14 Mar 2017


You guys.

My lovely partner, who is always right and so lovely and amazing, doesn't believe that we need a bigger fridge.

Please tell him he's wrong!

Important footnote: we already have a chest freezer not in use. We just need a standalone fridge and we'd be set.

It's hot here. All our sauces and condiments have to go in the fridge.

As does 90% of the fruit and all the vegetables.

All the baking, and bread have to fit too.

And the kids 15 million drink bottles.

Please, convince him. So that way when I win a squillion dollars, I can get a big ass one!

Pps that is my slow cooker bowl full of curried lamb ready to cook all day tomorrow while I'm at work.

I know. I'm fucking organised.

6 Mar 2017

Work Family

Red Velvet
Last week on Thursday I made cupcakes to sell at work.

Things have been tough, but I'm not going to go into details here.  There are people worse off than us and we have enough money to eat and pay our bills and honestly, I'm sick of harping on about it. It was a particularly tight week, we needed the money AND people have been asking for them.

Vanilla with Choc Ganache
So I made cupcakes.  I spent most of Wednesday night creaming things (butter and sugar, not my jeans), using lots of chocolate and butter and sugar and piping mountains of that sugary goodness onto smaller mountains of sugary goodness.

I sold most of them.  The Red Velvet is always super popular and I sold all 24 of those and only came home with 11 vanilla.  I should have just made the vanilla on vanilla like I was going to but I changed my mind at the last minute.

Anyway, I sent out an email to all my work mates thanking them for buying a tasty treat as we had been doing it a bit tough lately.  I only sell the cupcakes for $3 each, so hardly making a fortune, but every cent counts lately and I really do appreciate people spending their hard earned cash on my amateur baking.

Fast forward to today and my Manager came and found me and handed me an envelope.  She said it was just sitting on her desk with my name on it.

I found this inside:

You guys!!  I had tears streaming down my face. And had to steal one of my pod partner's tissues.

The gift card is for $75.  $75!!!

I don't know who gave this to me. They obviously don't want to be found out and I have my suspicions but I may never know.

Here's some truth for you all, it's hard returning to work after maternity leave.  The first time was hard, but I think this was harder.  You're leaving your babe for probably the first time, the logistical nightmare of getting kids (multiple) ready and getting to work on time, and looking like a human being and not a mumzombie.  Coupled with the lack of sleep, expressing breast milk and preparing food for all the family to eat during the day and then dinner when you get home... and that's not counting the actual work!

Your brain just doesn't function properly after you have a baby!  Add a workplace with lots of new faces, people in different roles, changes to processes and procedures and new reports and you just constantly feel a bit awkward, on the outs, like you missed the joke and you're standing on the outside grinning like a moron pretending that you get it.  That's been me at work for the last 6 weeks and working 3 days hasn't helped to alleviate that feeling either.

So whilst this gift card is an amazing gesture in itself, it has also made me feel incredibly loved and appreciated. Like I really am a part of the team. That people really care about what happens to me.

And I'm crying again now so I'm going to wrap it up.

I can't wait to repay the favour and pay this little kindness forward one day soon.

It's been like a big fluffy hug for me today and I so fucking needed it.

28 Feb 2017


Mushroom slipped over tonight.

On a piece of flat lego.

He howled for at least half an hour and I laughed silently for at least half of that time.  Until I realised that his howling would probably wake his baby sister and then I started hissing at him to stop carrying and be quiet.

Can you say Mother of the Year?

Also, can someone please explain why a four year old boy is moodier and has more attitude than a 14 year old girl?  Always with the dramatics!  He literally threw himself on the floor in a flurry of tears and howled.

I'm in serious trouble.

Unrelated, I hosted a Tupperware Party the other day and if I ever attempt to do that again, please tell me not to.  Stress on a whole other level.

I had so many baking fails. Like three fails, in three hours.  That's unheard of Jessica's kitchen.  So this is my note to self, don't host parties where you do all the food, including making pastry and don't apply for MKR 2018 cos I clearly can't cope with the pressure.

Just don't do it future Jess.

Please share with me your Mother of the Year moments.  I am still laughing as it was so comical watching him slide across the floor and do the splits.  I felt bad for a second but I was shuddering I was trying not to laugh so much.

Please tell me I'm not the only one....

Hey!  I'm super dramatic and insane!
Disclaimer:  The above photo was taken in the carpark at the pool.  I was not driving and taking selfies.

I only do that when the kids aren't in the car.

Just kidding.  I don't selfie in the car.  That's dumb. Don't do it.

13 Feb 2017

Keyboard Warriors

Last week I was privy to another Jess go through some major bullshit online after a media outlet picked up a story about her very young son getting hurt at the playground.

