30 Dec 2013

How do you know...

How do you know that you're a bad mother?  Oh let me count the ways!

You give your child rice crackers
Apparently rice crackers are like, super bad for you.  They are a mega carb or some such nonsense and ANY form of rice snack/cracker/cake whatever, is the equivalent of eating a whole bowl of rice.  With lard.  Topped with sugar.  For reals.  It was totes on the internet so it must be true.  I give Mushroom rice crackers every damn day.  I thought it was better than giving him potato chips or sugar laden biscuits.  Apparently I am mistaken.  FAIL.  

Your ultimate fantasy involves a night in a hotel room. With takeaway food and a bottle of wine/vodka.  Alone.  Or Jake Gyllenhaal, actually probs not.  That means I'd have to wax.  I am not one of these mother's who cannot leave their child for a few hours, without tearing up or thinking about them constantly.  I mean I work, so I leave my son for six hours a day, four days a week.  I have super cute photo's of him on my desk and I do think about him.  I would kill to be a stay at home Mum, but, honestly, some days I cannot wait to get away from him.  Some days when I hit that highway I just want to keep on going.  Some days I wish I was single and I could eat popcorn for dinner.  Clearly that is a motherhood FAIL.

Your vocabulary mostly consists of the word NO and "What did Mummy say?"
Sometimes at the end of the day I get into bed and I realise that all I said to my son that day was varying forms of the negative: no, stop that, ahhhh don't touch etc.  You're not supposed to say no anymore.  It makes your child crazy or stupid or emotionally challenged or mentally underdeveloped or colours their spiritual aura.  I don't know, I can't remember specifics but it's bad.  And I do it all the time.  Sometimes I even say fuck in front of him.  Not to him, but in front of him.  Ok, most days I say fuck.  Fuck, that IS really, REALLY BAD!  FAIL.

You use string to babyproof
Little people who are extremely mobile can also be extremely dangerous.  To themselves.  And to anything that is at their eye level or within their reach.  This means no drawer, cupboard, table, sliding door, blind, shelf, switch, plug or ledge is safe.  Pretty much your whole house is a death trap.  As we're totally crap, we have used string to secure our cupboards and drawers.  That and closing doors to death trap rooms, like the toilet and the bathroom.  Closing doors isn't a fail, the use of good ol' string is though.  FAIL.

ABC Kids is your favourite TV channel
Sometimes your child will treat you as their own personal stripper pole.  This can be annoying.  They also like to grunt and make 'EEEEEHHHHHH' noises whilst trying to climb your legs, pull your pants down or generally make you stop what you're doing and pay immediate attention to their ever increasing need.  Sometimes their need coincides with cooking a meal and juggling hot things in the kitchen or going to the toilet. Kitchen stuff I can sometimes leave, bathroom stuff, no way.  So that's where ABC kids comes in.  If it weren't for Giggle and Hoot, Peppa Pig, Sesame Street and In the Night Garden I would be a starving woman with poo stains in her pants.  Skinny would be good, poo stains not so much. According to a gazillion medical and scientific studies any television/screen time before 3 years old is bad news.  FAIL.

Your child wakes crying in the night and you pretend to keep sleeping so your partner will get up
Self explanatory really.  Sometimes I'm really just too tired and I fear if I go into the Mushroom's room I might yell at him and tell him to go the F back to sleep. Even though I don't do this, I think it, so that makes another big fat FAIL.

You consider re-wrapping toys that your child already has and pretending they are new for Christmas presents.  
I mean, am I right?  Does he even know what's in the bottom of those toy buckets?  I bet he doesn't.  When I suggested this to my partner he looked at me aghast.  I guess it was a bad idea.  FAIL.

Arsenic hour exit strategy's are your forte
You advise your beloved that you're out of 'insert crucial dinner ingredient here' and have to run up to the shops.  You shut the door on a child about to climb the walls with hunger and tiredness and head up to the shops only to spend half an hour chatting to your sister on the phone in the carpark as it's the only chance you get to have an uninterrupted conversation.  FAIL.

I have given my child chicken nuggets 
Nuff said really.  Do you even know what's in a chicken nugget?  I have a vague idea and none of it is nice or wholesome, or remotely good for you.  I'm out of excuses.  EPIC FAIL.

There are more.  But I don't want to tell you about them for fear of vindication and ridicule from the masses of perfect parents out there. Yes, my tongue was firmly in my cheek when I just wrote that. Feel free to comment below.  Judgement free zone.

Even the Mushroom thinks I'm a bad mother!
Yes, I did take a photo of my son whilst he was having a meltdown at bedtime.  I TOLD you I was a terrible Mother!

22 Dec 2013

The Grinch

Yesterday I turned into the Grinch.  Big time.

As we've discussed before, I'm not the best shopper.  Soul sucking comes to mind.  This is only worsened by the fact that Juffin is the world's most ridiculous shopping partner.  So my whinge this year, on top of my general 'I hate shopping' rant is 'I hate shopping with the Juffin' rant.  I HATE it.

At one point I nearly took off my beautiful engagement ring and threw it at him.

The 'end of our relationship' hate.

Think Sauron in the Lord of the Rings hate.

That's how much I hate shopping with the most indecisive, unapologetic, frustrating human being on the face of the planet.

Things are only exacerbated by the fact that our little Christmas savings account has been raided several times over the year leaving us with not much in the way of dollars to pay for things.

I'm being naughty and doing gift vouchers for my nearest and dearest but only because they're all going to be in Brisbane this year and my bro is taking the presents down for me and has limited space.  I also didn't want to pay for postage.  I know, I'm an awful, awful person.

My niece however, deserves a present she can unwrap and hold (not that the rest of family don't but she's 4 so it's more exciting for her.  Ok, that's not very fair on the rest of my family but I'm sorry guys, you know I love you!) So I was in one of the department stores, you know the one, with the giant red circles, there are people jostling everyone, kids screaming, sticky unknown items clinging to the bottom of my shoes.  I am pushing my angelic, sleeping child down the too narrow toy aisles, trying to remember what my sister told me was the 'must have item' this year.  I was failing.  I turn to ask for support from Juffin and lo and behold he's nowhere to be found.  I'm faced with an aged lady clutching a fluorescent pink my little pony who's trying to squeeze past my sizable arse and my huge pram.  "Sorry, excuse me," she says as she pushes past in one direction, I turn and try to lift the back wheels of the pram closer to the shelf as a kid coming from the other direction pushes past, "S'cuse me!" he bellows.  I'm about to have a coronary.  If all these arsehats wake up my child there will be blood in the aisles.

I take a deep breath and call the sister.  Ahhh, Lalaloopsy.  Of course.  Idiot Jess.  She chastises me for leaving my shopping until the last few days but I know that she was doing hers two days ago so whatever.  I manage to locate the dolls and marvel at their giant heads.  Why must dolls have giant heads?  I know that Barbie is nowhere near anatomically correct but even her head is on the largish side.  So weird.  After contemplating this for a moment, I pick two and then force my way out of toy aisle hell in search of the missing Juffin.   It will be a surprise to no-one that he's looking at Lego.  Star Wars Lego to be specific.  My 33 year old fiance is looking at Star Wars Lego.  Oh dear.  I berate him for going missing then ask him why he is looking at Lego that our son will not be able to play with or be interested in for at least 5 years (crossing fingers for never here but with a super nerd for a Dad the likelihood is high).  He tries to tell me that he's looking for Mushroom and that it's a good investment.  Wow.  Lego as an investment.  Now I've heard it all.

