29 Jun 2016


The other day, my friend Ash and I were at the park with our kids, watching other Mum's workout whilst we ate chocolate muffins, and an elderly lady came up to have a chinwag.  She was gushing over Molly, who Ash was holding, and asking lots of different questions, how old, what's her name, what a lovely old fashioned name, isn't she beautiful blah blah blah.

Obviously she was a little confused as she was directing the questions at Ashley but I was answering.  She then dropped this little bomb.

"Are you the Grandma then?"

I'm sorry what?! 

"The grandma, you must be grandma."


I laughed as I slowly died inside.

"No, I'm Molly's mother."

"Oh," she goes, "well who's she then," indicating to Ash, "the aunty?"

I said "No, she's just my friend."

She was looking back and forth, back and forth, like she didn't really understand.

"I'm sorry," I said, "I'm the Mum and this is my friend, and we're just hanging out at the park with our kids."

"Oh well," she goes, "She's just beautiful." And then walks away.

WTF old lady!

Do I look like a fucking grandma to you?!

I think I need to invest in some serious skincare my friends because damn, that was COLD yo!!

I got BURNT!

Please tell me I don't look like a grandma?!

22 Jun 2016

Hide and Seek

My son is both adorable and awful equally at the same time.

On Friday last week we were playing hide and seek. He loves hide and seek. Who doesn't love hide and seek? I love the look on his face when he's been searching for me for ages and he's starting to get a bit panicky and I jump out and scare the crap out of him. Mummy moment.

Anyway we were playing for ages but we'd run out of good spots so it was getting a bit boring, when I heard Molly wake up. I told him to go and talk to her while I peed quickly. I go to the main bathroom and when I'm finished I walk into my room to find him pushing his NEWBORN sister UNDER MY BED.

He had taken her from the middle of my bed, CARRIED her BY HER SLEEVES, put her on the floor and then using two hands pushed her by the bum under the bed.

My heart nearly stopped.

Mushroom looked at my face and his face fell.

'Its alright Mummy. I was berry gentle, Molly's juss hiding'

I scooped up my daughter, who was perfectly fine, cooing and smiling, flapping her sleeves around and I took a deep breath.

I smiled/grimaced at my son.

'Please darling, don't pick Molly up, she's only very little and if you drop her you could really hurt her.'

'My know that Mummy! She juss wanted to play hiding and seek as well!!'

Dear Lord. Give me strength.

Butter wouldn't melt

And my phone camera has stopped working so I can only take selfies at the moment.  It's ridiculous. 

14 Jun 2016


Today I visited one of the large shopping centres and spent half an hour hanging out in the parent room.  As breastfeeding mother's are wont to do.

Anyway, as I was changing Molly's bum, I noticed this delightful sign on the wall.

Pharmaceutical companies have got a lot of freaking nerve man!  Way to prey on a woman's sensitivities arseholes!  Imagine a new mother, feeling frumpy, tired, dealing with a newborn and feeling a bit shit about her baby weight, and she looks up from changing her baby and see's that?!

If you can't read it, here's a close up with my gorgeous, indignant face.

Diet and Exercise not enough?  Take some drugs that'll mess with your heart!
I've blogged about post baby body image before and you can catch up here if you like.  Women, actually, men AND women, it's not limited to sex, they don't need to see this stuff.


This may come as a surprise but guess what?!  People who are fat, know that they are fat!!  They know!!  They have to get up and see their fatness every damn day!  So seeing ads like this around, doesn't actually help anyone.  Fat people know what their options are, and if they don't, THEY'LL SPEAK TO THEIR DOCTOR, because that's what people do when they have a health issue, or google, but you get my drift.  They definitely don't need an ad on a bathroom wall to prompt them to do it. Or, if your Doctor is on the ball, they will say, hey, you're too fat, let's do something about it!!

My point is that, in this case, mother's struggling with wriggling baby's at the change station under the unflattering lighting of a large shopping centre do not need to see these ads, AND, as a fatty and a new mother I'm annoyed because this stupid ad is just another reason for me to feel shit about myself.  For all women to feel shit about themselves.

So thanks for that inova.

Thanks for ruining an otherwise lovely day.

You dicks.

13 Jun 2016


Today dawned as a rainy day.