For those who didn't see this on various 'news' pages and the like, you can read one of them here.

Long story short, Jess' poor little boy burnt his feet on the black rubber matting at a local playground, she posted about it to warn other parents of the dangers of said playground and in the interest of helping out other parents.


Yes, children should wear shoes.  We fucking get it.  It's hot, needles, dirt, germs, snakes, cuts... blah blah blah!  Have you got small children?  Do you know how hard it is to get them to keep their bloody shoes on?!  I could NEVER get the Mushroom to keep his shoes on.  Ever!  He would pull them off in the car, as soon as we got to the park, walking around barefoot looking like an urchin all the damn time!

Hot tip, as much as we want them to keep their shoes on, kids will take them off at every damn opportunity.  That's not really the point of this post at all.

Hey Jess!  Thanks for info love, hope your little man is okay.

That is literally all that should have been said.

Instead, Jess bore the brunt of some pretty hateful comments via some 'keyboard warriors' who's children have never hurt themselves ever and have the most perfect spawn in existence.


If you feel like it's ok to get on a public page, and vilify another parent, when all they've done is share a warning, then you're not a good parent and you're a pretty shitty human being.

It's all well and good to scroll through your facebook page and roll your eyes, gasp, shake your head at someone's post, BUT it's quite another to stop, phrase a comment, type that comment and hit post to page.  And that's just your friends posts!  I rarely post on a public page, and even then, it's generally to share knowledge or love, not berate a total stranger and tell them what a shit parent they are. What a crappy thing to do!  If you do that shit, stop now!  Shame on you!  There are real people behind those stories and they're probably feeling shit enough as a parent without you piling on and making it worse.

I don't know Jess personally.  She is a friend of a friend.  She's also a shit-hot Mum and has an amazing facebook and insta feed that she shares with her sister Kellie.  You can find them on facebook here https://www.facebook.com/omgimthatmum/ and instagram here https://www.instagram.com/omgimthatmum/?hl=en  Go and give them some love!

Mum's, parents, we need to keep it real.  We have it hard enough, and we need to stop hating on each other and just accept that we are all in this together.  Thank people for the warnings, lend support, give constructive advice.  Don't judge, don't hate, and if you wouldn't say something to someone's face, don't say it online!!

Totally unrelated, here's a pic of my son as the Mona Lisa because lols...

6 Feb 2017

Working Mum

It's amazing how you just fall back into the swing of things.

Work, kids, housework... I'll give you one guess which of those three is lagging behind?  It's not work or kids.

I'm actually feeling pretty proud of myself.  I haven't been late to work once, I've gotten dinner on the table by 6.30 every night, I'm not buying coffee everyday. It's been ok so far, but I tell you what, the level of organisation is making me feel a bit nutso.

I hate being organised.  I'm a bit of a chaotic person.  I'm messy.  Cluttered.  Not dirty, just beautiful disarray.  Being a mother has forced me to pull my shit together.  I am up at 6 most mornings, breastfeeding a baby, showering and getting ready for work, then putting food in the slow cooker for dinner that night.  If the kids aren't awake by 7, Juffin wakes them up and gets them sorted with breakfast while I put my make-up on.  I can't go to work without make-up on. I literally can't.

I pack two lunchboxes the night before.  Lunchbox fillers include oat biscuits, banana bread or muffins, leftover pizza, sausage rolls, cheese, yoghurt, corn cobs, beetroot, olives, ham and cheese sandwiches, vegemite crackers, rice snacks, hummus, and fruit.  Most of the above is homemade.

I then organise Molly's milk.  She doesn't drink much during the day, thank goodness, so I can get away with sending 300mls of breast milk separated into 3 bottles.  I send a spare just in case,  I pump at work and in the evening just before bed.  Last week I donated 2 litres of breast milk to a lady who's baby has ties and won't feed properly.  I couldn't fit anymore in my freezer.

I take meat out for dinner the next day tidy up the lunchbox filling mess.  I also get some snacks together for myself to take to work.

I fold and snap nappies together and make sure I have enough for the day at daycare.  I pack a minimum of 10 nappies, even though they will probably only use 4 or 5.  You never know with babies. I check that she has enough wipes and bum cream and put an extra wetbag in just case.

I check Mushroom's bag and make sure he has his hat, sunscreen and shoes.

I wash and fill all the kids drink bottles, 7489 and counting, and put them in the fridge.

I then sit down to watch TV whilst I fold the washing.

Before bed, around 10.30, I pump and chat to my friends on facebook.  I finish pumping and wash up the rest of the dishes and put powder in the dishwasher.  I find Juffin in his study and say goodnight.