That was just the beginning.  Everything out of his mouth after that grates on my every nerve.  I get a mumbled 'I dunno' after every question.  I ask if he's hungry, 'I dunno', I ask if he wants to go anywhere else 'I dunno', are you an alien from Mars 'I dunno'.  We go to change the Mushroom's nappy and he just stands there while I go to the toilet.  Doesn't think to start changing him without me, that would be helpful and appreciated.  I am gritting my teeth so hard that my jaw is starting to hurt.  It's only been 90 minutes and I am ready to run away and leave this man forever.  FOR EVER!

Generally I can deal with Juffin's laid back attitude.  It balances out my ridiculously highly strung nature but shopping just does something to me.  It's the putrid combination of crowds, fluorescent lighting and ugly clothes.  It makes me nuts.  Add a shoestring budget, limited present options due to postage and weight, time constraints, and limited input from a mute partner and I turn into a psycho hose beast.  And I think the thing that makes it all the more worse is that it's all my own fault.  I have no-one to blame as I just couldn't get my shit together this year.  At least last year I had the newborn excuse, this year I got nothing!  I couldn't even be bothered posting on this blog, let alone being organised for Christmas. At the toy sales in July, why wasn't I there with all the other nutso Mum's rushing in and laybying my little heart out?  What's wrong with me?

It's not the end of the world.  Hilariously, now that I've hashed it all out on the keyboard, I do feel a little better.  I'm not going to leave him, despite my fervent desire to do so, it would just do me good to remember that I don't shop well with others.  Even my chosen life partner.  We'll sort our shit out and Christmas will not be a total disaster but, honestly, can I just get it the F together next year so I don't have to cry?  Third times a charm right?

Santa Juffin
The only thing that made me laugh today was turning Juffin into Santa.

That and my son turning the stereo off every 2 seconds for nearly the entire Drapht album.  Juffin was actually getting cranky.  I did nothing to stop it.

19 Dec 2013

Jess and Juffin: A lame story (I can't call it a love story cos that would be lame!)

On Sunday 17th November my boyfriend of almost 6 years proposed to me.

I cried like a baby.  A very large baby who'd only been waiting for that damn proposal for about 20 years....

Obviously didn't know Juffin 20 years ago but I remember reading my favourite book when I was a kid and thinking I can't wait until I meet my beau, my love, my Gilbert Blythe.  He was so dreamy, and perfect, and the whole thing was so romantic and desperate because she thought she didn't love him, but she obviously did, and finally realising that... ahhh, Anne of Green Gables.  My favourite book of all time.  Anyway, since reading Gilbert's proposal to Anne for the first time, all those years ago, I have been secretly waiting for my proposal.

And waiting.

And waiting.

I didn't have much luck in the love department.  In high school I think the boys thought I was a bit weird.  I'm also pretty loud and was chubby compared to my friends (I wish I was the same sort of chubby now!!) but for whatever reason, it just didn't really happen.  There were plenty of boys that I had a crush on, but no-one seemed to crush right back at me.  Hilariously, I went out with Juffin on a date in high school.  Yes, we went to high school together.  Ridiculous.  I think I was 16.  I do know that we went to see the Ghost and the Darkness which should have been the perfect date movie but I just felt annoyed that he'd bought maltesers (I don't like maltesers) and my hand got so sweaty cos he kept holding it.  The movie wasn't that scary.  We walked home and chatted afterwards but I think I got a little freaked out by how intense he was.  It felt like he was looking into my soul with his blue, blue eyes.  We kissed and then I went home thinking I'm so not ready for a boyfriend.  That was my one and only high school date.  To the man that I am now going to marry.  Is that the definition of ironic or is that something else?

University was a little different, however, I got my heart broken early on and that ruined me for years.  I'm not exaggerating.  He ripped my heart out.  I was devastated.  For a few short months, I realised that I wasn't that fat, or weird, I just hadn't met the right boy yet.  And then he left.  And that was it.  So began years of club hopping, bed hopping and lots of blurry faceless boys.  I'm not ashamed.  I regret nothing.  I had the time of my life but somewhere, deep down inside, being drowned by litres of vodka and bourbon, was my little dream.  The dream of finding my other half, the one.  Despite having my heartbroken, I still just wanted someone to love me as much as Gilbert loved Anne.  Or, more realistically, the love between my beautiful parents.  To find someone to love who loved me back, just like my parents, that was my little dream.  This year my parents celebrated 35 years of marriage.  35 years.  That's a big deal these days.  

At 27, after seeing the same boy for years and it going nowhere, I said for the billionth time that I was not going to call him again.  I was out, again, and this time I was definitely thinking that I would stick to my guns.  I'd gone out for a work thing and was hanging around outside this bar and I remember seeing him and thinking, 'Shit, that's Juffin!' Now sometimes when you see people from high school, they pretend they don't know you and walk on by, or they just don't see you.  So I was standing there thinking is he going to say hello?  Will I say hello if he doesn't say hello?  He's pretty cute.  And tall.  And cute.  Oh god, he's looking at me, he recognises me, he's smiling, HOORAY! 

10 years of living in the same town and we'd run into each other once before that night.  Destiny?

I remember him putting my number in his phone and believing absolutely that I wouldn't hear from him.

We've been together for 6 years next week.

After harping on about for about 5 years and 11 months, it finally happened.  We got engaged.  We went out to an Italian restaurant for dinner. Juffin seemed pretty nervous, and was wearing his best shirt, so I knew something was up. He also told me to wear a dress.... like he ever cares what I wear! All throughout dinner he kept asking me if I was enjoying the meal, that I looked beautiful, telling me that he loved me... it was not normal behaviour.  At that point I thought, far out, it's finally going to happen!  O.  M.  G!!  I was so nervous about it I almost dropped the aracini ball on my lap.

About halfway through our dinner and it started raining, really hard, and Juffin did not look happy about it.  He was searching the sky, staring moodily at the clouds, it was odd.  It hadn't rained for months and he generally gets pretty excited about it. I knew in that moment that he was maybe going to do it, but the rain had put a spanner in his works so maybe he wouldn't do it after all.  I tried not to think about it and instead, stuffed delicious boscaiola into my mouth.  Even if he didn't do it, the food was amazing and I wasn't wasting this night out!  More wine waiter please!

By some fluke, we managed to score a free nutella dessert pizza but after all that Italiano goodness, I was seriously struggling to move.  The rain had well and truly set in and we were alone, dining al fresco, people watching and laughing.  It was lovely.  We finished what we could of our dessert and Juffin got up to pay the bill, still no ring, so I thought, oh well, it’s definitely not happening, totally misread that situation, geez!  

Another five minutes went by, we ate a lot of Italian food, and I said enough's enough, go and get the bloody car so I don’t get wet walking over there. He just laughed and said, yeah yeah yeah, fobbing me off.  Just then the tent we were sitting under started buckling under the weight of built up rainwater and I shrieked, I gotta get out of here and I jumped up out of my seat, thinking that a mountain of water was about to bucket down on my head.

