

I was actually having an amazing time, laughing, sharing, chatting about all the things and I remember thinking to myself, aren't I lucky to have all these wonderful women in my life followed directly by, you need to eat some more food and drink some water Jess. 

Then I woke up fully clothed on my bed at 5am and I thought I was going to die. 

So that was good.

I actually think it was mere moments after having the above thought that I shut my eyes at the table, everyone cottoned on that I was maggoted and my friend carted me home.

Because I can't remember.

The next day I apologised to all the girls and everybody said I was fine.

Thank god.

But fuck, I was not feeling fine.

I was actually ok until I had to move. And move I must.  My kids had a playdate and it had literally been months since we'd seen one friend as they've moved away and weeks since we saw other friend because life. 

And I love Mushroom that we were going to see his mates so yeah, couldn't get out of it.

I showered.  I drank some water.  I swallowed some paracetamol.  I pulled my shit together, got in the car (yes, probably shouldn't have driven, well aware, it was 12 hours later and I thought I was ok...) and drove to the Strand.

I had to stop on the way to dry retch.

I then bought coffee and gelato for the kids and lay on the ground groaning inwardly whilst my friends laughed at me and the kids had the best time ever.

And then comes my mother of the year moment, are you ready? It's good.

I vomited in public on the strand. 

It gets better, whilst I'm doing this, my two year old daughter comes over and pats me on the back repeating, "it's ok Mummy, it's alright" in soothing tones. I thanked her profusely whilst thinking that I'm probably the worst mother in the history of the universe, but also not, because I told her to get on the other side of me because it was windy and I didn't want to throw up on her.

Yep.

All time low.

I really am the best mother ever.

Finest moment in recent history and also my best angle...


PS do you ever really learn not to do this dumb shit?  Because it's been 20 years and I'm still a dickhead...

Photo credit to my GF Amanda. No birthday present for you!

17 Sept 2018

September

Does anyone else feel like they should be doing all the things?  But not even getting one thing right? 

Because, little old me over here, I feel like I'm doing a pretty shit job of most things.

I want a career, to focus on work, challenge myself, make more money, use my brain, be successful at what I do but I can't seem to make it happen. I'm not sure if people just don't believe in me or I just don't believe in myself and I'm not doing enough to put that across. 

But then if I focus on work, where does that leave my kids?  How do I serve myself and support them at the same time?  How do I spend time with them if I'm racing them out the door to daycare and before and after school care and then racing home to cook dinner and fold clothes and read books and play and pick up all the toys and not be cranky and tired and present?

And how do I keep my house clean?  And stay on top of the shopping and the cooking and the cleaning and the never-ending washing... and let's not mention the walls and the cupboards and the windows and the fans. All the big things that should be cleaned regularly that just don't get done because frankly I'm flat out mopping the damn floor let alone wiping down the fucking walls. And why is it my job?  Who made me the person in charge of house cleaning?  Just because I work less hours, I'm the chief cleaner or is it because instead of a penis, I have a vagina, which obviously means that I do 95% of the housework?  Please explain.  And, yes, Juffin does clean.  He cleans the bathroom, the toilet, does the dishes every night, wipes down counters etc I just get fucking annoyed that I have to ask him to hang out the washing or bring it in.  How fucking hard is it?

Speaking of, when do I get to spend time with my husband, quality time, where we don't just argue about money or who didn't put the dishwasher on, or who let the kids eat too many snacks before dinner so they don't eat it and then serve them yoghurt?  We have no family here any more, no free babysitter on tap and I wish my village was bigger but I feel so awful because I can barely find the time to see my mates now, and I only know what's going on with them because of fucking facebook and I need to put my relationship first because that shit is important but it would be nice to see more of my friends and spend quality time with my husband but there's only so much that this Mama can do... 

Then there's the self care.  The exercise, the eating well, the hairdresser, the leg waxes, the down time on your own... I like sleep but it's rare that I'm in bed before 11.  Because it's the only time that I can be alone.  And have you tried dragging yourself out of bed, after you've woken up at 2am with a cold arse because it's hanging off the side of your queen size bed as there's two males taking up most of the room and your daughter is trying to use your head as a pillow and you have to move down the end of the bed to get some room and then you get kicked and/or chatted to for hours until your alarm goes off at 5.15 and you think fucking hell, exercise is the last bloody thing I feel like doing and you roll over and get one hour of good sleep before your bladder is turned into a trampoline for one very exuberant 2 year old on?   Well, have you?

I feel the pressure, the load, the weight of my fat arse and all these things that I'm not doing well, if at all, and it's no wonder that most of us are suffering under the weight of our own failed expectations.

Where do these feelings come from?  Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves?  Why do people pretend that life is fucking perfect?  I just can't buy into that bullshit.  Today I saw a story on instagram and this woman was showing us her immaculate kitchen with shiny, clean surfaces, no clutter, no mess and was doing that self-deprecating bullshit where she goes, 'oh don't mind the mess'... FARK YOU LADY!  Your giant, beautiful, AMAZING kitchen, which is bigger than my living room, is showroom perfect.  You probably spent HOURS cleaning it.  HOURS.  And if you didn't, WELL FUCK YOU!  BECAUSE MY KITCHEN LOOKS LIKE A BOMB HIT IT MOST OF IT THE DAMN TIME! 

Do you guys feel like you're doing shit wrong too?  Let's stop pretending everything is peachy. Let's share the shit.  And I don't mean like "Today sucks, FML" let's be honest. Like last week, I was home with my son who had conjunctivitis and I let him watch TV all day whilst I read my book in my bed and I ate a whole block of roast almond chocolate that I hid from him so I didn't have to share...

Yep.

I'm a fat pog.

And this is my life.

Sausage Morel's

30 Aug 2018

August

I've had a hectic few months. 

To say the least. 

Just to recap since June I have been to Brisbane 3 times.  

I eloped.  

I helped celebrate my Mum's 60th by being the drunkest person there and writing myself off in spectacular Jess fashion. 

I had my 20 year high school reunion.

I spent a week in Brisbane with my beautiful sister and her fam bam.  

My sister got married to the boy next door, whom we have been friends with for 25 years.  It was a moment. 

I travelled alone with Molly Maniac and survived. 

I came home and took a few days and had the best spa experience of my damn life. 

