30 Dec 2013

How do you know...

How do you know that you're a bad mother?  Oh let me count the ways!

You give your child rice crackers
Apparently rice crackers are like, super bad for you.  They are a mega carb or some such nonsense and ANY form of rice snack/cracker/cake whatever, is the equivalent of eating a whole bowl of rice.  With lard.  Topped with sugar.  For reals.  It was totes on the internet so it must be true.  I give Mushroom rice crackers every damn day.  I thought it was better than giving him potato chips or sugar laden biscuits.  Apparently I am mistaken.  FAIL.  

Your ultimate fantasy involves a night in a hotel room. With takeaway food and a bottle of wine/vodka.  Alone.  Or Jake Gyllenhaal, actually probs not.  That means I'd have to wax.  I am not one of these mother's who cannot leave their child for a few hours, without tearing up or thinking about them constantly.  I mean I work, so I leave my son for six hours a day, four days a week.  I have super cute photo's of him on my desk and I do think about him.  I would kill to be a stay at home Mum, but, honestly, some days I cannot wait to get away from him.  Some days when I hit that highway I just want to keep on going.  Some days I wish I was single and I could eat popcorn for dinner.  Clearly that is a motherhood FAIL.

Your vocabulary mostly consists of the word NO and "What did Mummy say?"
Sometimes at the end of the day I get into bed and I realise that all I said to my son that day was varying forms of the negative: no, stop that, ahhhh don't touch etc.  You're not supposed to say no anymore.  It makes your child crazy or stupid or emotionally challenged or mentally underdeveloped or colours their spiritual aura.  I don't know, I can't remember specifics but it's bad.  And I do it all the time.  Sometimes I even say fuck in front of him.  Not to him, but in front of him.  Ok, most days I say fuck.  Fuck, that IS really, REALLY BAD!  FAIL.

You use string to babyproof
Little people who are extremely mobile can also be extremely dangerous.  To themselves.  And to anything that is at their eye level or within their reach.  This means no drawer, cupboard, table, sliding door, blind, shelf, switch, plug or ledge is safe.  Pretty much your whole house is a death trap.  As we're totally crap, we have used string to secure our cupboards and drawers.  That and closing doors to death trap rooms, like the toilet and the bathroom.  Closing doors isn't a fail, the use of good ol' string is though.  FAIL.

ABC Kids is your favourite TV channel
Sometimes your child will treat you as their own personal stripper pole.  This can be annoying.  They also like to grunt and make 'EEEEEHHHHHH' noises whilst trying to climb your legs, pull your pants down or generally make you stop what you're doing and pay immediate attention to their ever increasing need.  Sometimes their need coincides with cooking a meal and juggling hot things in the kitchen or going to the toilet. Kitchen stuff I can sometimes leave, bathroom stuff, no way.  So that's where ABC kids comes in.  If it weren't for Giggle and Hoot, Peppa Pig, Sesame Street and In the Night Garden I would be a starving woman with poo stains in her pants.  Skinny would be good, poo stains not so much. According to a gazillion medical and scientific studies any television/screen time before 3 years old is bad news.  FAIL.

Your child wakes crying in the night and you pretend to keep sleeping so your partner will get up
Self explanatory really.  Sometimes I'm really just too tired and I fear if I go into the Mushroom's room I might yell at him and tell him to go the F back to sleep. Even though I don't do this, I think it, so that makes another big fat FAIL.

You consider re-wrapping toys that your child already has and pretending they are new for Christmas presents.  
I mean, am I right?  Does he even know what's in the bottom of those toy buckets?  I bet he doesn't.  When I suggested this to my partner he looked at me aghast.  I guess it was a bad idea.  FAIL.

Arsenic hour exit strategy's are your forte
You advise your beloved that you're out of 'insert crucial dinner ingredient here' and have to run up to the shops.  You shut the door on a child about to climb the walls with hunger and tiredness and head up to the shops only to spend half an hour chatting to your sister on the phone in the carpark as it's the only chance you get to have an uninterrupted conversation.  FAIL.

I have given my child chicken nuggets 
Nuff said really.  Do you even know what's in a chicken nugget?  I have a vague idea and none of it is nice or wholesome, or remotely good for you.  I'm out of excuses.  EPIC FAIL.

There are more.  But I don't want to tell you about them for fear of vindication and ridicule from the masses of perfect parents out there. Yes, my tongue was firmly in my cheek when I just wrote that. Feel free to comment below.  Judgement free zone.