As I was jumping up Juffin grabbed my hands and said 'Wait' and went to kneel down but it was wet so he was sort of hovering above the ground and not quite kneeling and he looked up at me with those big blue eyes and I just lost it.  I started crying.  Juffin said "I love you so much.  I can't imagine being with anyone else but you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you" and I was just standing there blubbering everywhere but laughing as well.  :"You're everything to me, will you marry me?" he said, then gave me a little black box. I could barely see I was crying so much but when I opened it and saw the beautiful ring, I couldn't believe it.  Over and over again I kept saying 'oh my god, oh my god, it's so beautiful' tears streaming down my face.

Juffin stood and kissed me and said "Does that mean you said yes?"

We were both laughing and I said "Yes, of course yes!"  Then he put that beautiful, shiny, unique ring on my finger and I just about exploded with happiness.

No big display, no rose petals, no declarations of love shouted from mountaintops, no champagne. Just Juffin and his beautiful, heartfelt, nervous words of love.

I will never forget it.

My Engagement Ring - Alexandrite with two diamonds 

My face says it all really!

First Birthday

On the 22 October the Mushroom turned One.

It was exciting.  And sad, all at the same time.  He wasn't quite walking but taking steps.  Not sleeping through, but almost.  Gurgling lots, eating lots, being cute 99.9% of the time.  Here are some photo's from the day.

And yes, the cake.  I made it all myself.  Fondant and everything.  I am crazy and will never do that again.  I was a bit sad that some of the fondant melted down a little but in 30c heat, that's expected!

Breakfast as a 1 year old!  

What is that?!  

Actual Birthday Birthday Cake - Banana shaped Banana Cake!  

Big present - Trike!  What a cool rider!  

Taking some steps

The Mushroom Cake for the big party 

Our little Fam

If you squint it looks so cool!  

One whole year, where did it go?  I'm almost crazy enough to think it's time to try for another....


The title says it all really.  Bloody pathetic.  And you know what’s even more embarrassing?  When you say that you’re going to post at least three times a week and two months later you recover from the embarrassment of not posting for weeks and realize that you’ve maybe posted three times TOTAL since making that statement.  Now that is embarrassing.      
There were a few things happening, but, honestly, none of them were that pressing that I just couldn’t sit down and post.  It all just seemed too hard.  And when you’re a Mum, things seem too hard, a lot of the time.  And I don’t even work full time. 

First things first, the MUSHROOM TURNED ONE!  YAY! 

He walked.  DOUBLE YAY!


Some other things happened; Mushroom started sleeping through, we finally dropped down to three breastfeeds a day, Mushroom and I travelled over the ditch to visit the whanau in New Zealand, Mushroom stopped sleeping through, I made lots of cupcakes, Juffin reached new levels of stinkiness in the fart department, we welcomed a PS4 into our plethora of gaming consoles and techno gadgetry, and I got addicted to Breaking Bad.  

At present we're humming along nicely getting ready for Christmas.  Or not ready for Christmas.  I haven't done any shopping, our money was spent on my trip and Juffin's car (don't even get me started) so we're on a shoestring for Christmas once again.  I can't complain though because I really am grateful for all we have.  

I am going to do some catch up posting.  I promise.  There will be a walking post, an engagement post (because everyone wants to hear that story!) a birthday party post (only because I'm so proud of my first birthday cake attempt!) and I wish I could do a smellovision post so you could endure the rotten, stinky, abomination that is my fiance's flatulence.  

Today's obligatory selfie (1 of 5000) 

16 Oct 2013


We've had an amazing bedtime routine for the majority of Mushroom's life.  Whilst his day sleeping has always been a bit shit, he will always go down without a fight at the end of a long day.  We do dinner, bath (shower with a parent whatevs), book, some boobie, then bed.

Until now.

Over the last month, we've had a few nights where the shithead, whoops, I mean the child, will not co-operate with his 7pm bedtime.  Like tonight, at 7.45, he was doing laps of the lounge room and the kitchen banging a plastic peg on the tiles and shouting Dad at the top of his lungs.  We did our best to ignore him. I mean, what else are you supposed to do?  I still can't bear to leave him scream in his room so expend some energy it is.

We made it clear that nothing fun happens after you go to bed Mushroom.  We just finish our dinner, do some washing, hang out washing, fold up washing, pack lunchboxes, clean filthy highchair, clean filthy house, shower.. you know fun stuff like that.  Ok, sometimes we just look at the mess and then collapse on the couch because it's all too hard, but you know, nothing fun.  No raucous parties.  No loud tunes.  No mountains of chocolate.  Sometimes I'll bake.  Or read a book.  Those nights are fun. For me.  Not exactly your idea of a good time.

So here we are at 8.30 and he's finally asleep.  I had to sit in the recliner with him laying on top of me, sucking furiously on his dummy, whilst he pulled my hair and finally dozed off.

I'm blaming a late sleep.  See I had my deforestation appointment this afternoon, so the Mushroom spent an hour and a half hanging at my Mum's house whilst I had that going on.  And he fell asleep, at 4.30, when they went for a little stroll down the road.  Stupid Mushroom.  You need to sleep at 3, not 4.30.  He must hear my voice on arrival and wakes up 5 minutes after I get there, only to fall asleep on the drive home as well!  Ugh!  I know in my very soul that this will mean a late bedtime and what happened?  Huh?  What did I tell you?!  

Obviously I'm onto it.  The days when he won't go down to sleep at 7 are because he has had a late sleep.  So no more late sleeps... but like this whole parenting fiasco, easier said than done.  He's trying hard to move to one sleep but it's just not happening yet and he's not ready.  He still needs that power nap of an afternoon to see him through to bedtime. I may have to start being vigilant and start clock watching.

Or drugging him.

Either way, good to know that I've figured that one out and not complete shite as a Mother!  Another positive, appointment raving success and now have tidy, waxed and hair free areas on my person. Happy as a clam.

Finally succumbed to sleep.  Turd.

15 Oct 2013


I attempted to perform some Mummy maintenance last week in the form of hair removal.

Found a lovely lady on the book of face, home salon, kids room for the Mushroom to play in.  Sounded amazing. 

Unfortunately things that sound amazing, will generally turn out to be a big, fat, f up.

Which it was.

There were numerous signs which should have indicated to me that this was a bad idea but I just forged ahead, determined for leg deforestation. 

  1. Juffin's pay didn't go in on Friday morning.  I just dipped into my cupcake money and thought, stuff it, I deserve this.
  2. Enroute I realised that Kelso is a really long way from my house.  Google maps was telling me 37 minutes and my appointment was in 15 minutes.  Whoops. 
  3. I then sit in roadworks for 10 minutes making my arrival time a whooping half an hour after the appointment time.  I was humiliated.  
I am sweaty, apologetic shaking mess when I finally rock up at this poor woman's house.  Mushroom is extremely unhappy after having to sit in the car for so long and is gripping my shirt with the strength .  I can't help thinking that if I'd been on time we'd be almost finished by now and leaving happy and hair free.

Waxing lady is lovely.  Her house is lovely.  Her kids are lovely.  My Mushroom, not so lovely.  As soon as I put him down with the girls and their toys, he loses his shit.  They dance around trying to entertain him and he eventually starts smiling.  Grabbing the opportunity, we manage to jump into the next room and get started with a minimal amount of fuss.   I am silently crossing my fingers and hoping that the boy behaves himself.

Approximately 5 seconds later, the Mushroom realises that I'm no longer in the room and starts up again.  Argh!  I feel so awful for this poor woman. As my lower limbs are covered in wax, she goes to get my screaming Mushroom and tries to calm him down.  He's not having a bar of it.  You're not my bloody mother, I can feel his indignation from the other room.  She brings him into me and his little red tear soaked face is enough to make me cry.  He's swinging his little head around frantically searching for me and when he locks eyes on me he nearly launches himself in my direction.  Oh dear.  I feel like the World's worst mother.