And now we're here!

I bought a dress online for Amy's wedding that was a shift dress.  I tried it on when it arrived and it was fine.  I mean it wasn't anything like my usual style and I didn't think I looked stunning in it but it was pretty and I liked it. When I tried it on for the boys, Juffin loved it but Mushroom said I looked like a hairy bird... hmmmm.  Anyway, fast forward a few weeks, ie days before the wedding, and I thought I'd better try it on again.  I'd done zero exercise and eaten all the foods and the shift dress that looked ok before, now looked like a floral sausage casing... FML.  How could this happen?!  Why do I have no stamina?  No self control?  FFS I was going to have to buy a new bloody dress!  As luck would have it, I'd bought myself a new dress from a vintage style shop a week ago and took that with me just in case I was just having a fat day, not just fat. 

Alas.  Fat. 

Wore the vintage style dress and didn't match my family at all but hey!  At least I didn't look like a floral encased sausage.  

Lesson learnt.  Stick with what you know suits you!  

My kids have been pretty great through this tumultuously busy time.  I have been away a fair bit, and not exactly present when I have been around and this is something I need to work on... enough with the insta stories Jess!  They have trooped on regardless with very little bad behaviour, well no more than usual, and lots of disruption to routine and sleep.  We've been back to our regular scheduled program the last two weeks and they're still a bit hit and miss in the sleep department but bribery is working a treat.  Hooray for bribery, an essential in any parent's arsenal. 

Molly highlights include: falling in love with her cousin Rubie, and her new uncle Shiney, killing it on the plane and not carrying on at all, having the time of her life at the wedding dancing and creating burger ring angels on the floor, loving Amy's dog Obi to death, rocking her flower girl dress, telling everyone that she's a 'dancing queen', staying up til 10 most nights and still waking at 6am when we were on holidays, remembering a million people's names after only meeting them once AND talking a million miles an hour to all and sundry.  

Mushroom has also been going great guns.  He got his first award at school.  Which I fucking missed because they didn't let me know in time but let's rise above. He wore his first suit and rocked it, got up early with Dad and went to before and after school care every day that Mum was away, has started putting all his clothes away without me having to ask him 45 million times, getting ready for school with no yelling from Mum, first school excursion and they took the BUS, and he's graduated from basic paper plane construction to aeronautical engineered marvels and my house is full of them.  Aside from all these things he is generally the funniest, cuddliest, cutie pie on the planet and I love him to bits.  This school thing has been such a huge adjustment for him and has made me realise how much I'll miss my baby boy when he's big.   

I felt really bad that I didn't have him with me the whole time that I was in Brisbane but I didn't want him to miss that much school and Juffin didn't have enough leave left at work to be with us... I don't think he noticed but it would be nice to holiday with my fam more often so the kids can hang out more. I miss being close to them. 

My new husband and I have been like ships in the night.  Work, uni, travel, housework, a lack of effort and connection on both sides... I know we just got married but we have been together for 10 and a half years.  You forget that you still need to make time for each other, talk, cuddle, make out in the kitchen.  I will put my hand up and say that since having kids I don't initiate intimacy very much at all, and I guess that takes it's toll. I'm working on it.  We are both trying harder, being nicer, touching.  Whatever it is, it's working. It's nice to feel loved and sexy and do nice things for someone who appreciates you. 

Wow.  I'm a cheeseburger. Can you say lame?!  

Here we are, it's almost September and I feel like I blinked because it was February 5 minutes ago.  Obviously my attempt to blog weekly got left by the way side months ago but hey, I tried.  I honestly don't think that my life is interesting enough to write about weekly anyway. You can follow me on insta if you want bullshit updates on the daily cos I post some serious shit on my stories over there.  Like for real.  Last night I decided to treat everyone to a dazzling rundown on my skincare regime and selfies after exercise.  

See?  I'm the LAMEST. It's riveting stuff.... 

Till next time xo

My world

18 Jul 2018

Week, wait, what week is it?

Well I think it's safe to say that my poor blog has fallen by the wayside. 

Just like my commitment to healthier living.

Ugh.

Why you so shit Jess?

We just finished school holidays here in Qld and Juffin took a few days off, so I didn't have to and Mushroom only had to spend one day at Vacation care. Brilliant. Molly went to daycare as usual as I worked my normal 3 days and Juffin spent some time with Mushroom on his own.  Doesn't happen very often anymore the poor little one! He was thrilled to have his Dad all to himself.  They watched Star Wars, played Minecraft, went to the movies, ate junk and didn't do any cleaning. 



Of course, as fate would have it, both children took ill during last weekend and I had one vomiting all over the show and the other clinging to my legs whingeing constantly.

Fun times.


So the day's I didn't take off during the holidays didn't really count for much as I was stuck at home with two sick, painful AF children for two very long days. I packed them both off today thinking it would be fine, but got a call just after 2.30 to get Molly who's temps were getting higher and the paracetamol that I'd provided eon's ago had expired.  Of course it had.

At least I got to work most of the day right?

RIGHT?

Ugh.  Hopefully she's ok tomorrow. The bigger one was fine.  Pretty sure he just didn't want to go back to school but fingers crossed he settles in better this term than the last one!

I went to a birthday party with Mushroom over the weekend (BEFORE he got sick) and I got a lump in my throat watching him play by himself.  He didn't really interact with the other kids.  He took off on his own, or stood by and watched everyone else play.  I don't know what's going on.  His teacher said that he has heaps of friends but we've never been invited for a play at anyone's house, not that I've asked anyone over for a play either, but I don't know if that's a sign of him not really connecting with someone or me being a douche.  On the last day of school, they had a fairytale day, and I watched as he sat by himself , he sat a few metres away from the group, and he ate his morning tea.  I urged him to move but he was happy where he was and after Molly and I left, I cried. He didn't seem phased and always talks about playing with this person or that person but it just makes me sad to see him like that.

I'm sure I'm just being a dickhead.  Parenting is killing me.

Being poor is also killing me, so we've had a bit of a chat about reversing our work roles, with me maybe working full time and Juffin picking up some part time work so he can focus on uni and the kids.  It's been 5 years of me working part time now and I'm ready for a challenge, a change, I just don't want the Mummy guilt that will inevitably follow.  Nothing's set in stone, but we know that we can't continue as we are as Juffin is working his guts out for peanuts and not getting any study done and we're barely making ends meet.

