26 Sep 2013

Just Because

So who asked you?

No really.  Who asked you?

Just because I have a child and I mentioned that I'm tired doesn't mean I need your advice re sleep training, crying it out, tough love.

Just because I'm still breastfeeding my baby and he's turning 1 soon, doesn't mean I care that you think I should stop now, tomorrow, next week, next year.

Just because we are still keeping our son rearward facing in the car, doesn't mean he's unhappy and would be 'better' if he was turned around.  He's fine if he wasn't, we'd turn him around.

Just because I won't give the Mushroom any refined sugar until after his first birthday, doesn't make me a bad parent.

Just because I went back to work early, doesn't mean you get to judge me and the decisions we had to make as a family so we could pay our bills.

Just because I bitch about Juffin sometimes, doesn't mean he's a bad guy.

Just because I'm overweight, doesn't mean I spend my day stuffing my face with crap.

Just because my boyfriend hasn't proposed yet, doesn't mean we will never get married.  And think about what you're going to say before you open your mouth.  How do I know why he hasn't proposed yet?  I'm not him!

I don't care how you feed your baby, boob or bottle, big deal.  I don't care what direction your car seat is facing in, do what's right for you.  I don't care if you feed your kid sugar.  I don't care if your partner/husband is perfect.  I don't care that your boyfriend proposed on the top of Mount Everest whilst you were serenaded by a choir of angels.  Icould go on, but I think I've made my point.

Being a parent is hard enough without having people thrust their opinions down your throat.  There's also a difference between giving friendly advice and being a judgmental cow.  I strive to do the former now but have been guilty pre-parenthood of the preachy 'you should do this' attitude.  What a dickhead.  I apologise wholeheartedly for being an obnoxious bitch to those affected.  I'm sorry.  I had no idea that you were dreaming of punching me in the face.

Disclaimer - I appreciate all the advice that I receive.  Friends, family, complete strangers.  This is in no-way directed at anyone in particular and nothing happened recently to influence this blog. Just read something online and it made me think about it...

17 Sep 2013


This is what my Mushroom does at meal times. 

And this was nothing.  Last night (I can't believe I didn't photograph it!) I had to take the damn highchair outside and hose it off.  HOSE IT!! There were bits of smushed up chickpea fritters every where! 

You can even see in this photo that a bit of food has hit the blind.  That white stuff is yoghurt. Yoghurt on the blinds.  Along with dust and crap but that I can ignore.  Yoghurt I cannot.  I even see some sweet potato on the skirting boards. 

Embarrassingly, my house is a pigsty.  I am no super mum.  I am flat out getting dinner ready these days and I only work part time.  I would literally die if I worked full time.  The Juffin is getting the shits with how messy the place is, but I don't see him jumping up to do anything as I sit here typing up my blog.  See, clearly a shit housewife as would rather blog than tidy up squalor. 

The list of things to do around the place is endless.  There is a literal mountain of clean clothes covering one of the couches (at least it's clean right?!), a load of nappies in the machine waiting to be hung out, dishes on the sink, spiders spinning webs up in the corners, the fans are ineffective at fanning as they have so much dust on them, the lawns are dead and the floor is a sticky, grotty mess.  We are disgusting. 

And this is how much I care...

See, that?  Exactly.  There was nothing there.  Could not give two shits. 

Yay for squalor and pigstyery.  Wow.  I just tried to use pigstyery as an adjective... perhaps the filth is affecting my brain?!   

10 Sep 2013

All I want for Christmas...

Is my two front teeth!

Ok not quite Christmas, but two front teeth!  Yay!!!!  

(soz for the booger nose shots too by the way but damn, it's hard to get a photo of the Mushroom's teeth!)

Thank f for that!  I thought only one had come through but it looks like the one on the left is not far behind. 

Now that they're through (mostly) maybe we'll get some damn sleep around here.... who am I kidding?  That will never happen, but I'm hoping against hope anyway. 

