31 Jan 2016


Remember when people used to be nice?  Smile at each other?  Assist if you needed help?

What happened?

Have we become so obsessed with ourselves, with our own stupid meaningless crap that we can't be nice to other people doing their bloody food shopping?

Today I visited my local big name supermarket.  It's always busy.  The carpark is a schmozzle.  I always park further away because you know what, it's 5 metres?  I'll survive.

Upon entering the supermarket there is that weird moment where people are exiting and entering at the same door and everyone is pushing and shoving.  I get inside and a lady walks in front of me to get a trolley.  After waiting, patiently, for her to retrieve the small trolley I get my trolley.  As the lady walked past me she apologised for taking so long, it's fine, I said, you didn't take long at all.  I smiled.  She gave me an odd look.

Inside the supermarket I was shoved out of the way by a rude woman trying to get to the bananas.  I was also looking at the bananas but guess what lady?  There's a whole bloody display of bananas and no-one is standing on the other side.  I moved.  She didn't even acknowledge me.

At the meat fridge I stand back and look at the fridge from the other side of the aisle.  You know, so people can walk past and you don't take up the whole lane.  Apparently this isn't the way that you do things.  Apparently you just stand directly in front of someone as they are clearly looking into the meat fridge and block their view. As a result I then have to move as the aisle is clogged and nobody else can walk past.  I then stand and wait as all the other customers walk past.  I am still smiling.  Finally meat lover moves on and I can finally make my selection.

In the laundry aisle it happens. My smile is becoming brittle.

In the chocolate aisle it happens again.

I see an adorable baby and I smile at the baby.  Baby is happy.  Baby is smiling.  We trade grins for a while and then the mother catches me and gives me a 'what the fuck are you looking at my baby for' look.  Geez lady.  I was just smiling with the kid, I'm not going to steal him!

My smile has now disappeared. I'm mostly grimacing.  Grimacing because people are chumps and also because my front hiney is sore and feels like there's a bowling ball sitting in between my legs.

People keep pushing in front of me, knocking my trolley, standing in front of items and chatting whilst I'm clearly waiting to get items off the shelf.  There's an angry vibe.  People are rushing and impatient and annoyed.  It's making me sad.  That and the whole bowling ball thing.

I know grocery shopping is shit but fark people, it's not like it's hell!  It's hell outside!  It's literally hotter than Hades and here we are, chillin in the free AC, wandering up and down listening to early nineties pop, and looking at food.  Food!  Food is love people!  What could be better than that?  If supermarkets wanted to improve people's moods perhaps they could start handing out cocktails upon entry!  That or ice-cream.  Marketing genius!  Maybe then people would stop being such a-holes!

I am now vowing to continue my online shopping experience.  I just ran out of washing powder today and thought I'd do the whole lot at once. Dick move Jess.

Despite having to visit hells gateway, I managed to stay within budget!  Kudos to me!  My pantry and freezer are looking frickin awesome right now and I'm feeling pretty pleased with my budget sticking-ness skills.

On a side note, does anyone know how you can use your flybuy vouchers to get your extra points if you do the online thing?  I like getting my 1000 bonus points!!

These ones?  Anyone?  Anyone?  Anyone?  

25 Jan 2016


Hi, my name is Jessica and I'm shit with money.

There, I said it.

I bemoan our lack of funds ALL. THE. DAMN. TIME. But the sad reality is that we have plenty of money. We just waste it.  On crappy take out, on coffee's, on other bloody useless shit and I have no idea where it goes!  What are we doing wrong?  How can this and this equal minus this?

So I write things down.  You know, on paper, because I'm over 30 and that's how I roll.  It looks great.  Things add up.  We should have enough money to pay all our bills and save some as well... except we don't.

We have an amazing account with QCCU that makes sure all our bills are paid. I pay the rent on time, childcare, petrol in cars... I grab a few things at the supermarket.  I grab a coffee, a sandwich, buy a shirt from KMart and suddenly there's $2.47 in the account and I have no idea what happened.  I'd blame Juffin but honestly, we're both totally shit.  Me mostly.  There is no-one to blame but myself.