Has this arrangement worked for anyone else?  Pros, cons?  How do you deal with the guilt of missing out?  I feel like I still miss out most of the time due to work and the inability to take a two year old along to school things or Molly missing out because on my days off I rush around like a mad thing trying to get shit done.






25 Jun 2018

We Eloped

For those that aren't on my socials, I got married this weekend.  Like I ran away, with my lover, my best friend, my baby daddy, and I married him.


I took this as a sign that we were doing the right thing.

Eloping is kind of a big deal.  Especially in this day and age.

Obviously Juffin and I have been together for a long time.  Ten and half years actually, and we'd been engaged for nearly five.  However, we'd been talking about marriage for nine of those years.

Juffin has been married before. Yes.  He's very old... not.  The first time, he got married young, and it didn't work out and that's what happens sometimes when people are young and in love and reach that point and think fuck it, let's get married.  I'm not saying that it's wrong, it just doesn't work out for some couples and that's ok. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. We talk about it now and he has no regrets.  Neither do I.  We both had to be where we were for things to work out.  Otherwise they wouldn't have.

I digress.

Can you tell that I've had some vinos?  Haha

We'd had numerous discussions about getting married. 

Married in the Daintree with our closest friends and family, booking a whole place out for a weekend. 

What about an 'engagement' party surprise wedding in the backyard? 

Then it was literally going to be visiting the registry office and spending the night at a hotel, but that wasn't an option in Townsville anymore. 

We just liked the idea of eloping... We'd talked and talked and TALKED and nothing came of it.  People stopped asking when we were going to get married.  They just stopped.

And then a few months ago, shit got real.  We'd talked about going to New Zealand, going to Tasmania, going somewhere different, exotic, far away, and then we thought, why?  Why not just go somewhere close, but not too close, and do it?  We had some money, for once, we could afford it.  What part of the world did we love?  Where had we spent amazing times?  Why not just get this shit done?

So we set a date and we started the wheels in motion. 

I looked up how much notice we needed, one month.  I googled celebrants.  I googled accommodation.  I googled my little heart out.

And can I just say here that this is why eloping is hard.

YOU CAN'T TALK TO ANYONE!

If you want to elope properly, which we sort of did, then you can't talk to anyone!  I'm a sharer, a talker. Keeping this fucking secret was HARD!

We booked a celebrant, we bought our rings, I bought a dress, we ummed and ahhed over locations.

In May we told our parents because we knew that we'd need someone to watch the kids for the weekend and whilst I thought my Dad would be ok if I told him I'd eloped, I'm not sure my Mum would have.  They were so happy to be involved, so excited to keep a secret.  Juffin rang his Mum and Step Dad and again, there was nothing but love. We're so lucky.

I booked accommodation, got my dress altered, kept looking for the perfect shoes.

On that home stretch I may have fibbed a little. I told people that we were going away on our own for a weekend, child-free to a wedding on the Tablelands.

I just didn't tell them that it was ours.

I didn't really talk about it at all as thought my face would give it away.

I told my friend we were going away on her birthday and she laughed and said we should elope. I thought I was going to die but managed to laugh it off.  I thought for sure that she knew what we were up to but she didn't say another word about it.

Juffin bought his suit, we finally locked in on a location, we wrote out vows, I decided to get my hair and makeup done and frantically looked around for someone to do it.

We were a week out and that's when I thought we might actually get away with this, it might actually happen.

I started telling random strangers.  When I managed to find the perfect shoes, I told the lady in the shoe shop that I was eloping on Friday.

When I got my legs waxed on the Tuesday before, I told the random 22 year old that I was getting married on Friday.

On the Wednesday night before we left, my mummy friend asked me where we were going.  I'd been vague, which is unlike me, and said we were going away to a wedding.  She outright asked me if Juffin and I were eloping, to which I just replied with laughing emojis.

I nearly had a panic attack.

I wanted to surprise everyone, yet wanted someone to share it with and Juffin was being a typical male who was like, yeah, it's great, what's the big deal?!

UGH!

Then it was Thursday and we were leaving and it was actually happening.

We stayed in Cairns on Thursday night.  We met with our celebrant, the amazing Amy @ The Merriment Co Cairns  and had a chat about what we were hoping for, if it was any more casual, we'd probably all be asleep, lols.  Then we went out, had some Pho and saw Solo - A Star Wars Story.

I couldn't marry a man who'd never eaten Pho before.

Converted

And then it was Friday. Our wedding day. 

The hair and make up wizard came to our B&B in Cairns and made me look pretty before we left.  Danielle from Cairns Bridal Makeup was so beautiful and professional and amazing.  You can find her here if you need someone in that area...



We left Cairns an hour after we'd hoped, almost 1.30pm, and we'd been hoping to get to our location by 3pm, at this rate it would be almost 5pm!

 Me being me and Juffin being Juffin meant that there were a few hysterics and alot of nonchalant whatever's.

I'll let you guess who was doing what.

And then we got to our treehouse and it was magic.

We got dressed.

We hopped in the car and we drove to the Curtain Fig tree where we met Amy, and we got married.











I cried when Juffin read his vows.

I cried when I read my vows.

I cried so much that snot came out.

I wiped the snot off.

We had dinner in Yungaburra at an amazing restaurant.  Drank too much, ate too much, went back to our treehouse and pretended that we were childless for a few days.







And now that's how we eloped.

Married after ten and half long years.

And we both lived happily ever after.

The end.


17 Jun 2018

Weeks Twenty Two and Twenty Three

Well I didn't even make it halfway through the year before I missed a week.  And not just one week, two! 

Useless.

I think that when I decided to blog weekly I thought that my life was more interesting.  Turns out, it's really not, and I'm not sure that me whingeing weekly about my life is as exciting as just sharing funny or exciting events on the blog.

Does that just sound like I'm trying to get out of blogging weekly?

Because I am.

Hah.

Leading up to last weekend Molly and I had some little chats about no longer breastfeeding.  We were still having a bedtime feed, and I know that MANY people have things to say about breastfeeding past a certain age but I don't give a flying fuck.  My child, my business. 