Despite the stickiness all over my legs, I jump up from the table and grab my poor anti-social boy.  He's really worked himself up into a state now and despite lots of cuddles and cooing, the crying is not abating.  I figure he's hungry and whip the ol' breasticle out.  If all else fails, stick a boob in his mouth.  What do you know?  He stops.  I then have to deal with a very inquisitive 4 year old asking me lots of questions about breastfeeding and why is the baby boy crying etc.  It's very cute, however, I'm feeling increasingly uncomfortable and embarrassed by this whole venture.  Why did I think that this would be ok?  Why didn't I just get my Mother to watch him while I did this?  What kind of selfish woman leaves her son with a bunch of kids she doesn't know whilst she gets her bits waxed?

Enter Jess the Gymnast.  We continued the wax with Mushroom sitting on my chest.  I then stood up and held him whilst she did the backs of my legs... Not exactly ideal. As the Mushroom seemed happier and was playing around the floor for a little while we took advantage and decided to do an underarm.  I'm not sure why we decided to do that but almost immediately it turned into a very bad idea.  What was supposed to be underarms, eyebrow, legs and bikini, turned into legs and one underarm.  I am officially lopsided. The wonderful woman then refused my attempt at payment and gently suggested that I come back next week sans child so she could finish up.


Wonderful woman.

So I'm going back tomorrow.  Without the Mushroom.

I vow to be on time.  Have cash.  And get that shit done.

The trials of motherhood, I tell you!

How could someone so cute cause so much trouble?!

14 Oct 2013


Can you believe that this little Mushroom is ONE YEAR OLD next week?!

Laughing it up 

I'm in total denial.  I'm also in denial that my son will grow up one day and like, be a big boy, a teenager (ARGH!) and then a man and stuff.  That's just weird.  I know nothing about raising boys.  Boys are still so mysterious to me.  I look at boys running riot in shopping centres, parks, outside of schools and I think, good God, someone control those creatures.  When they push past me at the shops with their dirty socks and they're stinky boy smell, I recoil in horror.  Then I realise that in the not too distant future I'll have one of those and will be unable to control him, or his body odour, either. Scary.

On another note, I don't have much good news for you.  Unfortunately I have not been walking, have not stopped eating red rooster chips and nor have I organised any kind of study for myself.  I have, however, thought about doing these things often.  The curse of the procrastinator...

Why can't I just get off my fat butt and put my mind to good use?!

6 Oct 2013


Mushroom loves banana's.

Like honest to goodness true love.

If we're swinging past the bench and he happens to glance at the bench and sees them in the fruit bowl he will try to launch himself out of my arms and onto the bench.  He gets all excited and yells 'NANA' at the top of his lungs.

You can only imagine what it's like at the supermarket when we go past in the trolley.  The look on his little face when he sees that pile of yellow bananery goodness.  His little eyes light up and he starts hooting and carrying on....everyone around us just goes 'awwwwww'

Probably the cutest thing the little man does...that and exist of course.  But I'm bias.

5 Oct 2013


It's time to get serious about my life and where I'm going.

I'm going to make a number of statements and then I'm actually going to try and stick to them.  It's called commitment or not being a procrastinator.  I don't know what the word is for not being a procrastinator.

When you work and you have an 11 month old, sticking to anything is hard work.  Housework, washing, general Mummy maintenance like shaving legs and keeping eyebrows groomed.  I won't go into the finer details.  Suffice to say, things have been slipping for quite some time, but I actually believe that if I wasn't at work, things may be worse as there's no sense of urgency with these things.

I have started so many posts in the last 4 weeks and they are just sitting there.  Not finished.  And I've re-read them and feel like I'm waffling so am now tempted to delete them.  Short and sweet is going to be my new motto.  The Mushroom also broke my laptop a week after I purchased it which has contributed to my lack of posting as well.

Excuses, excuses Jess.  Geez!

So here are goals... it's scary putting them out there like this

  • I will post on my blog three times a week
  • I will research then commence an online course about how to make my blog spiffy and cool
  • I will enrol in a cake decorating class
  • I will speak to my partner without acid in my tongue - I'm a real B these days!  
  • I will endeavour to walk with the Mushroom three times a week 
  • I will stop comparing my life to other's..  (Syria, Sudan, Afghanistan, Somalia... suck it up Princess.  There are millions far worse off than you!)  

That's all I've got for now.  But they're a big deal.  I am going to be positive.  I will try to stick with this.  I mean, how hard can it be?!

My little inspiration xox

1 Oct 2013


Last week we had our first case of the dreaded hand, foot and mouth disease.  I mean gross.  It sounds disgusting (mad cow disease anyone?!) but actually wasn't as bad as I thought.  I think we got off lightly.  Touch wood.

According to trusty ol' WebMD it takes a few days to get the tell tale blisters and this is usually after a lengthy 'incubation' period.  Double gross.

Basically we hung out with our usual little dude friends on the Thursday, he was fine. I went away and had my party weekend (more on that later) I got back and he seemed fine.  Didn't sleep much but the Juffin put it down to me being absent and Mushroom just generally being a cranky one.  On Monday the Mushroom went off to his Meme's house like usual. We'd had a bit of a disturbed evening but I thought teething again.  Tuesday was when all the drama went down.

After 3 hours sleep on Monday night I really should have known that he was sick.  I mean what kind of bad mother am I?  Again, I just assumed it was teeth.  I mean teeth are to blame for everything! 

I dropped him off at daycare after being cried at for an hour.  We were half an hour late.  And he fell asleep in the car on the way over there.  He NEVER does that.  He then STAYED ASLEEP when I put him down in his portacot.  Wow. 

I went off to work, thinking holy shit, glad that's over.  Around 11.15 I got a call from the daycare Mum saying that he was inconsolable.  I could actually hear him screaming in the background. She wanted to know if ok to give paracetamol and I said sure, but wasn't convinced that that was exactly why she'd rung.  She sounded stressed.  I immediately said I would come and get him but she was all coy and like no it's ok we can do this, but I wasn't convinced.

I raced out of work and picked him up. Poor little Mushroom had the reddest face and his eyes were all puffy.  Apparently he just wouldn't settle all morning.  Crying, wouldn't calm with cuddles, stories, dummy nothing.  She seemed to think it was teeth too, but just said he was off all morning.  In that moment I just felt like the shittest parent in the whole World.  I mean why the f am I going to work when my boy is crying at someone elses house?  Why didn't I just stay home that day when he kept crying at me?  Why didn't I know that something was wrong? 

On the way home we stopped in at the chemist and I got some baby paracetamol as his little head felt a little hot as did his chest.  He had a rash on his legs but Juffin said that they'd been playing in the park and it was just irritated from the grass.... um, no.  First sign of disease is a rash douchebags. 

The afternoon was pretty uneventful, I had to lay down with the Mushroom in my bed to get him to have an afternoon nap but he seemed ok after paracetamol and cuddles with his Mum.  He was then up for most of the night, hot, crying, wouldn't settle.  Egads.  This was terrible.  I went to the Dr first thing on Wednesday morning as there were blisters on his feet now.  Obviously hand foot and mouth.