So heading into maternity leave for the second time, I thought it best to plan a little bit.  You know, because we have lots of time left for financial planning... ahem.  I told you, I'm shit.  We have made the decision that I'll take my maternity leave at half pay so I'll be able to stay home longer with Baby Beet and the Mushroom.

I work 20 hours per week.  That means I'll be getting paid 20 hours per fortnight.  For 16 weeks.

Good God.  What have I done?!

I know, I know. I'm a melodramatic lunatic.  Of course it can be done.  People live on a hell of a lot less.  And it's not like I'll be spending up big whilst stuck on the couch with a toddler whingeing at my feet and a baby stuck to my chest will I?

To facilitate our lean weeks ahead, I've started grocery shopping online so we can stick to budget and get the freezer and pantry all stocked up.  It's been two weeks and I don't think my pantry has ever been this full of food!  I'm aiming to spend about $150 a week now to prepare for the apocalypse and I do my own version of meal planning so sticking to a food budget should be fine... famous last words.

I will be packing the Juffin a lunch box (I do not do this already because he's a grown ass man but seriously?!) and he will be banned from buying sushi and subway for the foreseeable future.

My pantry.  Yes.  It's a mess. I like it that way and I can find everything.

I've re-stocked all my cloth nappies and wipes, which was expensive but will save us thousands in the long run, disposables cost a bloody fortune!  In this instance, I'm grateful for the age gap as the Mushroom is mostly toilet trained and I cannot even imagine having to wash double the amount of nappies!  I don't want to jinx myself, but hopefully breastfeeding is as easy as it was last time around.

I'm trying to put a few bucks extra away now but I can't help feeling like it's too little too late.  I know that the old adage 'the more you have, the more you spend' is true so I guess we'll be forced into not spending because we literally won't have anything to spend.  If we can do this, then there's no reason why we can't finally get fucking married and buy a damn house!

Aside from the above, I'm open to tips, suggestions, advice.  I have reviewed all of our insurances recently and can't save any money there but I could use practical, workable ideas to save some dough.

On an unrelated note, I found a pram that I really REALLY REALLY NEED TO HAVE!  It's second hand.  It's in great condition.  It's less than a year old.  It's all I ever dreamed of in a pram.... But it's $400!!  Where can I find $400?  Will someone buy it for me?  Should I set up a gofundme account?  If everyone who reads my blog bought me a piece of that pram for $2, then I'd only have to pay for half...

The above is a joke.

Sort of.

I actually considered begging you guys for money.

I can't sell that many cupcakes.

But I would make you food if you did.

No seriously.  Don't do that....

24 Jan 2016


Since finding out I was pregnant, what, like, 7 months ago, I've been in total denial that this baby would need to come out at some point in April.. which is now only 12 weeks away. 

I've just re-read Mushroom's birth story, which was my very first post on this blog and I honestly don't think I conveyed how traumatic that experience was for me. 

Maybe because it's not until months later, that you start to realise what fully happened to you.  

Like you were in this car crash and you just blocked it out because you survived and your baby survived and nothing else matters because you're both here and healthy...  But the thing is, is that it does matter. It matters because you want to have another kid one day and that means you have to do this all over again, and perhaps that fear and anxiety will sit at the edge of your conciousness until then. 

I'm going to talk about it here today.  Because I'm ready to, and because I need to. 

This is a LONG rambling post... 

When you're going through all these things for the the first time, you're at a distinct disadvantage.  You have no idea what to expect.  You read, you go to classes, you listen to everyone's stories, but you don't really know. It's like parenthood, nothing can actually prepare you.  It's pretty hard to prepare for something when you have no idea how your body will react.  I had only been in hospital once in my 31 years before I had the Mushroom.  I've had no broken bones, no major illnesses, I even had my wisdom teeth out in the chair with a local anaesthetic.  I had never hurt myself before and the only time I had surgery was when I was very small and had to get grommets in my ears.  I can't even remember that.  So I literally had no frame of reference.  I knew birth wouldn't be fabulous but honestly, how bad could it be?  People went back again to have more so it can't possibly be that bad?  Right?!  Even sadder is that I can literally only remember one person telling me that she had amazing births with her two children and that she felt empowered and awesome afterwards. 