I was going away for my sister's hens weekend in Brisbane and I think that she's too old for bottles, I wasn't going to express and frankly I was sick of it.  Breastfeeding a two year olds is hard work and she was starting to jump around and try and take me with her.  Um no.  Hell no.  So we had a few chats and then I did the bad mother thing and ran away.  For three nights. 

When I had a chat to Juffin about it, he said that she didn't notice.  She didn't ask about it, she didn't even mention it.  She didn't even seem to notice that I was gone. 

RUDE

I got back on Sunday, bedtime as normal.  As was Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday... When I say normal I mean still a shit fight but absolutely no mention of breast milk.

Then on Thursday, she has an hysterical meltdown because she wants boobie milk.

Seriously.

A week later.

That afternoon, I'd listened to her kindy educator tell me how intelligent and clever she is.  Ummmmm, are we talking about the same child because clearly this girl is a little slow on the uptake.  I mean I get it, I wasn't around so she didn't notice, but I'd been home for over 4 nights!  Unbelievable. 

I was actually feeling sad that she didn't notice, now I just felt bad for taking it away from her.  But I didn't give in.  Because I'm a mean Mummy and breastfeeding two kids for two years each is enough.  And now it's over.  Forever.

Will never have to boob in the car again!


I left my kids for a few days and went to Brisbane.  On my own.  I drank alot, I ate alot, I managed to get my flight home and wasn't in some kind of death state.

The only selfie I took.. who even am I?!


A bad cold ripped through work and because I never get enough sleep, and I'm too busy trying to get everyone else organised, I ended up having a day off work as all the snot and the constant cough finally caught up with me.

Boo to bad health.

I've been very lax in the fitness department and bad habits die hard.  I wish I could say that I'd made mostly good choices but that would be a big fat lie.  I thought I'd be further along my journey by now, but sadly, I'm not.  No-one to blame but myself.

Mushroom has been doing much better at school and though his behaviour isn't exemplary, I love that he's a cheeky shit sometimes.  I'm not supposed to say that am I?  It's hard not to laugh when he's mimicking his father or myself.  The no picking up of toys is actually driving me insane though and today I nearly lost my shit and threw everything in the bin. I have to start enforcing the pack up before you move on to the next thing.  There's stuff everywhere!

Today I said that they could watch a movie, which is rare these days, and they ended up tipping the popcorn all over the damn floor.  So this happened:

 
I am over cleaning up other people's messes. It's not my job.  And I have to do this for at least 15 more years.  I'm not sure my head won't explode before then.

Can I just throw out all of our stuff?! 



28 May 2018

Week Twenty One

What a hectic week!  

Monday saw me finally admit defeat and I had to come home from work as my voice was barely audible, I couldn't make or take calls because people didn't need to be dealing with that squeak and my head was starting to get fuzzy.  I must have had an addled brain as I still exercised but barely being able to breathe is not cool.  Despite feeling like shit, I still did washing, cooked dinner, made up lunchboxes and generally kept up my usual duties.  

Like Mother's are wont to do. 

On Tuesday Molly and I took my broken glasses back to Specsavers and I was astonished when they said they're still under warranty, AND WILL BE REPLACED FREE OF CHARGE!  The hinge of the arm was broken, I thought they'd replace that, I was happy to pay for it, did not even think my glasses would be replaced.  Win!  We also went to the chemist where I picked up some new lippies for HALF PRICE and onto the park before coming home for a nap. 

Sadly our visit to the park included pee pants, a skinned knee and blood on my new dress and my favourite bangle breaking... after such a great morning, I couldn't help but feel like someone was having a laugh at my expense! 



Wednesday rolled around and Juffin started his descent into sick town as I was still pulling myself out of it.  

Is there anything worse than a sick male? 

Answer:  No. 

Ugh. 

I upped my salad game, popped my vitamin c and ignored him. Sometimes you just have to rise above. 

When I opened my eyes on Thursday and squinted at the clock and it said 6.45, I immediately rolled over and punched sicky in the arm.  He swore and jumped out of bed and then proceeded to cough up a lung I told him to call in sick because no customer wants to be confronted with a spluttering, squeaky mess.  Eww.  He was adamant he was going to work but after 10 more minutes of that bullshit he gave in and made the call. 

Honestly. 

Then I had to endure getting everyone and myself ready for kindy, school and work whilst he lay around feeling ill. 

INSERT POKER FACE EMOJI HERE

Of course, he had to drop me off so he could have Shirley, just in case he needed to go somewhere AS THERE AREN'T TWO OTHER REGISTERED VEHICLES HERE FOR HIM TO USE. 

I made him go to the Doctor.  If you're that ill you can go to the Doctor. 

Friday is Molly and Mummy day and we always go to the fruit shop, get a baby cino, grab a steamed dim sim.... it used to be enjoyable until madam turned into a tantrumming toddler and now I need to bribe with donuts and stickers and she still turns into a nightmare. It's hectic and I can't believe that I actually forgot that this is what they're like at this age.  How could I forget?  It goes on forever too.  Then we got home and she refused to sleep.  Like flat out refused.  I have the builder here repairing the bathroom and I couldn't just leave her in her room to scream. Which I usually do.  Yep, mother of the year. So at 2.30 I gave up and we had something to eat and then went to pick up Mushroom. 

Amazing news!  Mushroom had made it to 'FABULOUS JOB' at school for doing exceptionally well in reading groups!  HUZZAH!  Maybe our hard line at home is working. Either way, stoked!  And glad that I'd thought to buy him a little lego set to put away for these small wins as a reward.  



Hooray! 

Our weekend was hectic!  We had another birthday party, housework, washing, I let the kids paint and make a mess, hill on Sunday morning for me and some Daddy time for the kids. 

Over the last few weekends, at breakfast, we've had a very friendly, beaky visitor and this Sunday, he got a whole lot friendlier. 





Can you believe that shit?!  I spoke to a friend who has experience with the feathered folk and she believes that he must have been hand raised, as literally had no qualms jumping on Mushroom's head!  I don't know if he is a boy, but I'm just calling him him.  The kids don't have a name for our friend yet, and I'd just like him to fuck off forever as his beak is way too sharp for my liking and he landed on my head as well and I nearly died, but if he comes back I'll have to be nice to him for the kids sake.... 