In bed I chat to my friends on messenger until I realise it's nearly 11 and my eyes are falling out of my head.  I turn the light off and settle down to sleep.

Just as I'm drifting off Molly starts squawking and Juffin goes in to try and settle her.  I always lay awake waiting for her to be quiet before I can go to sleep.  Sometimes it doesn't happen.  Like last night, I was up with her until after 1.  She wasn't having a bar of Daddy at all.

When I finally crawl back into bed I am exhausted.  Juffin tries to cuddle me but I'm too tired to move.

5 hours later I get up and do it all over again...  and I only work 2.5 days.

I salute you working Mums.  You are all fucking awesome and you deserve a pat on the back.

I'll also give a shout out to my Juffin, a man who walks in the door after a long, hot day, and is often greeted by an angry Mum who's had enough.  Thank you for working hard, thank you for trying, and thank you for never uttering a word of complaint.

Such a goodlooking bunch!

23 Jan 2017


This morning I returned to work.

I spent the better part of my weekend baking, cooking, cleaning, washing, folding, ironing labels, pumping milk and getting organised.

I even pre-packed the slow cooker and put it in the fridge so all I had to do was put it in the case and turn it on.

Of course, because that's how these things work, at 11pm, just as I was crawling into bed, my daughter wakes up.

At first it's a little mewling here and there and then she's quiet.  We think that she's just having a yell and has gone back to sleep when the full blown screaming starts.  And I mean screaming.  Miss Molly has inherited Mum's lungs.

Juffin goes in and sees if he can settle her with a cuddle and a song.

Yes, he sings to her, I don't know what he sings but it works, most of the time.

Anyway, she settles quickly and goes back to sleep.  I go back to bed and try and relax, mentally running through all the things that I have to do in the morning to get to work on time.

The screaming starts again, she has realised Dad has gone.

He tries again but she's all worked up now and is not having a bar of it.

I go in.  I sing, I cuddle, I bum pat and hum, I lay on the floor next to her cot.

The crying continues.

It's now after midnight.

Administer paracetamol.

Juffin takes over again and I go back to bed and lay down but who can sleep with a baby screaming?

At 1am I go in and feed her so we can all get some bloody rest.  Boob and babies usually equals sleep but in this case it's not happening.  At 1.30 I give up.

She is fed, she is dry, she is loved, she is a shit and she needs to go the fuck to sleep.

I walk out and shut the door.

Screaming continues for another 15 minutes before Juffin can't take it any longer and he goes back in.  Exhausted I fall asleep.  It's after 2.

I have no idea what time Juffin finally gets into bed because I wake with a start to sun streaming in on my face and freaking out that my alarm has stopped working.  Alas it's only 5.  Unfortunately I then just lay there, unable to go back to sleep for fear I won't wake up in time to get myself and the kids ready for work and daycare.

So my first day back.  I have maybe 3.5-4 hours sleep.  My makeup melts off before I even get out the door, Mushroom is attempting world record as slowest shoe putterer on-nerer and Molly won't co-operate with nappy cream application and/or nappy snapping.

I am yelling, it's 7.50 and I wanted to be leaving by this time.  Kids don't care.  I throw my work clothes on and I herd slowest small human alive into vehicle and then load the 17000 bags that contain the necessary items to get my kids through the day and we get in the car.

Sweat is dripping off my face and I make it to the roundabout before I realise that I've left my glasses behind and I can't be staring at a computer screen all day with no glasses.  I have to go back to get them.  I turn around and burn back to the house.

"Why are we going back home Mummy?"

"Because I'm a fucking idiot" I grunt under my breath.

"What Mummy?  What you say?"

"Mummy forgot her glasses darling. I just have to go back and get my bloody glasses.."

I locate glasses.  As I'm rushing around my tummy grumbles and I find that my toast is still sitting on the bench uneaten so I grab that and I also spy my coffee.

Coffee that has not yet been consumed.

That's why my brain isn't working. Not enough caffeine. The 3.5 hours sleep has nothing to do with it....

Here's where I would talk about dropping my daughter off at daycare for the first time but I may cry.  So I won't.  I really wanted to find my girl a small family daycare, just like I did for Mushroom, but it just didn't happen. I couldn't find anywhere close enough and driving all the way across town and doing a separate drop off with Mushroom wouldn't work.

I'm not saying that the centre is bad, it's just not what I would have preferred for my baby girl.

Anyway we survived, she survived, she slept, she ate, she cried.  I got blisters because I haven't worn shoes in so long...

Our little bubble has burst and on Wednesday we do it all again...

We're not tired.  Sleep is for the weak!

16 Jan 2017


Remember when you were a kid and you felt sick and your Mum would say have a glass of water and eat a banana?