I was off work for the week.  The whole week with my sick little Mushroom.  And the sad thing is, even though he was sick, he seemed happier.  He was happy playing by himself, he slept very well during the day (let's not talk about the night sleeping) and he seemed much happier overall.  No screaming at me from the floor of the kitchen, no crying when I put him down and left the room....  It just made me feel even worse about working and leaving my son with other people for 5 hours of every weekday.

I'm hoping that I can win lotto.  Or find a money tree.  Or discover that I'm actually really good at something that I've somehow missed in the last 32 years and capitalise on my awesome special skill... I'm pretty sure eating pasta in record quantities ain't going to make me no money!

A sick little Mushroom sleeping on his Mama 

26 Sep 2013

Just Because

So who asked you?

No really.  Who asked you?

Just because I have a child and I mentioned that I'm tired doesn't mean I need your advice re sleep training, crying it out, tough love.

Just because I'm still breastfeeding my baby and he's turning 1 soon, doesn't mean I care that you think I should stop now, tomorrow, next week, next year.

Just because we are still keeping our son rearward facing in the car, doesn't mean he's unhappy and would be 'better' if he was turned around.  He's fine if he wasn't, we'd turn him around.

Just because I won't give the Mushroom any refined sugar until after his first birthday, doesn't make me a bad parent.

Just because I went back to work early, doesn't mean you get to judge me and the decisions we had to make as a family so we could pay our bills.

Just because I bitch about Juffin sometimes, doesn't mean he's a bad guy.

Just because I'm overweight, doesn't mean I spend my day stuffing my face with crap.

Just because my boyfriend hasn't proposed yet, doesn't mean we will never get married.  And think about what you're going to say before you open your mouth.  How do I know why he hasn't proposed yet?  I'm not him!

I don't care how you feed your baby, boob or bottle, big deal.  I don't care what direction your car seat is facing in, do what's right for you.  I don't care if you feed your kid sugar.  I don't care if your partner/husband is perfect.  I don't care that your boyfriend proposed on the top of Mount Everest whilst you were serenaded by a choir of angels.  Icould go on, but I think I've made my point.

Being a parent is hard enough without having people thrust their opinions down your throat.  There's also a difference between giving friendly advice and being a judgmental cow.  I strive to do the former now but have been guilty pre-parenthood of the preachy 'you should do this' attitude.  What a dickhead.  I apologise wholeheartedly for being an obnoxious bitch to those affected.  I'm sorry.  I had no idea that you were dreaming of punching me in the face.

Disclaimer - I appreciate all the advice that I receive.  Friends, family, complete strangers.  This is in no-way directed at anyone in particular and nothing happened recently to influence this blog. Just read something online and it made me think about it...

17 Sep 2013


This is what my Mushroom does at meal times. 

And this was nothing.  Last night (I can't believe I didn't photograph it!) I had to take the damn highchair outside and hose it off.  HOSE IT!! There were bits of smushed up chickpea fritters every where! 

You can even see in this photo that a bit of food has hit the blind.  That white stuff is yoghurt. Yoghurt on the blinds.  Along with dust and crap but that I can ignore.  Yoghurt I cannot.  I even see some sweet potato on the skirting boards. 

Embarrassingly, my house is a pigsty.  I am no super mum.  I am flat out getting dinner ready these days and I only work part time.  I would literally die if I worked full time.  The Juffin is getting the shits with how messy the place is, but I don't see him jumping up to do anything as I sit here typing up my blog.  See, clearly a shit housewife as would rather blog than tidy up squalor. 

The list of things to do around the place is endless.  There is a literal mountain of clean clothes covering one of the couches (at least it's clean right?!), a load of nappies in the machine waiting to be hung out, dishes on the sink, spiders spinning webs up in the corners, the fans are ineffective at fanning as they have so much dust on them, the lawns are dead and the floor is a sticky, grotty mess.  We are disgusting. 

And this is how much I care...

See, that?  Exactly.  There was nothing there.  Could not give two shits. 

Yay for squalor and pigstyery.  Wow.  I just tried to use pigstyery as an adjective... perhaps the filth is affecting my brain?!   

10 Sep 2013

All I want for Christmas...

Is my two front teeth!

Ok not quite Christmas, but two front teeth!  Yay!!!!  

(soz for the booger nose shots too by the way but damn, it's hard to get a photo of the Mushroom's teeth!)

Thank f for that!  I thought only one had come through but it looks like the one on the left is not far behind. 

Now that they're through (mostly) maybe we'll get some damn sleep around here.... who am I kidding?  That will never happen, but I'm hoping against hope anyway. 

Judging from my awesome photo's, poor Mushroom's bloody fangs look like they're going to make an appearance in the not to distant future... damn you teeth! 

9 Sep 2013


On Friday the Mushroom spent his first night away from his Mum and Dad. 

I was nervous, the Juffin was nervous, the MIL was nervous... Mushroom wasn't nervous cos he had no idea what was going on. 

Breastfeeding has proved overnight stays away from the Mushroom a little difficult up until now.  I stopped night feeds about six weeks ago when I realized that it was more habitual rather than actual hunger.  It took a few days but he's mostly sleeping through til about 5am now at which time I do feed him because settling at 5am is not up on my list of fun things to do.

Despite this little win, the last month or so has been pretty bad as teething has caused the little one an insurmountable amount of drama.  Men. 

All of this lead up is just my way of justifying having a night off.  It was the Juffin's birthday, I had managed to stockpile a little milk and we had booked the movie and bought some drinks.  It was happening.  A night off.  I don't know what I was more excited about, the movie, the drinks or the prospect of an uninterrupted night's sleep!

During the movie and all the way home, I didn't think too much about the Mushroom.  I mean we'd been out for dinner and a movie before, so that was nothing new.  It wasn't until we got home and I went into his little room that it hit me that he wasn't there!  It was such a strange feeling, like wanting him there and needing to rush off and pick him up but also thanking my lucky stars that he WASN'T there so we could have some much needed quality time (read sleep).  You feel guilty that you are loving your alone time but sort of wish you did this more often, then feel even guiltier!  You know what I mean?  Anyway, I managed to shake off the weird feeling and get on with it.  It helped that the Juffin received a text message from the MIL advising Mushy went to bed no worries, sleeping well now... hmmm. 

You can guess what happened next, a youngish couple, first night off in months, bourbons in hand, one thing led to another and... yep, you guessed it, nothing at all.  That's right.  Nothing.  I mean we had some dinner, talked a bit, had a few cuddles on the couch.  I had two drinks, total and was feeling awesome until I fell asleep on the couch and had to be dragged off to bed by an equally tired Juffin. 

Ahh, bed, sleeepppp.  Uninterrupted sleeepppppppp.  God I love sleep... Hang on, what the hell is this?  Why am I being shaken awake, what time is it, what the hell is going on?  Is Max ok?  It's still bloody dark outside.  I'm met with a douchebag, sorry, man, towering over me asking me where the headache tablets are.  Are you fucking serious?  Do I take headache tablets?  Did you not have some last week?  Where the hell did you leave them after you took them?  It is FOUR AM!  FOUR!  My first night off in 11 months and you wake me up because you have a headache and you can't find the headache tablets that you are the sole consumer of? There is no emergency with our son, just douchebaggery at it's finest. 

After that I toss and turn for three hours silently fuming and regretting my choice of life mate.  At 7ish I finally admit defeat and get up to watch the news.  I'm actually just biding time so I can go and pick up my less annoying, younger male family member.  It's strange not seeing his little face first thing and I'm really missing him now.  Especially considering I got no bloody sleep anyway so he could have just been here! 