After all that excitement, Mushroom was lucky enough to go over to the neighbours place to play for the rest of the day and Juffin took Molly to Bunnings and hung out with her so I could get my bake on and pull out this masterpiece. 

 

I didn't eat it, but traded it for a new pair of sneakers so feeling pretty comfortable with that exchange. 

If you have something I may want, I may be interested in a trade.. haha!  

Sadly my Sunday didn't end well and I gave in to a borderline migraine and hit the sack at 8.30.  Sometimes you just need to say fuck it and go to sleep and worry about getting shit done the next morning.  

Have a great week everyone!  



22 May 2018

Week Twenty

I'm getting later and later with these bloody posts.  First it was Sunday, then it was Monday, and now here I am on Tuesday night thinking shit, I didn't post my blog yet.  I am clearly committed.

Last week marked our second in a row of no TV. 

Yes. 

We stopped turning on the TV.  Even on the weekend.

The kids have actually been fine.  It's beautiful weather here in sunny NQ and they've just been playing outside, drawing, making lego messes and generally entertaining themselves.

To say I'm shocked would be an understatement. 

I thought we'd have major issues and so far, none. 

They did watch a movie on Sunday after we got home after an outing on Sunday
 but compared to the months past, where the TV was on more and more, it's a vast fucking improvement.

BUT what about their behaviour I hear you ask?

WELL Mushroom's teacher did remark that he was very much improved!  There are a few other changes that we've made, sticker charts, removing items for bad behaviour and basically increasing our position re discipline and what's expected of him and it's been pretty good.  Like I don't feel like a shit parent 99% of the time, maybe only 70% now, so woo! 



We've had a few hairy mornings where all the boy's stickers have been removed from the chart and he's had to start from scratch but once he knew that we meant business, he's been much better!  Not sure that the 2 year old understands what is going on but she seems to like putting stickers on the chart and the threat of no stickers has succeeded thus far.  It may be too early to say it's been a total success, I mean let's not count our chickens, but there's been a marked improvement.  This parenting gig is fucking hard work.

This also happened....



Yes!  We got a new car!  Well new for us.  Juffin went to the auction and picked up a bargain.  We're a bit stoked.  It's older, and has more kms than we wanted but it is SCHMICK and it's a vast improvement on my old bomb so huzzah!  And I tell you what the best thing ever is!  Listening to my own tunes and rocking the F out!!  I can STREAM from my phone!  It's amazing!  I can now listen to podcasts on the go and do the bluetooth thing.  Feel like I've been jettisoned into the 21st century and have no idea what any of the buttons do like a proper old person but whatever. 

SCHMICK!

Before
During
Molly had her first haircut as well!  It was a big week. I took her to my beautiful hairdresser and she's just the best.  Molly was good for the first 4 minutes and then I had to utilise Peppa Pig via you tube to get it done.  Still has fluffy tentacles but at least they're not hanging in her eyes and hindering her toddler vision, which is shit at the best of times.



After


Other things of note to record from last week include eating too much at stupid work morning tea (zero self control these days!), starting and finishing book club book, rediscovering my love of dancing in the kitchen, the royal wedding and being really and truly happy for Megs and Harry, mastering the lemonade scone and our first little outing in Shirley the pearly girly! 

How's the serenity?





14 May 2018

Week Nineteen

Do you follow the fabulous Busy Phillips on Insta?  If you don't, you should.  She gives me life.. 'YOU GUYS...' She listens to fab music which she shares with us, talks a mile a minute, loves her kids to bits and is generally a super amazing down to earth celeb who I love.  Busy and Anna Paquin are my absolute fave famous ladies at present. I almost comment on their hilarious posts but feel like a stalker.  

Why is that?  They're just sharing snippets of their lives like I do, but I don't know, creeping on people you don't actually know or haven't met before seems 'rude' or weird to me. 

I know!  I have ISSUES! 

Why am I talking about this?  Because I do share lots of my life online.  My health, my life, my job, my relationships and my kids.  I know that in this day and age that it's maybe not so wise.  I guess I'm feeling a little guilty about it.  My kids never gave me permission to share every thing they do with all and sundry.  I don't want my kids to grow up and see what I shared and be humiliated or embarrassed, or hate me for sharing things about their lives that they never consented in me sharing... 

Obviously all these things make me think twice about blogging in general and I'm now questioning what I've already written.  Things online never truly disappear so even though I could delete my blog but it wouldn't guarantee that it would disappear.  It would still exist somewhere, in the online universe, never really going away.  Which sucks.  

I know that teenage Jess would hate to have read online all about her shitting in her pants at 2 or eating bubblegum off the road when she was 4 years old, I'd be absolutely mortified.  But older Jess, Jess now, I love hearing those stories, I'd love to read anything my Mum wrote back then so I could hear how she coped, what happened, what her day to day was like.  Because now that I'm a mother, I'm interested and I can relate.  And time passing has this funny habit of removing all those shitty, mundane details so you can never really remember all the little things.    

So what should I do?  I have to admit that I never asked Juffin if I could write about him in this way too and whilst I don't share too much re our relationship, I do say some not so nice things about him from time to time.  I don't even think he reads my blog. 

It's too late to be asking these questions right?  Like duh Jess, probably should have thought about this shit 5.5 years ago.  Am I overthinking shit as per usual?  Not that many people even read my stupid blog so not sure why I'm even worrying about it.  Hardly going viral over here.  Just thinking about privacy and how I've been remiss, especially when it comes to the kids!

Is it time to shut this shit down?  Would anyone even miss it?! It's not really the point though because I like doing it, for me.  As my little online diary.  So I know what was happening at the time and I can go back and read it and laugh at myself.  

 

8 May 2018

Week Eighteen

It's May!  May!  WTF

I feel like I repeat myself which this shit weekly, but guys, it's fucking May!  It's week 4 of term 2 already, and we're hurtling towards mid year... What in the world?!

