22 Dec 2015

Shithead Things Three Year Old's Do

Fact: Life with a Three Year Old is never dull.

Also fact:  Three Year Old's are total shitheads.

I don't know why people say that age Two is terrible, Three is much, much worse.  I would even go as far to say that Three is fucked.

So this post is entitled:  Shithead things that Three Year Old's Do

1. Run
The Mushroom is a runner.  If we're out, he bolts.  The shops, the park, the beach, the pool, he just legs it and he doesn't come back.  He doesn't acknowledge me calling him, threats of violence don't contain him and the promise of reward if he doesn't run has nil effect.  I know now why people put their children on leashes.  I want to so bad.  

2.  Piss and Shit Everywhere
We are currently experiencing a total toilet training regression.  He has started pissing and shitting his pants again.  This is after being super awesome for months.  I pick him up from daycare and he is only wearing jocks because he's been through three pairs of shorts in 8 hours.  When questioned on why he's having so many accidents, I get the illuminating response of: 'my no know'.  I can be thankful he's actually answered me I guess as this is another shithead thing that three year olds do.  

3. Selective Hearing
Selective hearing is one of my pet peeves.  I just can't condone people who don't fucking listen.  I can forgive you if you legitimately didn't hear me but when I repeatedly ask you the same question 5 times and you don't respond, look out.  It boils my goat.  I get so angry that I envision ripping arms out of sockets.  It doesn't help that my lovely fiancĂ© has the same issue.


4.  Whine.

You get the idea.  I don't have any teeth left.  I've ground them all away.

5.  Yell
I'm loud.  I'll admit that.  However, the Mushroom is louder. He has no concept of inside voices.  He yells everything and gets so excited that he nearly pees his pants.  If I don't answer him immediately he yells until I do.  I tried to point out the irony of this to him today as see previous paragraph regarding selective hearing but it fell on deaf ears.  Literally.

6.  Sudden Aversions to Random Things
Yesterday I was yelled at to get the 'special apple machine' down from the top of the fridge as he couldn't eat his apple with the skin on... despite 3 hours earlier devouring an entire apple, skin and all. Has total tantrum on the floor because he wants the skin removed immediately or the earth will shrivel up and die.

7.  Wanting Anything That Isn't Theirs
Would you like a cracker Mushroom?
No my wouldn't.
Ok,  I'm having crackers.
Rightio!  No crackers for you.

I sit down to eat crackers.

Muuuuuummmmmmmmm, my try some?

8. Everything Is Mine
Nuff said really.

The list could really go on and on and on and on and ON!

Motherhood.  Why am I having another one again?!  Oh that's right, he's the bees knees (insert love heart face emoji here)

21 Dec 2015

Week 23

I feel like an elephant.  When you feel like you're having the longest gestation in the history of pregnancy.

Like remember when Britney* was pregnant and it felt like it would never end, that's what my pregnancy feels like.

Look at it.  And me.  In my disgustingly dirty Mum singlet.  That's real life right there.


*Britney Spears.  She was a late 90s early 00s pop icon.  And was pregnant for 15 years.... Not really but you know what I mean.

19 Dec 2015

Sick... again

Today my food intake looks like this:

A carrot
Copious cups of lemon and ginger tea
Two lemonade icy poles

I'm sick. AGAIN.  This pregnancy has seriously been nothing but one shitful illness after the other!

First there was gastro, which I thought was morning sickness, but then turned out to be gastro because you don't nearly shit your pants when you have morning sickness. Dr's advice, plenty of rest and fluids... yeah, right...

Then the headaches kicked in and have been ongoing the entire time.  Paracetamol is balls by the way. May as well just eat tic tacs.  Just saying.

We hit the 20 week mark and I stupidly think maybe this is it, maybe I've been as sick as I'll get but no, because last week I ended up getting fucking conjunctivitis, yes, PINK EYE.  I had to have the whole week off work and looked like something out of a Japanese horror movie.  You would assume that childhood illnesses like conjunctivitis would be common in a household that contain small children, EXCEPT THE MUSHROOM DIDN'T HAVE IT!  Just me!

Yesterday I went for a walk in the morning and hung out at the park with the Mushroom and some friends.  Got home around 1.30 and felt absolutely flogged.  I put it down to broken sleep and not having done much in the way of exercise for a while.  I passed out on the couch with Thomas the Tank blaring and didn't wake up for 2.5 hours.  God knows what my toddler was doing in that time but he is still alive and managed to get his lunchbox out of the fridge and eat the entire contents.

