27 Nov 2017

Frustrated

I just spent 45 minutes crying over my phone because my body is fucking stupid and can't get it's shit together.

On Thursday last week I opened a letter from the Townsville Hospital saying that I have been assessed and placed on a Category 3 Wait List. 

For an appointment. 

Within 365 days.

That's a fucking year.

If I'm then seen for my appointment and they deem, again, that I'm still a category 3, then I will go on a surgery waiting list, and be seen for surgery, within 365 days. 

Another year. 

I could literally be waiting for two years to have this stupid cyst removed, in which time I will suffer ridiculously painful periods, bloating, random painful attacks and increased emotional stress because my body is shit and there's nothing I can do about it.

Best case scenario at this point is that it will probably burst and I'll have to have emergency surgery.  Which is always heaps of fun. 

I had this grand plan.  I thought I could go and see a Doctor in Brisbane and have the treatment privately but after doing some pretty thorough research, it looks like none of the Doctors in Brisbane participate in health fund schemes either so I'm literally screwed.  I may as well stay here and pay the exorbitant fees because at least I'm supporting the local economy right?

Right?

I'm so upset and disappointed with myself.  Disappointed with my useless fat body. 

I feel like this could have somehow been avoided, like this is my fault.  That I've brought this on myself for being fat and lazy and it's caused my stupid girl organs to malfunction or something.

Like I'm being punished for 18 years of laziness and poor food choices. 

Does being fat make you more susceptible to ovarian cysts?

Does being fat make your periods painful and awful and heavy?  So much so that your iron is so low and you're exhausted most of the time? 

Is it because I smoked cigarettes for years?

Is it because I binge drank anything and everything all throughout my twenties?

Is it because I lied to my parents when I was a teenager?

Is it because I have an unhealthy addiction to the popcorn?

Juffin has just said that we'll get a loan to cover the gap fees for the procedure and I'll just do it in the new year.  We just don't have a few thousand dollars for emergencies.  We just don't have a few thousand dollars.  This is our reality.

In the meantime, I'll just try not to wallow and dwell on how shit my stupid body is. 



25 Nov 2017

Weekly Wrap 24/11

Aloha!  It's Friday!  And some douche canoe pointed out that there's only four Friday's until Christmas... FOUR!  Good lord.  Praise be to the toy catalogue. 

This week we've had to deal with sickness, hair knots, tantrums, defiant behaviour and manic mango consumption.

I wanted to stay in bed too buddy
I had to have Monday off work.  Mushroom started with the temperatures on Saturday and continued to go downhill.  By Monday he was burning up with more regularity and on his second day of no eating.  He'd been complaining of a sore throat and sounded like crap so I thought he'd best go to the Dr considering his Dad had tonsillitis the week before.  Honestly, the drama.  I had to wake him up to take his sister to daycare and fark me. You'd think I'd told him all his Lego was lost in a tragic, freak gasoline fight accident.

Lordy.

The Doctor cleared him of infectious disease but recommended rest and fluid so we spent a pretty quiet day sleeping, playing Lego and watching terrible Christmas movies. It was actually nice to spend some one on one time with him. It's pretty rare these days.  I'm going to miss my boy when he goes to school next year! 

I spent most of Sunday trying to wrangle with Octopus Molly who had managed to twist her hair into the mother of all knots. 

And I mean mother.

Sadly I didn't take a pic of the knot beforehand but I did take one of a similar knot a week earlier.  She's a twirler you see...

And this is what we were left with.  I should have just cut that fucker out.  I used argan oil and distracted her with the movie Tangled, appropriate I thought, to try and remove it but in the end it was just too bad.  Luckily you can't seem to tell that there's a whole chunk of hair missing on the right side of her head.  What a dingus.

Our bucket of mangoes finally gave up the goods and every day I've been privy to constant requests for mango, mango, mango, mango Mummy!  The little one stands at the fridge and screams for MANGO.  I love the mango too but these kids.   Holy! 

It's one of the only things that Mushroom would eat earlier in the week, aside from bananas, so I let him go a bit nuts. 

Mango is better than nothing at all right? 

And at least he can poo in the toilet and I don't have to wipe his arse! 

We had Molly up on Tuesday night screaming at 1am and when I raced in there she had spewed in her bed. 

Mango and yoghurt spew.

Lovely. 

I could smell it from the hallway.  I then spent a good half hour changing sheets and cleaning up whilst Juffin fed her some paracetamol and gave her a drink. 

She was quite clever and sat up so didn't spew on herself but there's something about vomit.  It's cloying.  I've said it before but give me shit over vomit any damn day.

She managed to go back to bed just fine after that and I have to admit I was panicking a little at having to go back to the bloody Doctor with a different sick child and miss more work but Wednesday morning she was fine. 