Things I achieved this week:

  • Washing Queen
  • See amazing portrait paintings for Percival Prize
  • Car research
  • Sheets washed and changed
  • Juffin application writing
  • Sister chats
  • Hill walking
  • Fit into dress haven't been able to wear for 3 years
  • Floors
  • Flash child free dinner
  • Quality family time
  • Not die after alcohol consumption


Mushroom is still carrying on for school drop off and citing various reasons for his bullshit behaviour. Have had a few chats with his teacher who's all over it so crossing fingers this is yet another phase and school will improve again.  This morning was more to do with being jealous because Molly and Mum were staying home and he wanted to as well so he could play lego and watch TV.  Don't blame you there mate.  We had a good chat about it, school being his job now etc and obviously life means doing things that may be hard but you'll get to your goal in the end.  And his current goal is become a Scientist, "so I can do 'speriments' all the time".  Brilliant.  Not so brilliant is his behaviour at school because basically he thinks it's fucking social hour over there and talks to anyone who will listen, like will not stop talking.  To anyone.  Teacher included.  And, I'll be really sexist here, like a typical man, cannot seem to multitask and work at the same time so is not getting any work done as a result.  None. 

Ugh.

I know that you all think that this is hilarious given my particular fondness for chit chat.  Talk about chip off the old block! Seriously though, if he doesn't start focusing soon, I will lose my shit.  Juffin and I had a chat tonight and we've decided to limit the TV time to the weekend.  We're both guilty of putting it on when we need some down time and that's a bullshit cop out so we're both going to work on being more present, spending time outside and actually playing.  I will need to hit Kmart for some crafting supplies and we'll set up a little activity corner for them so they can go nuts.  Yes, the cleaning up will suck but maybe they'll have longer attention spans as a result.  One can only try these things but something has to change.  My boy is clever, he just needs to stop talking and focus.... god that feels like karma at work right there!  Haha!

My folks came to visit for the weekend and it was so lovely having them here.  I'm blessed with parents and parents in law that actually want to spend time with their grandchildren.  They happily babysit, even during the week, and luckily we've had a few sleepovers as well.  I know that they've already raised their kids, but they're only too happy to help out when we need.  Some are not so lucky and it's just really sad.  Working full time is exhausting, I get that, but helping out your kids by taking care of your grandkids for a day or two over the school holidays, picking them up from school or daycare, taking them for a night over the weekend so they can get some sleep, that's not too much to ask is it?  Apparently for some it is.  And that fucking sucks.

Art


Best of a bad bunch! Kids did not participate well in photo taking

Exercise has been non-existent after a few late nights trying to get applications done (Juffin), hens party planning, dress shopping, flight booking, finance sorting, washing... it never ends.  We're looking at getting a newer car soon and had to get all our ducks in a row, so fingers crossed we'll find what we're looking for shortly.  To be perfectly honest, my piece of shit car may not survive that long, and it's pretty embarrassing clunking around town in it.  On the positive side, I've yet to be carjacked and can leave it unlocked anywhere I go and no-one even attempts to take anything.  Probably jinxed myself now... 

I did get the hill done with the rents over the weekend, but haven't done an actual work out in almost a week.  I really do just need to get out of bed earlier but my constant late night's lately hasn't helped me there. I've also been plagued by headaches and I think it's directly related to my lax attitude to sugar, namely lollies, and carbs in the last few days.  I almost attempted hill walk with Molly today but couldn't bear to listen to the whingeing.. which really is redundant as listen to her whingeing all day every damn day... ahh 2 year olds, aren't they the best?

Worth the slog up there for this view!





29 Apr 2018

Week Seventeen

I remember when I was a teenager, I went on a ski trip to NZ with my school mates.  I think I was in grade 9 or 10.  Anyway, I bought all my family presents, except my Mum.  I literally didn't even think about getting her something until we were in the airport on the way home, so I got her some shitty soap and some other crap.

My Mum was so upset.  She'd paid for my school trip, organised my bags, dropped me off at the bus, yada yada yada, and I was the ungrateful arsehole who didn't even THINK about buying her a present until we we almost at home, let alone, appreciate all the things that my Mother had sacrificed to send me on that damn trip. I mean, I bought myself Docs on that damn trip.  What an arsehole.

It always makes me super sad and I think about it a lot. Especially because obviously I loved my Mum, but I guess I didn't like her very much.  I was a teenager, she was kind of a hard arse and I felt so misunderstood.  I thought I knew everything and she knew nothing.  Clearly that is totally wrong.  My Mum is amazing, hilarious, smart and strong, and so generous.  Not only do I love her now, I like her heaps.  She's the first person I call if I need someone.  I was just 14 and I thought I knew it all and she couldn't possibly understand what life was like for me.  The fact that I didn't even think about her is clearly the most devastating piece of info above.  Obviously I was a totally selfish bitch.  To be forgotten, not thought of at all, that's the most hurtful thing about it I think.

"My want Daddy"
So why am I writing about this now?  Because my kids don't like me very much.  They prefer their Dad.  I'm the mean Mum who makes them clean up, who yells all day because they won't listen, who makes their food and makes them eat it.  I wash their clothes and make them put them away, I say no when they want to watch TV or a movie, I say no when they want to eat junk, I say get down, when they're using the couch as a launching station...  Obviously Juffin says no too, but I think they just hear me saying it all day every day and that makes me the bad guy. And I'm fucking sick of it and my kids are only little, so I have years and years and YEARS of them hating on me and I feel emotionally scarred already.

Tonight I sat on one side of the table as the kids fought over who sat next to Juffin.  He ended up sitting in the middle whilst they sat on either side.

Yesterday I got home from being out and there was no-one waiting to greet me at the door but whenever Juffin returns from anywhere there is DADDY!  DADDY'S HOME!  DADDDDDYYYYY!  And hysterical jumping and loving.  Me returning home, Hi everyone!  Silence.

Bastards.

Spoilt
I was doing sight words with Mushroom tonight and the word 'Dad' came up.  He goes "Dad's the best and Mum's the poopest" and then laughs hysterically.

I wanted to smack him in his laughing face.

I know that this is all normal.  I know that there has to the favourite and the other one, and I know that my kids love me, but damn, it doesn't feel good to be the other one.  It doesn't feel good at all.

I'm sorry Mum.  I wish I could take back that crappy soap and whatever other stupid thing I gave you.  14 year old Jess needs a smack in the chops.

It's been a hard week culminating in a beer induced migraine last night and I'm feeling just a wee bit flat.  I missed my workout yesterday, I didn't do the hill this morning, I ran out of time to bake and I'm now a day behind with my washing.  Molly has been getting progressively harder to handle and Mushroom's behaviour has not improved.  I can't help but feel like I'm a crappy Mother and when they prefer their father over me, it feels like that's just proving the point.  Especially when you are the one who organises their entire lives. 