I've now spent the last 24 hours in agony as I can't breathe out of my nose, every joint is aching, my back, my neck, my head... I am gasping for breath like a mouth breathing frog and honestly feel like chopping my own head off to save myself the misery.  My sinuses feel like they're full of fucking lead.

Actually dying

The Juffin has been very helpful today keeping the Mushroom entertained whilst I flop about complaining and gasping.  He even attempted to go Christmas shopping but returned an hour later.. amateur.

To make matters worse, I can't even go to bed early tonight as we are now off to see Star Wars.  I've already paid for the fucking tickets and I'm not wasting $45 so fingers crossed I don't die in the aisle on the way to my seat.

Apologies in advance to all those attending.  Undoubtedly you will get my pestilence now.  Sorry.

16 Dec 2015


I'll be honest.  My car has never been high on my list of priorities to clean.  Listing my preference for cleanliness AND willingness TO clean in order as follows:

  1. underwear 
  2. kitchen
  3. bathroom/toilet
  4. clothes
  5. floors 
  6. bedroom
  7. rest of house
  8. yard
  9. neighbours yard 
  10. then, like, dead last, my car 

Obviously a real lover of cleaning.  I don't know what's wrong with me. I like clean things, I enjoy the smell of eucalyptus and tea tree. I'm just a slob.

Anyway, sometimes I get angry at myself for being so useless.  I look around at the baskets of clothes to fold and put away, the cobwebs in the corner, the dust on the blinds and it usually annoys me for all of 30 seconds and then the enormity of actually cleaning and doing all those cleany type things gets me really, super down and I go watch some Netflix or sit on the toilet and I get over it.... you know, what a slob would do.

My car is no exception, however of late I've noticed that there are a number of ants that are now inhabiting my vehicle.  They have moved in.  Lock stock.  And they're not those little sugar ants, they're those big black bitey ants. And they're bitey.  And they're biting me. I have tried talking to the ants and telling them that my car is not their new abode and I am not their new chew toy so can they can kindly remove themselves from vehicle and find somewhere else to live but it has fallen on deaf ears.  It's like they're not even listening.

If that wasn't distressing enough, today I got in the car and it smelt like a dead thing.  Like something was rotten and putrid and dead.

Because this

Mushroom is worse than me.  There were apple cores, cracker crumbs, pizza bits, sand, dirt, sticky unidentifiable stinky items... I nearly heaved a number of times.

I am embarrassed to say that I used to berate my sister about her filthy car in years gone by and now, now I feel nothing but shame.  I'm a working parent.  I get it.  Toddlers are actually completely unstoppable and you literally have a thousand other things to clean over your bloody car.  Like poo pants and wee dribbles and yoghurt off the wall opposite the kitchen table.  If I had money, I would pay someone to clean my fucking disgusting car, but I don't.

With this post I would like to offer my sister a heartfelt apology.  I'm sorry spiritual sista.  I'm sorry for giving you a hard time about your disgusting, gross car.  I should have offered to clean it for you but being the selfish childless person that I was when I made those comments, it didn't even occur to me to offer.

In summary, my car is a total disgrace.  I can no longer ignore the problem, or stand to smell the problem so it looks like my Friday afternoon will now be taken up with car cleaning duties.  Don't anyone tell Juffin, he'll keel over if he knew I was planning on spending any time inside my car cleaning it.. I remember wistfully when he loved me enough to do it for me... those days are long gone! (insert mega sadface emoji here).

15 Dec 2015

Whale Tale

Today we dressed festively for work and I felt like a whale.  I still feel like a whale.  I don't think I look like a pregnant person, I just look like a massively obese person who should hide under a garbage bag.  

14 months ago I had a bit of an epiphany re my fatness and decided to do something about it.  We'd been trying to conceive for 12 months at that stage and still nothing. I guess at that point I realised that my health was probably an issue.  

I started training 6 days a week, cardio and strength.  I cut back on my intake.  I tracked my food using an app, gave up sugar and started paying attention to how much I was putting on my plate and, in turn, going into my mouth.  

I made progress.  