The rest of the week passed by in a bit of a blur.  My good eating habits have continued and I've stayed on track however my exercise has not happened.  I have excuses, but none of them are good, so I won't bother.  Tomorrow is another day!  I am missing pasta but I'm not finding it too hard to stick with my meal plan so I know that I'm in the right head space.  Fingers crossed I can keep it up!

This morning Molly smashed a bottle of tamari sauce after pulling a box of shapes out of the cupboard.  I'd actually told the two of them to get out of the cupboard four times before said incident but as per usual it fell on deaf ears.  Whilst I was cleaning that shit up, she managed to remove every single wipe from the packet and threw them all over the lounge room. 

This was all before 8.15am and immediately followed me pouring my coffee. 

It was cold by the time I finished. 

Mum life am I right? 

17 Nov 2017

Weekly Wrap 17/11

And just like that, it's Friday again.

This week I decided enough was enough and started eating well, exercising and tracking my food. I kept saying that I would start again in the new year, but why?  What's wrong with now?  I could continue to complain about being time poor, tired, and grumpy but there's no point unless I do something about it.

So I did.

It's only been 5 days, but I'm keeping myself honest and accountable.  It's a step in the right direction.

See what I did there?

It should also be recorded that tonight we had homemade pumpkin soup and I didn't eat any bread. That's right.  No bread.  I deserve a fucking medal.  Obviously I've lost 35kg already...

Mushroom and I continue to butt heads as whilst I wouldn't say he is a badly behaved child, I'm struggling to keep my temper when I have to repeat myself 17000 times. And I know that yelling doesn't solve anything but it actually feels like the only time he'll listen!

We had a little chat this afternoon and I apologised for being cranky and yelling and he apologised for not listening, but let's be honest, it'll stay in his brain for 2 seconds and he'll be back to ignoring me again.  I think it's more about not wanting to do what I'm asking him and being totally distracted by everything around him... like his father.  I did tell him that life is mostly just doing things that you don't want to do and he looked at me with his cute little face and said I don't wanna do that life.  I may have been shook.... What is it about 5 years old being so profound?

And yes I just said shook.  Total trendite.

Telling me that I'm wrong... again!
He's also an insufferable know it all which drives me absolutely bonkers.  I have this disorder where I can't just let people be wrong and feel that I have to correct them (sorry Tara!) but Mushroom literally yells at me and argues his totally incorrect point.  I could let it go but clearly I'm right and he's wrong and that will never ever happen in this universe.  I mean honestly, pick your battles Jess, but I just can't seem to let the little turd have the last word.

Obviously we both need to do some work in these areas but he needs to start paying attention and listening so he can set a better example for his sister as she's always copying him.... Speaking of Molly, let's talk about her for a second because at present it's like this:

"OH MY GOD Molly!  WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

Molly has morphed into total toddler terror!!  Mushroom was bad, but I'm pretty sure Molly has him trumped. I don't remember him being this turd-like.  The Santa parade was at Willows yesterday and I just couldn't bring myself to take the kids because trying to deal with her in those crowds was just too much for this Mama to handle!

Her latest MO is getting all the tea towels out of the drawer and draping them over things saying "BANKET" (blanket).  Apparently the coffee table, step stool, and a half eaten apple need a blanket.   I didn't even know that owned that many tea towels!

I have given up tidying after her as she's a bloody tornado.  There are tea towels everywhere.  And lego.  She loves Mushroom's lego, especially the little lego men. She likes taking their hats/helmets/hair off and putting them back on.  Cute but standing on a tiny lego space helmet is not fucking cute, let me tell you.

"Mushroom, can you please pick up all this lego?"
"It wasn't me, it was Molly!"
"I know, but I asked you to do it..." and then I whisper to myself, "as if she's going to clean it up FFS!"
Who could stay mad
at that face? 

Molly has also taken to throwing food all over the floor.  Every. Single. Meal.  We eat outside on the patio alot now because at least the birds will come and clean that up.  I can't even deal.  I find bits of food EVERYWHERE.

"Please stop doing that Molly, please don't throw food on the floor. Food is for eating, if you don't want it, please put it on your plate.  Please Molly, PUHLEASE!"

And then she takes my request, processes it, looks at my face, takes her food, swings her tiny arm and throws that shit on the fucking floor. And then she laughs in my face.

BISH!!!!

She finds Max's markers and draws on the floor, our bed, the chairs, the bloody WALLS (they're washable but so not the fucking point)!
Bedroom carpet - defaced

"Molly, floors are not for drawing.  Walls are not for drawing.  Mummy and Daddy's bed is not for drawing. What do we draw on?"

"Pwaper"

Continues to scribble on pantry cupboard door.