Judging from my awesome photo's, poor Mushroom's bloody fangs look like they're going to make an appearance in the not to distant future... damn you teeth! 

9 Sep 2013


On Friday the Mushroom spent his first night away from his Mum and Dad. 

I was nervous, the Juffin was nervous, the MIL was nervous... Mushroom wasn't nervous cos he had no idea what was going on. 

Breastfeeding has proved overnight stays away from the Mushroom a little difficult up until now.  I stopped night feeds about six weeks ago when I realized that it was more habitual rather than actual hunger.  It took a few days but he's mostly sleeping through til about 5am now at which time I do feed him because settling at 5am is not up on my list of fun things to do.

Despite this little win, the last month or so has been pretty bad as teething has caused the little one an insurmountable amount of drama.  Men. 

All of this lead up is just my way of justifying having a night off.  It was the Juffin's birthday, I had managed to stockpile a little milk and we had booked the movie and bought some drinks.  It was happening.  A night off.  I don't know what I was more excited about, the movie, the drinks or the prospect of an uninterrupted night's sleep!

During the movie and all the way home, I didn't think too much about the Mushroom.  I mean we'd been out for dinner and a movie before, so that was nothing new.  It wasn't until we got home and I went into his little room that it hit me that he wasn't there!  It was such a strange feeling, like wanting him there and needing to rush off and pick him up but also thanking my lucky stars that he WASN'T there so we could have some much needed quality time (read sleep).  You feel guilty that you are loving your alone time but sort of wish you did this more often, then feel even guiltier!  You know what I mean?  Anyway, I managed to shake off the weird feeling and get on with it.  It helped that the Juffin received a text message from the MIL advising Mushy went to bed no worries, sleeping well now... hmmm. 

You can guess what happened next, a youngish couple, first night off in months, bourbons in hand, one thing led to another and... yep, you guessed it, nothing at all.  That's right.  Nothing.  I mean we had some dinner, talked a bit, had a few cuddles on the couch.  I had two drinks, total and was feeling awesome until I fell asleep on the couch and had to be dragged off to bed by an equally tired Juffin. 

Ahh, bed, sleeepppp.  Uninterrupted sleeepppppppp.  God I love sleep... Hang on, what the hell is this?  Why am I being shaken awake, what time is it, what the hell is going on?  Is Max ok?  It's still bloody dark outside.  I'm met with a douchebag, sorry, man, towering over me asking me where the headache tablets are.  Are you fucking serious?  Do I take headache tablets?  Did you not have some last week?  Where the hell did you leave them after you took them?  It is FOUR AM!  FOUR!  My first night off in 11 months and you wake me up because you have a headache and you can't find the headache tablets that you are the sole consumer of? There is no emergency with our son, just douchebaggery at it's finest. 

After that I toss and turn for three hours silently fuming and regretting my choice of life mate.  At 7ish I finally admit defeat and get up to watch the news.  I'm actually just biding time so I can go and pick up my less annoying, younger male family member.  It's strange not seeing his little face first thing and I'm really missing him now.  Especially considering I got no bloody sleep anyway so he could have just been here! 

When I get to MIL's.  Alone.  I'm to discover that my shitty sleeper is not so shitty after all. Lo and behold, the boy slept just fine at his grandparent's house.  He woke up once (!) or twice (!!) but settled straight away with a cuddle and back into bed.  When I do that he just starts screaming again when I put him down...  I then had to listen to a barrage of how awesome he is from MIL and basically that I must be overreacting or doing something wrong re the sleeping.... I won't get into it here but it was long, and annoying and I was annoyed and tired.  And in no mood to deal with it.  Especially considering that everyone in that room has had more sleep than me! 