What's the solution?  Suck it up Jess. Get over it and get used to it.  Which I will. But I've come here to vent about it in the meantime.  Being a Mum is fucking hard.  Bring on Monday and a fresh outlook.  This week was crap.


 




22 Apr 2018

Week Sixteen

My kids are driving me batshit crazy.  They feed off of each other and the oldest one is so defiant. Won't listen, talks back, yells, riles his sister up, runs amok... I'm ready to pack in the towel.  I just walk around with the wooden spoon in my hand wielding it atop my head,  ready to strike at a moment's notice. 

Fuck. My. Life.

Several days ago, Tuesday, Wednesday, they're all the same, I threatened, on a whim, to remove everything from my son's room except his bed.  Toys, books. lego, puzzles.. you name it, the whole lot.  Now I think I'll actually have to follow through and there's so much stuff in his fucking room that the whole thing was a bullshit idea and I really am the worse Mum ever. I should never have said it in the first place but I can't take it back.

Why is it when our kids are misbehaving, that we feel like we're the worst parents in the world?  I thought I was an okay Mum but lately, not so much.  One must soldier on...

"GO WAY MAX!"

School went back this week, can I get an AMEN?!  I totally didn't know about the pupil free day on Monday until the last week of holidays so had to do some begging to the MIL.  I think she was relieved to only have one.

Mushroom seems to have settled back into school quite well but doesn't seem keen on his fave friend from last term anymore.  He won't tell me what happened, just that they're not friends anymore.  The boy in question still says hello every morning and seems keen to talk to Mushroom, but he's being stone cold.  It really does break your heart when you see/hear this shit but obviously it's just life. I've explained to him that you can have lots of different friends and even if you don't play every day, you can still be mates.  I mean, they're 5.  He doesn't seem short on friends so far, so hopefully he'll muddle his way through.

He had his Fun Run this week, it was postponed due to rain from last term.  Of course I was there in my giant sun hat, and no-one else in stupid Nth Qld was wearing one.  What's wrong with people?!  Anyway, they had to run 650m and watching their tiny little legs run that distance was exhausting.  Mushroom didn't come close to winning but I think he ran most of the way, and he was pretty stoked with his ice block afterwards.  His house did actually win on the day so he was telling everyone he won which wasn't a blatant lie.... my son the storyteller.  No idea where he gets that from?!



Molly has taken to removing her nappy after sleep time and then defecating on her bed.  Yes.  She shits on her bed.  It's happened twice now in 3 days and it's a veritable shit show.

Why is she doing this?  Why now?  We're almost bloody toilet trained FFS

She's killing me.

At least Juffin was home to deal with the aftermath today.  And she doesn't play in it.  Just squats and poops.  Good God.

We went to the park on Tuesday so I could wear her out, and I managed to get her off the swing for 3 minutes in total.

Any other Mum's just spend all their time pushing the damn swing?



I've been doing well with my exercise again this week but food has been hit and miss. Need to tighten the reigns, so to speak, and start being strict again.  I'm nowhere near where I should be after all this time due to bad food choices.  At least I seem to have gotten into a groove with the exercise thing, small mercies!

Hooray for fitting into smaller pants! 

My new salties arrived, along with my much needed new work shoes, but I still have to buy some decent walking shoes.  Who likes buying practical things?!

I discovered how to use Insta stories and have spammed all my friends and followers ceaselessly over the weekend.

I would apologise but I'll probably keep doing it.  I love the socials.  Total social whore.

Aside from attending a million birthday parties, and watching my kids ingest an abhorrent amount of sugar, the shoe thing, and starting a new book, I don't have much else to report. We're busy trying to get a few ducks in a row here, hoping to make a big purchase soon, so fingers crossed that all works out and goes smoothly.

Now that I've talked about it, you know it won't.

Ugh.

And on that note, I'll end with this astounding fact, my rents celebrated their 39th wedding anniversary yesterday.  39 years!  They also really like each other and hang out and do stuff together all the time.  It's a bit cute and sickening.  Happy Anniversary Muzz and Colls.  Love you!


16 Apr 2018

Week Fifteen

Monday
Alarm goes off early but I'm shattered after staying up too late watching Call the Midwife. I hit dismiss and roll back over. 
Kids come in and crawl all over us, I have work at 9 so I get up, make breakfast and coffee, shower, make-up, facebook, realise the time, freak out and leave...
Work 
Finish work at 4.30 and rejoice that it's my only work day of the week however the alternative is staying home with demanding children and yelling... 
Get home and house looks like bomb hit it, Juffin cooking sausages (it's meat free Monday) and there crap everywhere.  Too tired to yell.  Get dressed and do my work out, almost die. 
Dinner turns out to be chilli sausages so everyone has a shit fit.  I think they're delicious but Juffin is blaming me for not telling him that there were chilli sausages in there.. I totally forgot.  Whoops. 
Get kids into bed, tidy up kitchen, folding washing... 



Tuesday
Kids in my bloody bed again for half the night
I don't have to be anywhere so I do my work out whilst the kids watch TV 
I give in and make pancakes as they keep nagging
Hang washing out
Realise at 9.30 that I will murder children if we don't get out of the house so spend 45 minutes packing food and locating hats, shoes and sunscreen to go to the fucking park 
No sunscreen
Stop at chemist warehouse on way to park, transfer dollars into account but account is overdrawn so card won't work. Kids are yelling about wanting jelly beans and pulling shit off the shelves.  Transfer more money onto a different card whilst hissing at children under my breath.  Card works. 
Pack kids back into car and fight with insane toddler who has started planking when entering car seat and screaming at top of lungs.  Ready to pack it in and go home without even visiting park.  Realise that I haven't had coffee which is affecting my ability to cope but have just wrangled kids back into car and don't want to repeat experience.  Macca's coffee it is.  Card wont' work again. 
Use other card.  Juffin going to kill me. 
Get to park!  Finally! 
Extricate bikes, bags, hats, put shoes back on toddler, apply sunscreen, unload scooter and children, converge on park. 
Managed to get table sit down, yelled at by Mushroom who wants to sit elsewhere, have to stop myself from telling him to fuck off and eat a bag of dicks and instead smile sweetly and tell him that he's welcome to sit wherever he likes... he stomps over and throws helmet onto table knocking over my untouched coffee and spilling it all over me and the floor. 
I almost cry. 
He apologises. 
Again I have to stop myself from telling him to fuck off. 
My friend and her kids come and join us.  It's glorious. It would be better with coffee. 
Her Dad does a coffee run.  Day improves immensely.  
Leave park around 12.30 and head home
Small child slept well, big smaller child chilled and watched TV.  I got organised with dinner for family as I was heading out
Went out for dinner with friends.  Had korean food.  Was amazing.  Love girlfriends, love cocktails, wish I could drink  more of them... got home after 11.30. Totally shagged. 