One person. 

I know a lot of people. 

So there I am, the pain is all in my back, I am tired, I am scared, I am wondering why my body can't do the one thing that it was made to do?  And why am I so fricking useless?  Can I not do anything right?... See what happened there?  The self blaming?  This is what happens... women always do it.  Somehow, despite it actually being no-one's fault, your mind decides that it's your fault.  It's something you did or didn't do, somehow this could have been prevented.  Honestly, it's bullshit but it's real.  

The thing about emergency caesareans is that you're already exhausted.  You've been in pre-labour for days, you've been in active labour.. you're tired, you're confused, you're upset and you're also scared.  It's shithouse. Because of all these things, I feel like I have no voice.  The thing that I remember most clearly is sobbing uncontrollably for hours.  Just little gaspy sobs.  Defeated crying.  That and the unbelievable pain. And Juffin's white face. 

I also feel terrible guilt because other women went through much worse.  Much, much worse.  Does this detract from my experience?  No.  Does this make what happened to me any less terrible?  Of course not, it just means that I feel silly about sharing these feelings with other mothers.  

I also feel guilt because I got pregnant, had a healthy baby, came out relatively unscathed.  Many women don't get to experience pregnancy, birth, motherhood.  

I am grateful for so many things.  I breastfed, without issue, for two years.  I recovered well and didn't have to revisit hospital for caesarean complications.  My baby was healthy, and happy.  I didn't suffer from post natal depression.  Really, I was lucky. 

But you still feel like a failure.  I can't shake it and I think I'll feel like that forever, regardless of how many people tell me otherwise.  

I'm trying not to worry about April.  I have decided on a VBAC but I know that anything can happen.  On Monday last week I went to a VBAC info session at the hospital but up until then I had not thought about it in any detail.  I have not googled.  I briefly looked over the pamplet given to me at my first midwife appointment but I think I've put up a bit of a wall.  I wish I could get over it but I am terrified about re-living that experience.  

At the end of the day, I'm realistic about my chances.  I will do whatever's best for my baby and for me.  There's no sense in anyone getting hurt because I have to have my baby the way you're supposed to.  I will not be stubborn, but I will be strong.  And I will be okay with whatever decision we make.  I know at the end I will have a baby, and that will make it all worth it.

I'd love to hear your empowering, positive birth experiences so please feel free to message me or if you don't mind sharing, post away. 

28 Weeks

19 Jan 2016

Car Seat

The countdown is on and we are yet to purchase a new car seat.

We have three car seats already.  However, the Mushroom will be 4 soon and will be too big for all of them... geez.

So I did some googling, as one is wont to do when they hate the shopping, and would rather do clothes washing than spend any time in shops during school holidays.

I google, and google and google some more.  After spending countless hours online, I am no closer to being any better informed.

I decide to visit the only baby shop in town to find out what my options are.

Of course, I am intelligent and leave the Mushroom at the in-laws.

I am even more intelligent because I visit the store during the day.  When there is one person working there and zero customers.  Despite being the only human in there, I still stand around in front of the car seat stand for 5 minutes.  I finally decide to go and look for someone when I am approached by a bearded man.  'Can I help you?'  He says, smiling.

Me being a smarmy wanker says 'Why yes you can good sir, please tell me, aside from the price, what the difference is between these two car seats.'

Both are Britax Safe N Sound.  Both are grey and black.  Both are cushiony and look comfs.  Both are suitable for ages 6 months to 8 years.

But one is $479 and the other is $319.

Aside from extra padding on the $479 one, I really can't tell the difference.

And so begins the hard sell.

Mr Baby Bunting Beard asks me question after question, how old is my child, how far away is baby, what kind of car do we have, what kind of seat do I use now, do I care about safety... (seriously, he asked me this?!) how old is my current car seat...

After this battering he then proceeds to tell me why the $479 one shits all over the other one.

There are pop out cupholders!
Built in speakers!
You don't even have to pull the seat out to adjust the height!
How old is he again?  Three?  He can just plug his ipad in and not disturb you all and have his drink handy...

I'm like WTF dude?! He's a toddler, not Kanye!!