I had an early victory because as we were drifting off to sleep last night I was sure that I smelt rain and I told the Juffin to bring his work clothes in off the line. Of course he refused, so I got an 'I told you so' in before 7am.  I rule. 

My good feeling vibes quickly disappeared when I realised that a rainy day, whilst most welcome because it's a dry and dusty dirt bowl around here, is actually a stay at home parent's worst nightmare. 


I'm not even kidding. 

I nearly had a mini panic attack.

Monday's are shitful as it is.  Since having Molly the Mushroom, who has been swimming since he was 3 months old, has turned into a complete nightmare during lessons and clings to the side of the pool crying hysterically for 35 minutes.  After several weeks of this bullshiz, I decided to call in sick today as honestly, I just can't deal with that and rain and a newborn. 

So here we are, Stuck inside.  All day.  
Torment level - Expert

This morning I have already had to deal with not wanting to take his 'sleeping jockies' off, waking up his sister, squashing his sisters face because she wasn't looking at him, the sneaky consumption of two bananas because he couldn't wait for five minutes for me to finish breastfeeding, and, my favourite activity, watching a 3.5 year old poo because 'you have to watch me Mummy, did you hear the poo Mummy?  Are you ACTUALLY WATCHING ME MUMMY?'

These are just snippets.  There's also the constant jibber jabber of nonsensical rubbish and the clinging to my arms and legs and then there's his face in my butt.  

Look Mummy!  
Yes, you read that correctly, he sticks his face in my butt. Gross.  

I wonder what this will look like at
the end of the day?! 
In hindsight, calling in sick to swimming was probably a stupid idea, but I'm sick of sitting there stiff as a board with a fake smile pasted on my face whilst the Mushroom screams and cries hysterically disrupting the whole class and setting my already frayed nerves on edge.  At least swimming would have tired him out. 

We're now in his room playing trains whilst I 'work' on the computer.  

I know, I'm a bad mother.  

I am attempting to keep the TV off until at least 1pm but let's face it, it's not looking good. I'm still in my nightie.  Is it too early for wine?  

6 Jun 2016


I've had a shitty few days.  Ok make that weeks.

Just to recap:

Recovering from major abdominal surgery
Mushroom turned into a lunatic
Noticed abnormal, tender, swelling in belly
Packed house
Molly had her needles
Doctor's visit
Moved house
Doctor's visit
Told I have to have surgery again
Mum and Dad left
Bleeding on and off for weeks
Financial woes


Turned 35.


I have spent the better part of the last week in emotional hell.  I have shed tears every day.  Including my birthday.  But that was because my son smashed me in the head with a stainless steel drink bottle as I wrestled him into his car seat.

I literally have nothing else to give.

Turns out that I have a large hernia following my c-section.  No I wasn't lifting things.  No I wasn't over-doing it. My Doctor seems to think that as I had keyhole surgery just prior to falling pregnant that this may not have healed correctly and this caused the hernia. Regardless of the cause, it needs to be fucking fixed, which means more fucking surgery.


Due to me not working and currently on maternity leave, the irony is that we have health insurance that we can't afford to use as I can't pay the out of pockets that Doctor's will inevitably charge.  We also have an excess. After moving, we're fucking broke, and struggling to get back on top of everything.  So now I'm on a waiting list.

Of all the other shit going on, the thing that upsets me the most is that Mushroom has gone completely nuts (see above birth of sister, moving house, grandparents moving away).  He is acting out.


His latest thing is trying to pull his sister's head off her shoulders or attempting to detach one of her legs.  He melts down at every little thing and refuses to co-operate or give in.


I spend my days alternating between wanting to kill him and yelling my head off, to wanting to cuddle him and tell him I love him as clearly he's finding it all a bit much.  I don't blame him, I feel like crawling into bed for a week.

I know that my son is three and this is all usual three year old behaviour magnified by recent events.  But, FUCK, it's tough.

So the new house is a shambles.  There is literally crap everywhere.  I haven't been grocery shopping in weeks and I just don't care if we eat stale bread and floury apples for all eternity.

Ok, that's not true, I love food and hate floury apples, but honestly folks, I've tried to remain positive and upbeat, but after the few weeks I've had, I'm over it.  Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

Can I just chuck it all out?!