When I get to MIL's.  Alone.  I'm to discover that my shitty sleeper is not so shitty after all. Lo and behold, the boy slept just fine at his grandparent's house.  He woke up once (!) or twice (!!) but settled straight away with a cuddle and back into bed.  When I do that he just starts screaming again when I put him down...  I then had to listen to a barrage of how awesome he is from MIL and basically that I must be overreacting or doing something wrong re the sleeping.... I won't get into it here but it was long, and annoying and I was annoyed and tired.  And in no mood to deal with it.  Especially considering that everyone in that room has had more sleep than me! 

As my MIL is talking Mushroom is climbing all over me and babbling away with a big cheesy grin on his face, so happy to see me.  I can imagine the inner monologue, "I'm so glad you're back Mum, I like your chest where the milk comes out, why don't you break those out?  Come on, break them out, break them out, break them out, whoa, what's that noise?  Look!  I have a finger!  Look!  I can stick my whole fist in your mouth Mum! Guess what Mum? I can't wait to keep you up tonight as I'm so well rested from sleeping over at Meme's house"  Yeah I bet you can't you little turd...  I'm thinking maybe my little boy is a bit of a douchebag too?! 

Mini douchebag?!

3 Sep 2013


I'm at the end of a very long day. And I have to be up at 5.30 tomorrow morning to get to work by 8.  But I just had to share this.

Mushroom's Lunchbox 
I love packing my boy's lunchbox.  I mean I love food.  But I love putting all those yummy little things in his little lunchbox for him to munch on the next day.

From the top left going clockwise we have an avocado and vegemite sandwich (only one piece of bread), baby carrot and apple rice cakes, yoghurt with a cut up strawberry, a veggie and cheese muffin (homemade of course!), half a banana and some tuna fish and spinach cakes leftover from tonight's dinner.

Juffin is jealous.  I don't pack him a lunchbox.

2 Sep 2013

First Father's Day

The Juffin had his first Dad's day yesterday.  All things considered, it went off pretty well.

First I underestimated how much money we had as I had some unforeseen expenses so funds were low.  Despite this, I still think that Father's Day is more about the gesture, rather than the gift itself, so didn't want to go too crazy anyway, but it was like I was being punished or something.

Confident in my choices, I went to the bookstore to get the next book in the saga of books that the Juffin is reading, no go.  Hmmmmm, don't really want to get a different book as once he starts a series he likes to finishno other book stores in this centre so we'll just move onto the next choice....

Head to gift store for a 'World's Greatest Dad' mug as he has been breaking all his mugs lately,except there are no suitable mugs.  Holden mugs, Ford mugs, beer mugs, alcohol branded shit but no 'my Dad is kickass' mugs.  Like anywhere.  What the hell?!  Is there a conspiracy that I'm unaware of?  Did people just suddenly decide that the world is just too cool for a cheesy 'My Dad Rocks' mug?  What kind of world are we living in when there are NO CHEESY DAD MUGS FOR FATHER'S DAY?!

I run into my boys and I can tell that the Mushroom is getting shitty but the Juffin is shittier as he just loves hanging out in shopping centres doing nothing.  What am I doing to do?  I give the Mushroom a quick breastfeed whilst frantically thinking of things to buy in my head....  Ok. Deep breaths. I tell them I will be another half hour, tops.  The look on Juffin's face is not good but what can I do?  I cannot give him nothing for his first Father's Day!

All is not lost.  I have come up with a couple more back up ideas.  He has run out of his American Crew man hair and body wash so I'll just go to the Hairhouse Warehouse and get some of that.  Except when I get there there is an empty spot where the 3in1 is supposed to be.  I race to the counter where they inform me that there must be some sort of mistake as there were a few bottles there just yesterday... but there it is.  An empty spot which can only mean that they DON'T HAVE ANY!  WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?! The girl in the hairdresser is glad to be rid of me as I have that manic look in my eye. 

After all these disappointments I don't even know why I bother looking in the surf shop.  There are no size 11 Pacman thongs, nor size 34 boardies in the only pair that he would have been caught dead in.

Dejected and defeated, I have reached end of my tether shopping mode, usually reserved for the day before Christmas.  In a blinding moment of sheer desperation and genius I run into the trusty old supermarket.  I buy two giant mugs, one blue, one grey.  I buy copious amounts of chocolate.  I race around the corner, running like a mad thing, and see the fancy tea shop.  My man loves tea.  Tea it is!  I buy some of the most expensive tea known to man (I mean seriously, is there crack in that tea?) and I shove it all in my handbag.

Moral of this story is, don't leave things to the last minute.  Or Stockland sucks balls.  Either way, the Juffin didn't give two shits what we gave him for Father's Day.  The Mushroom did a painting for him at daycare so he's happy with that, and my man ain't fussy.  There's tea and chocolate so he's suitably chuffed.  Even more reason to be chuffed when I say he can stay in bed whilst we go to swimming without him, sleeping is the best present ever! Upon returning home I cook up a giant breakfast of eggs, bacon, beans and sausage, hash browns, mushrooms and tomatoes and feed him until all he can do is roll to the couch....  he's winning and it's only 10.30.

I won't tell you about the rest of our day, as that's just boring.  There was cupcakes and a I deboned a leg of lamb and made a kickass curry so he was thoroughly fed and watered making the Juffin a very happy man.

Story time with Dad

Ridiculously it's his bloody birthday on Friday so I will be trying to get his present tomorrow.  Or Wednesday. But definitely not leaving it until Thursday....  Yeah.  Right.

31 Aug 2013


The Mushroom has done four adult sized turds today.


What the hell is going on?

Last count the boy only weighed 8.47kg (two weeks ago) I think today alone he has lost a kilo in poo.

To reiterate, he's not sick.  It's not diarrhea, it's actual solid, sticky, stinky poop.  And it's disgusting.  And it stinks to high heaven.  And now my whole bloody house has this faint pooey odour.  It's seeping down from the laundry and permeating through the entire house.

Couple this with a man who refuses to shit in the toilet and keeps doing number two's in the ensuite, making no escape from the poo smell in the bedroom either.

I keep going to have a chew on my fingernails and then realise there's probably crap under there that I can't see.


How someone this cute make such disgusting messes in his pants?  
I am beat.  I'm hoping that tomorrow is a poo free day just to make up for today.


29 Aug 2013

Bad Mother

My sister turns 30 next month.  I'm so excited.  There's just one catch.  She lives 1300km away.  This means I have to fly down to the big smoke to celebrate with her for her birthday.  Big deal, you may say.  And it's not really but we're always tight on cash, so that's why I've decided to do a 24 hour stop and go, BY MYSELF, so I can go and see her and celebrate with the family.  Does this make me a bad mother?

My plan is to fly out of Townsville at 12ish, get into Brisbane at 2ish.  Meet up with the family, head to the Gold Coast, have a great night out, brunch in the morning then back to the airport and fly out at 2 to be back home by 4pm Sunday.  Can I do it?  Can Juffin do it?

As I'm still breastfeeding, I'll take the trusty Medela with me and express when I can so I can keep my milk supply up and make sure the Mushroom has plenty for the 24 hours I'm away.  It really shouldn't be an issue as he'll be 11 months and eats lots of food but I just keep thinking of all the things that can go wrong, which is me all over.  The Juffin has assured me he'll be fine, and he did do a whole afternoon and evening alone last weekend when I was at a work conference thing, but my concern is mainly being so far away.