I am overwhelmed to say the least.  I hesitantly ask about a different brand which is $200 cheaper and he basically says it's rubbish and I clearly don't care about the safety of my child.  When I pull that face, you know the one where you're like, what the fuck did you just say?  He says of course all car seats meet Australian Safety Standards.  So they should douchebag!!

I've got no idea what to do.  I'm looking at the seats and thinking I still know nothing!  I quietly say I will have to discuss with my partner before making a decision and he says, well yes, it's a big decision... hey!  Why don't you come back on the weekend?  We've got 15% off all carseats, even sale stock!


Far out.

 Can you tell the difference people?!  Can you?!!!!

12 Jan 2016

Breakfast Convo

Max: Mum. There's something wrong with my doodle.

Me: Oh really?

Shovels weetbix into his mouth.

Max: Yes Mum. There's something in it or summink.

Gets down from table to show me doodle.

Max: See Mum it's sticking up. It's not apposed to stick up. Can you make it go down?

Me: I'm sure it's fine darling. Just try and ignore it and eat your breakfast.

Max: But why Mum?

Me: I don't know darling. Mummy doesn't have a doodle.

Max: We'll have to go to the shop and get you one. It must been squished and fell off.

Good God. I literally have no words.

8 Jan 2016


Can I just say that you all totally kick arse?! Seriously!  I love how supportive everyone was after my last post re douchebag ultrasound technician and bad experiences at lovely radiology practice.  You guys are amazing and wonderful.  It's amazing that you even read my stupid blog, but to reach out and provide support, AWESOME!  


This week my son went back to daycare and the Juffin went back to work and I attempted to do some well overdue study.  

See how I used the word attempted there? 

Study and I don't have a good relationship.  I'm what educator types would call a CRAMMER.  That means I wait until the last possible moment and then sit down and somehow scrape in by the skin of my teeth. 

I think I'm addicted to the adrenaline. 

In my defence, my online study provider, Open Colleges, sucks total balls and I receive zero support whatsoever.  

I'm also doing what COULD possibly be classed as the HARDEST, most RIDICULOUS, and OVER INFLATED certificate IV in the history of certificate IV's.  

Just saying. 

Anyway, 2015 was total shit.  My computer died, I had a number of health issues not limited to losing a baby and my left fallopian tube, a manic toddler and another pregnancy and this all amounts to fuck all study getting did.  

So I sat down and tried to bang some shit out. 

The bowl had chips in it, Because study requires fried potato products.

Yes, that's a pillow on my chair because my fat pregnant arse was going to sleep on the hard, unforgiving timber. 

I have set goals.  

I will stick to set goals. 

I will finish this fucking mammoth task and I will be marketing genius and all around awesome human being. 

If I don't, I will cry and feel shit about it for a very, very, long time.  Like that time that I didn't finish that degree that I'm still paying off (insert hysterical crying face emoji here) 

If anyone in the area is willing to sit down and help me I would literally love you forever and pay you in baked goods. 

I'm a good cook. 

I will make you fat.

I promise. 

I'm desperate.

5 Jan 2016


Ultrasounds have not been the funnest of experiences for me.

Compared to the Mushroom, this pregnancy has not been great.  And I feel guilty saying that because I know people who have well and truly suffered through pregnancy but I have felt genuinely ill, not morning sickness but unwell with random illnesses and bone tired.  As a result, I've been irrational and emotional and I've really had a gutful. Literally.

So here are the facts:

I'm overweight
I'm pregnant
I'm emotional
I'm sensitive

So far this pregnancy I have had to have five ultrasounds.


All of them have taken place at the delightful North Queensland Xray.

I had to have two dating scans, a nuchal translucency scan and two morphology scans.  My second morphology scan was last week.

At my first dating scan the radiographer exasperatedly said that he couldn't see anything.

I had had an ectopic pregnancy only 8 weeks before this so was quite nervous that this pregnancy may also be ectopic.  I said as much to the radiographer and he advised that he couldn't see anything significant but egg sac was in the right place.  Come back in 2 weeks.  I was 5 weeks pregnant.

I went back 2 weeks later and had to have a transvaginal ultrasound.  Fun.  The radiographer was also extremely pleasant and again noted that he couldn't see anything, but egg sac again is in the right place and only one baby.