*throws hands in the air*

All she wants to eat at present is cake, strawberries or mango.  I mean, I hear you sista girl, all those things are super delish, but in no way is that a balanced diet.  Of course when I say no she throws herself on the floor and body cries.  You know, the type of crying where your whole body shakes because your life is over.  Because your Mum wouldn't let you eat the second punnet of strawberries that cost her $4.50. I wish I had her problems...

Other news this week, I ordered matching cheesy Christmas outfits for the children, some douche threw a chocolate milk out of the window of his car and it went all over mine, I started researching the possibility of having surgery in Brisbane, Veronica Mars started streaming on Stan today, I finally did the floors but Kmart's mop bucket is total shite, and I have my work Christmas party tomorrow night!  Yeow!

Oh and today marks our 4 year engagement anniversary!  Maybe we'll get married soon!  Can't rush these things....

11 Nov 2017

Weekly Wrap 11/11

As an incentive to try and blog more often, I thought I'd start doing a weekly wrap-up.

I know you're all laughing as my posts are sporadic at best but c'mon, humour me please!  A girl can try.

First, my kids continue to amaze and infuriate me in equal measure.

Mushroom is currently obsessed with his penis and gets it out whenever the mood strikes him.

Which is frequent.

He has just been given a pair of boyleg fancy jocks that have the 'pocket' and he now pokes his penis out of said pocket and waves it in mine and Molly's faces. We are unimpressed. I don't know how many times a week I yell "Please stop playing with your doodle/penis in the (insert common living area name here). If you want to play with it, please go to your room!"

My neighbours love me.

On Tuesday evening he managed to lock us out of the house and I had to turn the gas off at the wall and wait for Juffin to get home and break in. I was a bad mother and called him an idiot.  I apologised afterwards but shit, I was frickin mad!  I still feel bad.  Hashtag Mum Guilt.

Classy cup ladies
Tuesday was a bit of a crappy day with GP visit. oppressive heat and manic children.  Hence my crankiness at Mushroom for locking us out.  I also repeatedly tell both my children to stop playing with doors and they never fucking listen.  So, you know, yelling "I told you to stop playing with that damn door and now we're locked outside, idiot" was bound to happen.

It wasn't a totally shitty day, I spent the afternoon with my lovely GF watching the Cup and eating yummy food.  It was good but next time we think we'll ditch the bloody kids and go somewhere air conditioned where we don't have to cook OR clean up... Too much noise and not enough bubbles!

Mushroom graduated from Kindergarten in the most ridiculous and amazing graduation ceremony ever.  I know that my parents generation think it's absurd, as do I, but fuck it's funny and the kids looked adorable in their tiny hats.  Cute!!

Molly has had yellow snot pouring from her nose all week and now looks like she's been on a 5 day coke bender.  She's scabby, and grumpy and honestly, I feel like the terrible two's have already arrived and I don't know if I can live through this shit again!  She is already throwing herself on the floor and yells "NO WAY" whenever I ask her a question or offer her a food she doesn't like.  Which is anything that isn't cake. She's already dictating to me what she will and won't wear ("NO WAY") and says things like "Mummy farty" and runs away.

If you don't laugh you'll cry.

I attempted to braid her hair for the first time yesterday and I described it on facebook as 'trying to wrestle an octopus with fluff for tentacles'.  Her hair fell out within in the hour because it really is, just fluff.

Juffin was recovering from tonsillitis and/or the flu aka I'm dying, please fawn over me endlessly.  I'm a bitch and not at all sympathetic so was mostly just annoyed that I had to do all the washing up as well as the cooking which is crap.  He seems to have recovered but one can never be too sure re relapse.

I made a particularly good batch of Zucchini Slice which lasted the entire week, rearranged my baking shelf and gave it a good wipe out, ordered groceries, finished my bookclub book, got a Strand walk in and a playdate and got the enrolment forms for Mushroom's OSHC sent off.  I also scored a fancy hair curler on Gumtree for $25 and have been spending lots of time in the bathroom damaging my already colour-damaged hair beyond repair.  Huzzah!

I have 4 loads of clean washing piled up in the lounge room ready to fold and my floors haven't been mopped in 10 days as my mop bucket died and I kept forgetting to buy another one.  I might have to do something about these things tomorrow...

AND today, whilst at bookclub, I noticed my first white eyebrow hair in the tea rooms bathroom. I guess the light in my bathroom is shitty and the mirror is too far away but there was, glaring back at me in all it's white shiny glory.

A white eyebrow hair.

I got home this afternoon and promptly took a selfie.

I guess this means that I have white pubes now too... Literally firs thing that popped into my mind after seeing it.

I'm not game to check!

Ps scuse my brows, waxing is low on my list of priorities at the moment!