Wednesday
Molly is back at daycare, huzzah!  
Up at 6.30 and get organised, pack lunchboxes, and get sorted for the day.  Mushroom and I are off to do the hill. He has dressed himself and filled his camel pack with cold water.  He can be the most adorable human. 
Drop Molly off and head to hill.  Whingeing starts 2 mins in but as soon as we hit the track he's fine and literally running rings around me.  The track is not as bad as I think it will be until we hit the last 600m which consists of neverending stairs. Stairway of death.  Manage to survive but not sure how. 
On way down it starts raining and we get a bit wet but it's so nice to hang out with my little big boy, he's hilarious. 
We get home and he refuses to shower but I definitely.do.  We get changed and I drop him off at his mates place for a few hours whilst I get some shopping done. 
I wait for 25 minutes for a coffee that is too hot to drink for 30 minutes.  
I wander aimlessly around the shops looking for inspo to buy for my daughter for her birthday.  Nothing looks good.  
Think about having lunch at shops but can't justify spending the money so I buy a piece of steak and bananas (always bananas) and head home.
Mushroom is having a ball so I eat my lunch and then possibly fall asleep on the couch for an hour and a half.  
When I wake up, I make cupcakes for my friends' daughter's birthday on the weekend and Molly's kindy birthday the next day. It's already 4pm so I go and pick up the kids and head home to make dinner.  I'm feeling lazy so make fish cakes with a tin of tuna and leftover mashed potato and pair it steamed vegies and cheesy pasta for the kids.  It's a big hit.  Sometimes you have a win.  
Bring washing in, fold and put away, vow to clean the floor tomorrow, frost Molly's cupcakes and clean up my baking mess and pack Molly's lunchbox.  Tell Juffin to put the dishwasher on before he goes to bed, fall asleep before 10.  

Thursday 
"It my Birthday today Mum?  My birthday?"
No Molly, not today.... poor darling has no concept of time. It's not even 6am...  
Juffin drops Molly off so I put Mushroom to work and we pick up all the shit from the floor and I vacuum.  Ok.  I used the movies as bribery but it totally worked.  We don't have time to mop before I leave but at least I can see the floor again and there aren't toys covering every visible surface.  It's a rush to get dressed, locate shoes, and then fight about wearing appropriate clothes that aren't stained, or holey, or both... must do wardrobe clean out and get out the door on time.    
Get to cinema only to be told that there is a vacation group in our session and seats are limited.  I'll be damned if I have to sit down the front so I race in and nab seats next to another Mum and her daughter.  Movie is dry and hilarious and very British.  Goes straight over Mushroom's head.  Worst ways to kill 90 minutes.  
We hit the shops and get lots of stuff for Molly. Mushroom is savvy shopper and assists by pointing out all the things he'd like for himself and pleading with me that he really needs them right now.  Realise again that I've left the house without coffee and wonder who the fuck I have become.  We get sushi and coffee and stuff our faces.  Manage to get home by 2 and have a little down time before going to pick her up.  I get the mopping done and hang the rest of the washing.   
Pick Molly up.  Get home, start dinner, consider getting takeaway but decide to be good, and we have taco's.  I love Taco's.  
Stay up late with Juffin and Mushroom wrapping presents and getting organised for the big girl's day.  Message my friend to see if she wants to meet for gelato, and so glad that she does.  
Crawl into bed some time after 11.  Realise that I haven't done any exercise today 

Friday
The birthday!  
Molly is up at the crack of dawn and is the most excited cherub ever.  
Can't believe we've had her for two whole years.  Can't believe time has flown by. Get emotional and wish she could be a baby forever but love her walking, talking, sassy self.  
Make pancakes for breakfast, dress children, fight with Mushroom about wearing appropriate footwear.  Can't be bothered fighting.  Too tired. Realise that it's raining and washing still on line.  Don't care. 
Miraculously, remember to take chicken out of freezer. 
Pack up snacks and jump in car, late, head to the Strand for gelato.  Molly insists on bringing her new doll and pram so have to walk at snails pace across the road with small child pushing doll in pram.  People think she's adorable.  I think she's a pain in my arse. 
Meet friend for gelato.  Strand is beautiful, kids relatively well behaved.  Head down to the park and spend a blissful two hours soaking up the sunshine and not yelling at children.  
Head home and birthday girl falls asleep en route.  Senior neighbour comes straight over when I get home to return borrowed books and bring present for Molly.   She is adorable. 
Transfer birthday girl to bed and put a nappy on her, locate more books for neighbour, thank for the present. 
Turn TV on for Mushroom and eat some lunch.  Fall asleep on the bed for god know's how long. Wake to Mushroom yelling at me that he's going to poo. 
Put roast chicken in oven at 4pm.  Whip up vegan chocolate cake for tonight. Take kids down to shop to get milk and bread and, you guessed it, bananas.  We also need potatoes for roasting.  Children are quite well behaved considering and I let them ride the unicorn out the front.  They are shit and don't even go up and down.  Rubbish. 
Get home and put vegies on, do dishes.  Go and check clothes and they're still wet. Wash some more clothes and hang out nappies.  
Juffin comes home and is greeted with cheers and affection. This never happens to me. 
He has alcohol so he is my favourite person today.  He entertains children whilst I finish dinner.  We eat and have cake.  My kids are happy.  My daughter is ecstatic.  Chocolate cake is her favourite thing in the whole wide world.  I still can't believe that she's two. 

Saturday
"It my birthday Mum?"

Fuck.