What are your thoughts?  Am I a bad mother?  Should I just pay the extra $500 odd to have them come with me, or just suck it up and go?  I know that I will be thinking of them the whole time, but I would if they were there anyway................

Could you leave this face for 24 hours?!  

28 Aug 2013

Before Mushroom

When you have a child, things that used to be easy, are now hard.

Fuelling up the car
Filling the car with petrol on the way home was no biggie.  Now I have to time fuelling up with whatever is going on in that AHR Meridian in the back seat.  Great filling up times are: after drop off to daycare, after leaving work on the way to pick up child. If these times aren't convenient then you can definitely try when child is awake and co-operative, child is very asleep so able to be moved successfully, or partner is in the car also.  Other contributing factors include: is there enough money in the bank account, mobile reception so can access money in bank account, purse in vehicle, able to locate purse in cavernous nappy bag.... exhausting!

I know, I know everyone says it but goddamn!  My boy is still not sleeping through and we've had a couple of tough weeks lately.  It's amazing how little sleep you do need to adequately function.  This is exponentially increased by your access to hot water as you always feel more active after washing your lack of sleep away. What I wouldn't give for 7 uninterrupted hours.....

When you're single, or childless, you can eat whatever you want.  If you want to eat popcorn for dinner, you can.  If you're too lazy to cook, you can get takeaway.  When you have a child, you can't do either of these things.  Which sucks.  I mean you can get takeaway for the adults to eat but you still have to provide your child with a healthy, nutritious meal to fill his tiny tummy.  This usually involves cooking so you may as well cook yourself and your hubby a nice meal anyway.  And FYI this doesn't mean that you lose weight.

Going to the Toilet
I now have an audience when I go to the toilet.  Enough said really.

Dashing to the shops
There's just no such thing really.  Any outing is an expedition.  Nappies, wipes, bottom balm, change of clothes, dummy, toys, chew ring, food, bib, hat, sunscreen, sippy cup, tissues to wipe snotty nose.  And then there's my stuff!  Purse, keys, green bags, shopping list... inevitably I will leave the shops with everything but the one thing that I went up there to get and have to turn around and go straight back.  Today I went to buy lettuce and left $40 poorer and still no lettuce!  Still waiting for someone to open up a drive thru convenience store so you can just drive thru and get your bread and milk without waking the child in the back seat!

Before Mushroom I could do all these things, and more, with relative ease.  I could also read lots of books, watch lots of mindless tv, bake and cook without an 8.5kg obstacle dogging your every move, hang out with the Juffin and sleep until 11am, smoke cigarettes and drink lots of beer and vodka.

Life was pretty boring and predictable, and I guess it was easy.  Now, every day something exciting happens.  The Mushroom has added technicolour to our lives.  And though I miss being able to sleep in till 11, I wouldn't trade the Mushroom for any of those things. Not even the sleeping, or the vodka.  And I really like vodka.  And sleeping.  In that order.  (insert smiley face here!)

Mushroom - 10 months

9 Aug 2013

Tired out

This afternoon after I got home from work, the Mushroom and I did some laundry, chased a ball around the lounge, looked at the dishes in the sink then decided to have a sleep.

Sleeping Mushroom Lion 
I find that if we both have a little nap together he will sleep a little longer and I can catch up on some zz's as we're still waiting on the top teeth to come down and I think they're causing some havoc as we're having a few more wakeups but will settle quite quickly with a few cuddles. Hooray!

Ridiculously we slept until 5.  That was a 2 hour sleep.  Juffin must have worn him out this morning by getting him to work on cars or something.  He's now up and full of beans when his bedtime is 6.45pm.  Whoops.   Oh well, it's Friday night.

Also any tips on how to get the Mushroom to stop wanting to climb all over me whilst on the toilet?  This afternoon I was trying to do my 'bidness' and I had a very unwelcome visitor who wanted to get up on my lap, um, no dude.  Toilet time is for Mummy's only.  I have tried to shut the door on him but he just screams outside it until I open it and I mean scream, my boy's got some lungs... the joys of motherhood.

8 Aug 2013


I have many excuses for my lack of posting of late.  Some of these include the following:

  • I work now, that takes up my mornings.  Being a Mum and working is hard. 
  • My day seems to disappear rather quickly.  By the time I think about blogging I'm tucked up in bed barely able to keep my eyelids open long enough to turn the lamp off. 
  • The Mushroom demands my attention 24/7 so if he's awake then I'm chasing after him to make sure he doesn't kill himself.  Possible causes of death include: electrocution, choking on any number of items (plastic bags mostly, have no idea where he gets them as I do regular sweeps to make sure there's none around but alas), death by stinky shoe eating, salmonella (eating bits of crusty what I assume must be food off the floor but is no longer recognisable to human eye), head injury (trying to move too fast for his little arms and faceplanting the tiles), crushed by books (started pulling all our books off the shelf and we have many) etc etc blah blah blah you get the picture.  Everything is a hazard.   
  • I couldn't be bothered.
  • I downloaded the Tetris app on my phone so that takes up a lot of my previous blogging time.

    Ok the last two were probably the most legitimate reasons.  Sad, I know. I'm addicted to Tetris and I just couldn't be bothered blogging.  Even more sad is that I haven't had any complaints as yet but here's an update for those readers who have been wondering what the hell has been going on!    

    My Mushroom is now around 8.75kg, I haven't been able to measure how long he is yet as he just won't stay still long enough and I'm always by myself when I try to do it.  We have abandoned trying to use the change table and now just do it on the floor, not as dangerous and much less stressful for me!  He is babbling constantly, saying Dad Dad Dad a lot, zooming around on hands and knees, trying to stand independently and needs to be upright at every opportunity which can be very annoying/dangerous when I'm trying to cook dinner!  He is sleeping much better, breastfeeding a lot less, eating lots of different food and generally being the bestest, baddest Mushroom on the block.  He spends his mornings with his Meme on Monday and Thursday, family daycare on Tuesday and Wednesday's and Friday mornings are Juffin and Mushroom time.

    The weeks are flying by and my days as a stay at home mum are just a fond distant memory.  The thought of returning to work filled me with dread and anxiety initially but I find I'm a lot more organised now and seem to be getting shit done.  Obviously the downside is missing out on spending time with my boy, but he also seems to be adjusting just fine.  He's been extra clingy on Wednesday's when we have an early start but hopefully this will pass soon.  If I put down all the things I miss about staying home with the Mushroom I'll start crying like I did last night watching Offspring and I'll end up with an aching head, puffy face and eyes that look like pillows.  Like everyone else in the universe, if I could work out a way I could stay at home and make enough money then I'd be doing that.  But I can't.  Sob.

    Mushroom - 9 months 

    17 Jul 2013


    The Juffin and I don't really go in for sport watching.  I love watching Rugby Union with my family but with Juffin it's a little boring as he's not very interested and I'm pretty sure he doesn't have much idea of what's going on.  Neither do I for that matter, but I'm a New Zealander so I have to like Rugby. It's in my DNA.

    Anyway, as we don't really do the whole State of Origin thing, but we live in our town where people think you're absolutely bonkers if you don't do the whole State of Origin Rugby League thing, then I thought I would dress the Mushroom appropriately for today's big game.