Even the Mushroom thinks I'm a bad mother!
Yes, I did take a photo of my son whilst he was having a meltdown at bedtime.  I TOLD you I was a terrible Mother!

22 Dec 2013

The Grinch

Yesterday I turned into the Grinch.  Big time.

As we've discussed before, I'm not the best shopper.  Soul sucking comes to mind.  This is only worsened by the fact that Juffin is the world's most ridiculous shopping partner.  So my whinge this year, on top of my general 'I hate shopping' rant is 'I hate shopping with the Juffin' rant.  I HATE it.

At one point I nearly took off my beautiful engagement ring and threw it at him.

The 'end of our relationship' hate.

Think Sauron in the Lord of the Rings hate.

That's how much I hate shopping with the most indecisive, unapologetic, frustrating human being on the face of the planet.

Things are only exacerbated by the fact that our little Christmas savings account has been raided several times over the year leaving us with not much in the way of dollars to pay for things.

I'm being naughty and doing gift vouchers for my nearest and dearest but only because they're all going to be in Brisbane this year and my bro is taking the presents down for me and has limited space.  I also didn't want to pay for postage.  I know, I'm an awful, awful person.

My niece however, deserves a present she can unwrap and hold (not that the rest of family don't but she's 4 so it's more exciting for her.  Ok, that's not very fair on the rest of my family but I'm sorry guys, you know I love you!) So I was in one of the department stores, you know the one, with the giant red circles, there are people jostling everyone, kids screaming, sticky unknown items clinging to the bottom of my shoes.  I am pushing my angelic, sleeping child down the too narrow toy aisles, trying to remember what my sister told me was the 'must have item' this year.  I was failing.  I turn to ask for support from Juffin and lo and behold he's nowhere to be found.  I'm faced with an aged lady clutching a fluorescent pink my little pony who's trying to squeeze past my sizable arse and my huge pram.  "Sorry, excuse me," she says as she pushes past in one direction, I turn and try to lift the back wheels of the pram closer to the shelf as a kid coming from the other direction pushes past, "S'cuse me!" he bellows.  I'm about to have a coronary.  If all these arsehats wake up my child there will be blood in the aisles.

I take a deep breath and call the sister.  Ahhh, Lalaloopsy.  Of course.  Idiot Jess.  She chastises me for leaving my shopping until the last few days but I know that she was doing hers two days ago so whatever.  I manage to locate the dolls and marvel at their giant heads.  Why must dolls have giant heads?  I know that Barbie is nowhere near anatomically correct but even her head is on the largish side.  So weird.  After contemplating this for a moment, I pick two and then force my way out of toy aisle hell in search of the missing Juffin.   It will be a surprise to no-one that he's looking at Lego.  Star Wars Lego to be specific.  My 33 year old fiance is looking at Star Wars Lego.  Oh dear.  I berate him for going missing then ask him why he is looking at Lego that our son will not be able to play with or be interested in for at least 5 years (crossing fingers for never here but with a super nerd for a Dad the likelihood is high).  He tries to tell me that he's looking for Mushroom and that it's a good investment.  Wow.  Lego as an investment.  Now I've heard it all.

That was just the beginning.  Everything out of his mouth after that grates on my every nerve.  I get a mumbled 'I dunno' after every question.  I ask if he's hungry, 'I dunno', I ask if he wants to go anywhere else 'I dunno', are you an alien from Mars 'I dunno'.  We go to change the Mushroom's nappy and he just stands there while I go to the toilet.  Doesn't think to start changing him without me, that would be helpful and appreciated.  I am gritting my teeth so hard that my jaw is starting to hurt.  It's only been 90 minutes and I am ready to run away and leave this man forever.  FOR EVER!

Generally I can deal with Juffin's laid back attitude.  It balances out my ridiculously highly strung nature but shopping just does something to me.  It's the putrid combination of crowds, fluorescent lighting and ugly clothes.  It makes me nuts.  Add a shoestring budget, limited present options due to postage and weight, time constraints, and limited input from a mute partner and I turn into a psycho hose beast.  And I think the thing that makes it all the more worse is that it's all my own fault.  I have no-one to blame as I just couldn't get my shit together this year.  At least last year I had the newborn excuse, this year I got nothing!  I couldn't even be bothered posting on this blog, let alone being organised for Christmas. At the toy sales in July, why wasn't I there with all the other nutso Mum's rushing in and laybying my little heart out?  What's wrong with me?

It's not the end of the world.  Hilariously, now that I've hashed it all out on the keyboard, I do feel a little better.  I'm not going to leave him, despite my fervent desire to do so, it would just do me good to remember that I don't shop well with others.  Even my chosen life partner.  We'll sort our shit out and Christmas will not be a total disaster but, honestly, can I just get it the F together next year so I don't have to cry?  Third times a charm right?