I don't have to do that in this house because you know what guys?  I spent 20 fucking dollars on bananas in the last 10 days.  TWENTY DOLLARS!!  ON BANANAS!

I know when my kids are sick because they WON'T eat a banana.  If my kids won't eat a banana, then they're on their death bed.

My son and daughter will literally inhale bananas.  I've never seen food disappear so quickly.  If I didn't supervise and limit the banana consumption, it would be 4 or 5 a day, each, easy, I shit you not.

I have to buy bananas 2.5kg at a time... Massive bloody bunches of the things. The one's that don't get hoovered up in 2 seconds flat turn into Banana Muffins or Banana Bread, or Banana Oat Cookies... or Banana fucking smoothies.

And you know what?  As a result of all the banana eating, I fucking hate bananas.  I'm sick to death of them.  I can barely stand the smell of banana baked products anymore and I've had enough of making them.  I have been baking some sort of banana product every week for 3.5 years.  I don't need a recipe anymore.  And now Molly loves them too so I'm destined to bake banana products forever more.

There is no point to this post.


I just wanted to voice my disgust with all things banana related.


Baby Banana Monster

8 Jan 2017

Another Year

Happy New Year to one and all!  Another year is over, where did the time go?  I was going to post about how shit it's been, but ya'll have read my blog, so you know that the shift from one to two children has not been easy for me.

Well that's not entirely true, to be fair on Molly, I honestly don't think that the addition of her to our family has made life that much harder.  It's the financial issues that we have faced this year and the stress that comes with not knowing how you're going to pay your bills and afford to feed your family, that's what has made 2016 particularly hard.  It's sadly all consuming but we are still very lucky.  We both still have work and a roof over our head thanks to my very, very, understanding and generous parents and help from our families.

I have learnt so much about myself in the last 12 months.  One of the biggest realisations is that I don't handle stress well.  I cry. A lot.  And I eat.  I also lash out at my partner more than what's fair and try to blame him for all that's wrong with the world.  I don't sleep enough and I lay awake tying myself in knots worrying about things I can't change until the baby wakes up.  I don't look after myself and spend way too many hours on my smartphone comparing my life to everyone else's and wishing I hadn't eaten that second muffin.

None of this is healthy, I know.  It's like I've been in some sort of holding pattern waiting for something to happen, but reality has hit.  I'm back at work on the 23rd.  Yep.  Work.

I am scared to put my uniform on because let's be honest, it probably won't fit.  Sausage Jess it will have to be.  I have tried exercising but when you can feel your stomach popping in and out of a hole whenever you bend at the waist, you don't really want to continue.  I should probably curb the eating and I WILL try.  Try being the operative word.

It's been a mad rush this week but I've organised for Molly to go to the same centre as Mushroom.  I tried in vain to find family daycare for her, and came up short.  I'm not willing to travel 20+km when I'm only a 7 min drive away from my office now.  At least this way they're both across the road and I can duck in when needed.  I've been expressing quite regularly so have quite a good freezer stash of breast milk going... I'm a bit nervous.  I'll be honest.  Molly hates being away from me and whenever she has spent time with my MIL she cries the whole time and sleeps 20 mins at most.  Fingers crossed for a smooth transition...

Assisting with my good moods has been the addition of agonising pain leading up to and during my period which is only since having Molly. I don't think the hernia is helping but I'm pretty sure this is just the way my body is going to be now. This week I was in so much agony I could barely get out of bed.  Breast feeding means I can't take much in the way of pain relief so I feel really excellent. Endometriosis is super fun.  My Doctor has recommended a mirena but I'm nervous due to the mental factor and I already have issues controlling my emotions.  I was hoping that Juffin would get the snip and we'd be all good but due to my ongoing issues with my girly bits it seems like I may have to get the mirena so my pain and other symptoms settle down.  Being a girl is awesome... not!

So I want this year to be different.  I have tried to be positive and active but my body hasn't been co-operating.  I don't have new year's resolutions but there are a few changes that I want to make in 2017.  I'm hoping that these changes will help me cope with things a little better and be happier within myself
  • Spend less time on social media and more time connecting with friends and family in real life and on the phone. 
  • Spend more time outside 
  • Incorporate patience into my life, particularly with my kids and my partner, as I seem to have patience everywhere else but at home.  
  • Be kind to myself
  • Do more good deeds 
  • Start reading books again 
And, last but not least, I hope to blog more!  Sharing my blog with you, and sharing in this way in general is so cathartic.  It makes me feel less alone.  Thank you to everyone who has read, commented, and shared my blog over the last year and beyond.  It means the world.  It really does.  

 Hopefully more of this in 2017!