    Go Queensland or if you're really hardcore "QUEENSLANDER!"

    Oh dear.

    15 Jul 2013

    Death by Cupcake

    I've gone a little crazy in the cupcake making department.  I've never been much of a baker but I came across this website whilst googling recipes for a girlfriend's baby shower.  I made the pumpkin ones with cream cheese frosting and nearly died.  They were amazing.  However my baking skills were a little rusty!

    Pumpkin with Cream
    Cheese Frosting
    I then tackled the chocolate with peanut butter frosting and the mocha.  Juffin was so impressed with my new found obsession that he bought me a recipe book of 500 cupcakes for Mother's Day on the proviso that I wasn't to make the same cupcake twice.  You think I can't do it Juffin?!  Challenge accepted!

    I went out and bought myself a piping kit, did some you tubing on how to frost, and viola!  I've made over 200 cupcakes in the last 3 months. Here's some of the highlights!
    Mint Choc Chip with
    Mint Buttercream 

    Dark Chocolate with Peanut
    Butter Frosting
    White Chocolate with
    Raspberry Frosting 
    Chocolate with Chocolate

    Rosewater with Pistachio
    Cream Cheese Frosting
    My skills aren't that great, equipment not much better! (I still use a hand held beater) The piping is a bit dodge, and sometimes I over beat and they come out a little dry, but damn, I am loving baking me some cupcakes!

    It's no wonder my arse won't bloody shrink!

    14 Jul 2013

    Myth Busters - Part 2

    Further to my post the other day there are more things that kept running through my head and I was like 'Moron!  Why didn't you include that in your post?!'

    Myth:  When your baby starts eating food, he will sleep better.
    Fact:  When your baby starts eating food you will have heaps of mess to clean up and there will be food stuck in unimaginable places.  They probably won't sleep better.  Not to mention the extra washing.  Which was already at a ridiculous level.

    Myth:  When your baby starts crawling/being more active, they will sleep better.
    Fact:  Your baby will just start stuffing around in the cot, roll around like mad and hit his head and cry.  Or he will stand up and won't be able to get down and cry.  Or he will be flailing around like a mad thing and get his arm/leg stuck and cry.  He will not sleep better.

    Myth:  Breastfeeding becomes easier over time.
    Fact:  Your baby will find new and interesting ways to torture your nipples by biting, scratching, pulling and generally acting like a homicidal maniac whilst at the breast.

    Myth:  Once you get into a routine, everything will fall into place.
    Fact: I'm yet to see the fruit from this little gem.

    Myth:  If breastfeeding your period won't return for ages.
    Fact:  I'm not going to go into gory details but if ages is 2 months, then that happened.

    Myth:  What worked for your baby will inherently work for all babies.
    Fact:  Obviously this is bullshit.  Your baby is an individual, just like you.

    Myth:  You can never take too many photos.
    Fact:  You can.  I have over 2500 photos from the last 9 months.  Two and half THOUSAND.

    I have 2499 others just like this!
    I think I'm done with the whole mythbusters thing now... NEXT!

    13 Jul 2013


    I started back at work 2 weeks ago.  Hence my prolonged blogging absence.  I apologise!  This working Mummy business takes a bit of organising!

    I'm only working part time, 4 hours per day, so it's really over in a flash.  I feel like I get there and then I have to pack up and go home.  Which is fantastic!  I'm not there long enough to get bored or get annoyed with people, I just get in, do my work, have a chat with adult person's then I leave and pick up my very cuddly son.... who is also coping very well indeed.

    Which brings me to this...  Is it bad that I didn't cry?  Not when I dropped him off the first time at the MIL's house, not when I dropped him off to family daycare for the first time?  Not even after the first two weeks when it finally sank in that I was back at work?  Does that make me a bad mother?  I felt really anxious that first week and he was really sooky but seems to have bounced back now and hardly seems to notice when I leave him!  I think I feel bad about not feeling worse, does that make sense?

    Unfortunately not returning to work wasn't an option for us.  I would have loved to have stayed home with Mushroom forever and play games, sing songs, and make a mess of the house together but the cold hard facts are, we're still renting, Juffin doesn't make a lot of money, we still have car loans to pay off, and the cost of living is ridiculous.  Our last electricity bill was $700!  Since having the Mushroom we have definitely cut back on frivolous spending, but you just can't run a household on the amount of money we had leftover after taking care of all the big stuff.  And believe me, we tried!  We were down to breadcrumbs.

    After successfully gaining a part-time position with my awesome employer, there really was no way I could put it off any longer.  So here I am, gainfully employed and being a Mummy. Instead of dwelling on my guilt I'm proud that I'm helping my family by putting food on the table and being able to buy medicine if my son is sick.  And that helps.  Because what the hell else are you going to do?

    Kisses after work :-)

    25 Jun 2013


    There are a few things that you genuinely believe are true about motherhood until you actually become a mother, then they're busted.  As in the Mythbusters, myth busted.

    And I hate the Mythbusters by the way as one of them, can't remember which one, Jamie or Adam, but one of them looks like an ex beau of mine and that reminds me of a time in my life that I'm not particularly proud of.  Not because of the ex, but the way I saw myself and the treatment that I put up with.  Not like violent treatment, just not very nice or loving or appreciative and sadly I thought that I couldn't do any better so kept returning to that particular person WAAYYY longer than I should have.  

    And they're annoying as hell.  The Mythbusters.  The ex beau is also annoying, but I was mostly talking about the Mythbusters.  And I really dislike that guy Tory on the show.  I mean, Tory is not really a boy's name is it?  Not that I care that his name is Tory, that has nothing to do with him being super annoying, just that it's weird, no?  And that chick Kari!  She's super annoying too!

    Hmm as per usual neurotic personality type took over and I've spent this whole post talking about how I  really don't like the Mythbusters instead of talking about motherhood myths that have been busted for me!

    Myth:  Breastfeeding will help you lose weight/baby weight.
    Fact:  This may be the case for some women but I'm yet to see a real, actual, woman that I know lose weight through breastfeeding.

    Myth:  Your love for your child will make up for the lack of sleep/sex/alone time.
    Fact:  Whilst not strictly untrue, you do feel really tired all day long and long for the time before you were stupid enough to fall pregnant.

    Myth:  Babies make couples closer.
    Fact:  Ok. No-one actually believes that anyway but just thought I'd make sure that y'all know that that shit is a damn lie!

    Myth:  Cloth nappies are hard.
    Fact:  Doing the washing is hard period.  That's as hard as it has to be.

    Myth:  You will love your child instantly.
    Fact:  I didn't.  It took a few days and then that whole weird maternal, motherly thing kicked in.  I'm not sure if that's because of the cesarean or I'm just a stone cold bitch.  Probably the latter.
    (ok this isn't strictly a fact but it is relevant to me, and this is my blog, about me and my life, so there!)

    Myth:  It's easy to be a stay at home mum.
    Fact:  Nothing is fucking easy about being a stay at home mum.

    Myth:  You will stick by your principals and never co-sleep/use a dummy/have ABC kids on/pooh with the door open/wipe snot off your childs face with your fingers.
    Fact:  Obviously you do all of the above and more awful, disgusting, ridiculous things because you're a Mother now and as if any childless person would understand!

    Myth:  Your life does not have to change just because you've had a baby.
    Fact:  You're an idiot.

    "You're crazy Ma!  Mythbusters is a REALLY GOOD SHOW!"