7 Nov 2017

Update




Following up from today's GP appointment, I have another ovarian cyst.

It's formed on my favourite ovary (sarcasm) lefty loser.  This the same side that I've already had an ovarian cyst removed from in 2014.  At the time they managed to save my ovary but I'm kinda wishing they just took it now, however, I may not have had Molly so silver linings and all that jazz. 

I lost my left fallopian tube in an ectopic pregnancy the following year in 2015. So lefty loser is kinda just hanging out over there.  Like the loser it is. 

Due to my cyst being complex and nearly 40mm it's causing bullshit and needs to be removed.

Which means more surgery.

I may have had a little cry when I told Juffin because FFS enough already.

Obviously this is shithouse, however, I am grateful that I'm not pregnant.  That I don't have cancer.  That I live in a country where I have access to excellent medical advice and care. That I have been blessed with two beautiful albeit manic children, my partner is a bit great and my family are only a phonecall away.

I know that I'll get through this, like I do with everything else and whilst I'm happy and grateful for all those things, 2017 can still go and suck a big fat dick.

My budget headwear :-)

 Ps Max Dynamite came third so at least I won my $$ back in the Cup today.  Giddy up! 

6 Nov 2017

Shark Week

Disclaimer: If you don't like hearing about women's health issues, then please stop reading right now.  I mention words like vagina and bleeding in the same sentence below so if you're in any way squeamish, kindly piss off.

Last week I had to visit my GP because I had not had my period for two months.

Yes my friends, two months.

That is some scary ass shit.

I'm currently not on any form of contraception.  The mini pill makes me crazy, (I'm not joking, I literally turn into an even crazier, angrier, obnoxious arsehole and I cannot do that to myself or my family), and I'm still tossing up the mirena.  The last six months have not been fun for me and my poor broken body, so the thought of fooling around more just gives me the heebies.  I just wanted my body to have a break for a bit.  Obviously it didn't get the memo because I hadn't menstruated since the end of August.

Since late September I have done six pregnancy tests.  SIX.

When I had to take a day off work last Monday because I had the beginnings of a hormonal migraine and was so bloated and cramped and couldn't get out of bed properly, I thought finally it was on it's way, but alas, still no period by Tuesday morning. I decided it was time to face the music and made a Doctor's appointment.

After doing yet another pregnancy test at the surgery, my GP referred me for a blood test, just to be absolutely sure that I was not pregnant and in the event that my period had still not arrived, a pelvic ultrasound.  Remember this post here, where I waxed lyrical on my love of pelvic ultrasounds... needless to say, I was fucking thrilled.

At this stage I start freaking out that I am actually pregnant.  That seven pregnancy tests are all wrong and somehow, by some of cosmic joke, I've become pregnant and my life is literally over.  Of course I love my kids, but fuck me, I am so done.  Two is my absolute limit.  I have no room left in my heart, or my car, for more children.  And as I'm such a great birther (sarcasm) I'm not sure my body can handle any more drama in that department.

It's the longest 24 hours of my life.

When the GP finally calls to confirm that I am indeed, not pregnant, I almost weep for joy. She says she's never talked to someone who's so happy to NOT be pregnant and she laughs.  I cackle like the crazy person that I am and she tells me to make the ultrasound appointment.

The next day I get a call as they've had an appointment come up that day at 11. I head out, on a work day, to my appointment assuming I will be an hour tops.

Fun fact, your organs are mobile.  They do not just sit still inside your body.  Your uterus for example, moves around in your body.  Yes.  I know.  My mind was also blown.  It did help being told this whilst I had been laying on an uncomfortable trolley with no pants on whilst a woman has a probe in my vagina.  Yes, I have to have the transvaginal ultrasound because my uterus is being uncooperative and they can't get a clear picture of my endometrium.

Yes. You read that correctly, I had a woman, probe my vagina, for almost 30 minutes and Medicare covered it.  There is not enough wine in the world.

I am yet to hear the results of my ultrasound as my follow up GP appointment is tomorrow.

In true Jessica fashion however, my period arrived with a vengeance yesterday morning and I feel thoroughly disgusting.  My back is aching, I have a headache, and it's like a murder scene every time I go to the toilet.

This morning after changing my tampon every hour I gave up and went back to pads.

I know.  It's fucking gross.

And I'm not saying that periods are gross and being a woman is gross, it just feels messy and unpleasant and I haven't had my period for two whole months so it literally IS like a great white has attacked my nether regions and I feel nasty AF.  Why hasn't the human body evolved so women do not have to suffer through having blood come out of their vagina every month for 35+ years?  Like childbirth, it seems archaic and unnecessary!

Hopefully my visit goes well tomorrow... I will keep you posted!

Fake it till you make it!