Santa Juffin
The only thing that made me laugh today was turning Juffin into Santa.

That and my son turning the stereo off every 2 seconds for nearly the entire Drapht album.  Juffin was actually getting cranky.  I did nothing to stop it.

19 Dec 2013

Jess and Juffin: A lame story (I can't call it a love story cos that would be lame!)

On Sunday 17th November my boyfriend of almost 6 years proposed to me.

I cried like a baby.  A very large baby who'd only been waiting for that damn proposal for about 20 years....

Obviously didn't know Juffin 20 years ago but I remember reading my favourite book when I was a kid and thinking I can't wait until I meet my beau, my love, my Gilbert Blythe.  He was so dreamy, and perfect, and the whole thing was so romantic and desperate because she thought she didn't love him, but she obviously did, and finally realising that... ahhh, Anne of Green Gables.  My favourite book of all time.  Anyway, since reading Gilbert's proposal to Anne for the first time, all those years ago, I have been secretly waiting for my proposal.

And waiting.

And waiting.

I didn't have much luck in the love department.  In high school I think the boys thought I was a bit weird.  I'm also pretty loud and was chubby compared to my friends (I wish I was the same sort of chubby now!!) but for whatever reason, it just didn't really happen.  There were plenty of boys that I had a crush on, but no-one seemed to crush right back at me.  Hilariously, I went out with Juffin on a date in high school.  Yes, we went to high school together.  Ridiculous.  I think I was 16.  I do know that we went to see the Ghost and the Darkness which should have been the perfect date movie but I just felt annoyed that he'd bought maltesers (I don't like maltesers) and my hand got so sweaty cos he kept holding it.  The movie wasn't that scary.  We walked home and chatted afterwards but I think I got a little freaked out by how intense he was.  It felt like he was looking into my soul with his blue, blue eyes.  We kissed and then I went home thinking I'm so not ready for a boyfriend.  That was my one and only high school date.  To the man that I am now going to marry.  Is that the definition of ironic or is that something else?

University was a little different, however, I got my heart broken early on and that ruined me for years.  I'm not exaggerating.  He ripped my heart out.  I was devastated.  For a few short months, I realised that I wasn't that fat, or weird, I just hadn't met the right boy yet.  And then he left.  And that was it.  So began years of club hopping, bed hopping and lots of blurry faceless boys.  I'm not ashamed.  I regret nothing.  I had the time of my life but somewhere, deep down inside, being drowned by litres of vodka and bourbon, was my little dream.  The dream of finding my other half, the one.  Despite having my heartbroken, I still just wanted someone to love me as much as Gilbert loved Anne.  Or, more realistically, the love between my beautiful parents.  To find someone to love who loved me back, just like my parents, that was my little dream.  This year my parents celebrated 35 years of marriage.  35 years.  That's a big deal these days.  

At 27, after seeing the same boy for years and it going nowhere, I said for the billionth time that I was not going to call him again.  I was out, again, and this time I was definitely thinking that I would stick to my guns.  I'd gone out for a work thing and was hanging around outside this bar and I remember seeing him and thinking, 'Shit, that's Juffin!' Now sometimes when you see people from high school, they pretend they don't know you and walk on by, or they just don't see you.  So I was standing there thinking is he going to say hello?  Will I say hello if he doesn't say hello?  He's pretty cute.  And tall.  And cute.  Oh god, he's looking at me, he recognises me, he's smiling, HOORAY! 

10 years of living in the same town and we'd run into each other once before that night.  Destiny?

I remember him putting my number in his phone and believing absolutely that I wouldn't hear from him.

We've been together for 6 years next week.

After harping on about for about 5 years and 11 months, it finally happened.  We got engaged.  We went out to an Italian restaurant for dinner. Juffin seemed pretty nervous, and was wearing his best shirt, so I knew something was up. He also told me to wear a dress.... like he ever cares what I wear! All throughout dinner he kept asking me if I was enjoying the meal, that I looked beautiful, telling me that he loved me... it was not normal behaviour.  At that point I thought, far out, it's finally going to happen!  O.  M.  G!!  I was so nervous about it I almost dropped the aracini ball on my lap.