To make the experience even better, I was also kept waiting for nearly an hour.

At my nuchal scan, 12 weeks, I had a female radiographer.  I was at the radiology practice for 3.5 hours and had to make up time at work.  She poked and prodded me so much and I was sore for days afterwards.

I had to wait a few days for the results from this one but Midwife and Dr both assured me everything was good, despite my fatness making it hard to see certain things properly.  My words, not theirs.

At my first morphology scan I was kept waiting 40 minutes.  With a full bladder this is like torture.  Again I had a female radiographer but she was actually lovely.  She told me what we were looking at and why and for once, I actually felt like I knew what was going on.  She also let me pee, which is always good.  

Two days later I received a call from my midwife to say that the results from the scan were in.  Everything looks fine, no anomalies detected, however, due to my size, certain areas were less visible.  Recommend re-scan in 4 weeks.  Midwife is amazing and wonderful and she says let's see what OBGYN says at appointment in 1.5 weeks time.

OBGYN is happy with everything.  Baby looks good, I look good (DUH) however he does think I should have scan again.


He refers me to the hospital to have a scan there but lo and behold they can't fit me in for 6 weeks.  6 FUCKING WEEKS.

I go back to my GP.  I get a referral again to guess where?!  My favourite place, NORTH QLD XRAY! DOUBLE ARGH!!!

I make my appointment for the week between Christmas and New Year as Juffin is home and can watch the Mushroom. They reschedule my appointment so I'm in at 4.30 on a Tuesday afternoon.

For once, I'm not kept waiting.

I get called in and it's the delightful radiographer from my first two scans.  Yay... not!

This piece of shit human being says three sentences to me:

Jump up on the bed and I'll be right with you.
Pull your clothes down more, otherwise I'll never see anything
That's it, we're done.

I shit you not.

I have never felt more uncomfortable in my entire fucking life.

At one point I nearly asked him if I'd done something to offend him!


I walked out of there and cried all the way home.

Unsurprisingly heard back about results and again, I'm just too fat to see things clearly but Midwife assured me that she's happy so I shouldn't worry.

I'm angry and sad all over again just thinking about it. It's hard enough being pregnant but being fat and pregnant is the worst.  I lost an amazing amount of weight and not to mention centimetres of my guts before falling pregnant this time and it feels like I did all that for fucking nothing.

The point to this story is that I didn't make a complaint but I probably should have.  It's also that fat people are people too, and we have feelings, and judging people on how they look is fucking lame and pathetic.  So don't do it.  Just like you shouldn't judge a person by their clothes, their hair, their skin colour, their car, their dodgy eyeliner... it's crappy and you're a crappy person if you treat someone like they're inferior because of it!!

Onwards and upwards.

14.5 weeks to go.

1 Jan 2016


Happy New Year!

I wasn't going to post about this because family members read my blog, and, you know, imagery.  But this is what blogging is supposed to be about, life, warts and all.

Don't worry, nobody has warts in this story.

So one morning, as people do, Juffin and I decided to spend some 'quality' time together.  You know what I'm talking about.... Q U A L I T Y time *wink wink nudge nudge*.

The advantage of having Netflix is Thomas the Tank Engine.  And Dinotrux.  And a variety of animated films.  On tap.  At any time.

So like all good horny parents we put the TV on, gave the Mushroom some food and went back to bed.

Now I'm not sure why, but we didn't close the door.

Nor did we hear the toddler approaching.

Only when I heard a voice asking loudly 'WHAT YOU DOING?' did we realise that we'd been busted.


Oh the humiliation.

I don't think I've seen Juffin move so fast.  He was shovelling sheets and blankets on top of me and literally leapt out of the bed, pulling his pants on as he went.

Juffin started ushering him down the hallway, face aflame, babbling about Thomas the Tank Engine or some rubbish whilst I lay in bed, covered in pillows and sheets, laughing hysterically.

'WHY MUMMY LAUGHING DADDY?'  I hear from the other end of the house.

What else can one do?

I can only hope that we haven't scarred the child for life.

Poor Mushroom.  No-one needs to see their parents doing it.

Scarred for life...