By February I'd lost nearly 12kg.  That's the first photo.  There's only 1.5kg difference between February and April but I think the picture speaks for itself.  It was just happening so SLOWLY!  How can you go from couch potato to motivated molly and only lose 13kg over 6 months?!  It was frustrating as fuck!  So then I did what I always do.  I gave up.  Not totally at first but I started slipping.  Bigger serves here, a few chips there,...  I celebrated my friends 40th and my own birthday in June and had a bit of a blow out.  I ate lots, drank lots, cake, cocktails, lots of bread... yay for birthday's!  I fit into an awesome dress and felt really good about myself for the first time in ages.  I could do this.  I'll stick with this. I'll be a fit, healthy person.  

The day after my birthday I found out I was pregnant. 

Two days after that I wasn't pregnant any more.

I won't go into it in this post, as that's a WHOLE other story, but the emotional eating definitely kicked in and my motivation slowly dried up. 

I don't know why I couldn't maintain my drive.  I don't know why I reverted back to eating too much and doing too little.  It all just seemed to hard and I was just so sad. 

I haven't put all those kg back on, but it feels like I have.  And now that I'm pregnant, and it's all going ok this time, I feel like such a failure because I worked so hard and I was getting so fit. I feel huge already and I have a long way to go...  

I'm not sure what the point of this post is.  Maybe as a reminder that I can do it, that I will get there again, that there's nothing stopping me except me.  

Weightloss is 100% a mental journey.  

14 Dec 2015

Sleep is everything

I went to pee this morning and I came back to this...

Really?!  Really REALLY?!  Look at all that room!  And you choose to lay on my side hogging my $150 pillow and spread your tiny body the whole way across the bed?

I was re-reading my posts re the Mushroom and his sleeping and I'm proud to say that he's not that bad now.  Of course, now that I've talked about it, it'll all go to shit.  Sleep is everything.

We've worked really hard to get the Mushroom to stay in his bed at night.  What is it with small children and wanting to be near you all the time?  I love that he loves us.  I love that he wants to sleep with us.  I mean he's adorable, however, I do not love his wriggly sweaty head on top of mine all night.  I do not love his bony feet kicking me in my back/bum/face.  I DO not love clinging to the edge of the bed at 3.28am thinking homicidal thoughts.  Sleep is everything.

So if he comes in before 4am, we put him back.  Sorry, correction, I put him back.  I'm the mean one.  I scoop him up and cart 14kg of sweaty toddler down the hallway and plop him back in his bed amid muttered protestations and half-arsed attempts to stay awake.  At first, he would come back in half an hour later.  I just persisted.  My bed is mine.  Sleep is everything.

The Mushroom is so clever that he soon clicked that it was his mother who put him back in his bed.  If he could get in on Daddy's side and not wake up Mummy then he could stay in the bed because Juffin gets out of bed for nothing.  As in nothing at all.  He would literally have to be on fire before he'll get out of bed.  I envy him.

So here we are with a sneaky toddler and Juffin, aka Sleeping Beauty.  Most nights Mushroom sleeps through and sneaks in around 5ish.  This I don't mind.  I also don't mind if he sneaks in earlier on Juffin's side and I have no idea.  Because I'm asleep and sleep is everything.  I just don't want the kicky feet and the sweaty head crush.  Because... say it with me, SLEEP IS EVERYTHING!

I'm already in mourning for when my boy inevitably stops wanting to be close to me as our morning cuddles are so wonderful, Those little hands about my head and that breathy 'it's morning time Mummy' is so gorgeous my poor ol heart can barely take it!  I just wish he would stay still and lay in the correct posish.  I get up to pee and he goes all horizontal and eagle like. I just wanted five more minutes because SLEEP IS EVERYTHING!

13 Dec 2015

Triumphant Return

I had this whole thing in my mind about my first post back being about how time just flies by and all that rubbish but honestly, who wants to hear it? The facts are, I am, and always have been, a useless, procrastinating, unmotivated individual.  The proof of this lies in the following unrelenting truths

  • I am yet to finish my certificate IV
  • I hate doing housework and will wait until it becomes mission critical that I wash clothes (let alone fold and put away)  
  • I never make my bed
  • I am still overweight despite yearly attempts since the age of 12 to shed my fatness
  • I haven't blogged in over a year 
  • I am having a baby in 18 weeks and have nowhere to store the mountain of baby clothes that I have
  • I've been sick all week and instead of doing anything, I have watched 2 seasons of Hart of Dixie
  • I'm sitting here blogging instead of doing any number of the above activities that need seeing to... 
I wonder if I'm just addicted to that feeling of idleness followed by frantic activity?  Signs point to yes. 

Anyway, I'm back.  Mostly to document the impending arrival of Baby Beet and share in the hilarity that is life with a three year old.