About halfway through our dinner and it started raining, really hard, and Juffin did not look happy about it.  He was searching the sky, staring moodily at the clouds, it was odd.  It hadn't rained for months and he generally gets pretty excited about it. I knew in that moment that he was maybe going to do it, but the rain had put a spanner in his works so maybe he wouldn't do it after all.  I tried not to think about it and instead, stuffed delicious boscaiola into my mouth.  Even if he didn't do it, the food was amazing and I wasn't wasting this night out!  More wine waiter please!

By some fluke, we managed to score a free nutella dessert pizza but after all that Italiano goodness, I was seriously struggling to move.  The rain had well and truly set in and we were alone, dining al fresco, people watching and laughing.  It was lovely.  We finished what we could of our dessert and Juffin got up to pay the bill, still no ring, so I thought, oh well, it’s definitely not happening, totally misread that situation, geez!  

Another five minutes went by, we ate a lot of Italian food, and I said enough's enough, go and get the bloody car so I don’t get wet walking over there. He just laughed and said, yeah yeah yeah, fobbing me off.  Just then the tent we were sitting under started buckling under the weight of built up rainwater and I shrieked, I gotta get out of here and I jumped up out of my seat, thinking that a mountain of water was about to bucket down on my head.

As I was jumping up Juffin grabbed my hands and said 'Wait' and went to kneel down but it was wet so he was sort of hovering above the ground and not quite kneeling and he looked up at me with those big blue eyes and I just lost it.  I started crying.  Juffin said "I love you so much.  I can't imagine being with anyone else but you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you" and I was just standing there blubbering everywhere but laughing as well.  :"You're everything to me, will you marry me?" he said, then gave me a little black box. I could barely see I was crying so much but when I opened it and saw the beautiful ring, I couldn't believe it.  Over and over again I kept saying 'oh my god, oh my god, it's so beautiful' tears streaming down my face.

Juffin stood and kissed me and said "Does that mean you said yes?"

We were both laughing and I said "Yes, of course yes!"  Then he put that beautiful, shiny, unique ring on my finger and I just about exploded with happiness.

No big display, no rose petals, no declarations of love shouted from mountaintops, no champagne. Just Juffin and his beautiful, heartfelt, nervous words of love.

I will never forget it.

My Engagement Ring - Alexandrite with two diamonds 

My face says it all really!

First Birthday

On the 22 October the Mushroom turned One.

It was exciting.  And sad, all at the same time.  He wasn't quite walking but taking steps.  Not sleeping through, but almost.  Gurgling lots, eating lots, being cute 99.9% of the time.  Here are some photo's from the day.

And yes, the cake.  I made it all myself.  Fondant and everything.  I am crazy and will never do that again.  I was a bit sad that some of the fondant melted down a little but in 30c heat, that's expected!

Breakfast as a 1 year old!  

What is that?!  

Actual Birthday Birthday Cake - Banana shaped Banana Cake!  

Big present - Trike!  What a cool rider!  

Taking some steps

The Mushroom Cake for the big party 

Our little Fam

If you squint it looks so cool!  

One whole year, where did it go?  I'm almost crazy enough to think it's time to try for another....


The title says it all really.  Bloody pathetic.  And you know what’s even more embarrassing?  When you say that you’re going to post at least three times a week and two months later you recover from the embarrassment of not posting for weeks and realize that you’ve maybe posted three times TOTAL since making that statement.  Now that is embarrassing.      
There were a few things happening, but, honestly, none of them were that pressing that I just couldn’t sit down and post.  It all just seemed too hard.  And when you’re a Mum, things seem too hard, a lot of the time.  And I don’t even work full time. 

First things first, the MUSHROOM TURNED ONE!  YAY! 

He walked.  DOUBLE YAY!


Some other things happened; Mushroom started sleeping through, we finally dropped down to three breastfeeds a day, Mushroom and I travelled over the ditch to visit the whanau in New Zealand, Mushroom stopped sleeping through, I made lots of cupcakes, Juffin reached new levels of stinkiness in the fart department, we welcomed a PS4 into our plethora of gaming consoles and techno gadgetry, and I got addicted to Breaking Bad.  

At present we're humming along nicely getting ready for Christmas.  Or not ready for Christmas.  I haven't done any shopping, our money was spent on my trip and Juffin's car (don't even get me started) so we're on a shoestring for Christmas once again.  I can't complain though because I really am grateful for all we have.  

I am going to do some catch up posting.  I promise.  There will be a walking post, an engagement post (because everyone wants to hear that story!) a birthday party post (only because I'm so proud of my first birthday cake attempt!) and I wish I could do a smellovision post so you could endure the rotten, stinky, abomination that is my fiance's flatulence.  

Today's obligatory selfie (1 of 5000)