As my MIL is talking Mushroom is climbing all over me and babbling away with a big cheesy grin on his face, so happy to see me.  I can imagine the inner monologue, "I'm so glad you're back Mum, I like your chest where the milk comes out, why don't you break those out?  Come on, break them out, break them out, break them out, whoa, what's that noise?  Look!  I have a finger!  Look!  I can stick my whole fist in your mouth Mum! Guess what Mum? I can't wait to keep you up tonight as I'm so well rested from sleeping over at Meme's house"  Yeah I bet you can't you little turd...  I'm thinking maybe my little boy is a bit of a douchebag too?! 

Mini douchebag?!

3 Sep 2013


I'm at the end of a very long day. And I have to be up at 5.30 tomorrow morning to get to work by 8.  But I just had to share this.

Mushroom's Lunchbox 
I love packing my boy's lunchbox.  I mean I love food.  But I love putting all those yummy little things in his little lunchbox for him to munch on the next day.

From the top left going clockwise we have an avocado and vegemite sandwich (only one piece of bread), baby carrot and apple rice cakes, yoghurt with a cut up strawberry, a veggie and cheese muffin (homemade of course!), half a banana and some tuna fish and spinach cakes leftover from tonight's dinner.

Juffin is jealous.  I don't pack him a lunchbox.

2 Sep 2013

First Father's Day

The Juffin had his first Dad's day yesterday.  All things considered, it went off pretty well.

First I underestimated how much money we had as I had some unforeseen expenses so funds were low.  Despite this, I still think that Father's Day is more about the gesture, rather than the gift itself, so didn't want to go too crazy anyway, but it was like I was being punished or something.

Confident in my choices, I went to the bookstore to get the next book in the saga of books that the Juffin is reading, no go.  Hmmmmm, don't really want to get a different book as once he starts a series he likes to finishno other book stores in this centre so we'll just move onto the next choice....

Head to gift store for a 'World's Greatest Dad' mug as he has been breaking all his mugs lately,except there are no suitable mugs.  Holden mugs, Ford mugs, beer mugs, alcohol branded shit but no 'my Dad is kickass' mugs.  Like anywhere.  What the hell?!  Is there a conspiracy that I'm unaware of?  Did people just suddenly decide that the world is just too cool for a cheesy 'My Dad Rocks' mug?  What kind of world are we living in when there are NO CHEESY DAD MUGS FOR FATHER'S DAY?!

I run into my boys and I can tell that the Mushroom is getting shitty but the Juffin is shittier as he just loves hanging out in shopping centres doing nothing.  What am I doing to do?  I give the Mushroom a quick breastfeed whilst frantically thinking of things to buy in my head....  Ok. Deep breaths. I tell them I will be another half hour, tops.  The look on Juffin's face is not good but what can I do?  I cannot give him nothing for his first Father's Day!

All is not lost.  I have come up with a couple more back up ideas.  He has run out of his American Crew man hair and body wash so I'll just go to the Hairhouse Warehouse and get some of that.  Except when I get there there is an empty spot where the 3in1 is supposed to be.  I race to the counter where they inform me that there must be some sort of mistake as there were a few bottles there just yesterday... but there it is.  An empty spot which can only mean that they DON'T HAVE ANY!  WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?! The girl in the hairdresser is glad to be rid of me as I have that manic look in my eye. 

After all these disappointments I don't even know why I bother looking in the surf shop.  There are no size 11 Pacman thongs, nor size 34 boardies in the only pair that he would have been caught dead in.

Dejected and defeated, I have reached end of my tether shopping mode, usually reserved for the day before Christmas.  In a blinding moment of sheer desperation and genius I run into the trusty old supermarket.  I buy two giant mugs, one blue, one grey.  I buy copious amounts of chocolate.  I race around the corner, running like a mad thing, and see the fancy tea shop.  My man loves tea.  Tea it is!  I buy some of the most expensive tea known to man (I mean seriously, is there crack in that tea?) and I shove it all in my handbag.

Moral of this story is, don't leave things to the last minute.  Or Stockland sucks balls.  Either way, the Juffin didn't give two shits what we gave him for Father's Day.  The Mushroom did a painting for him at daycare so he's happy with that, and my man ain't fussy.  There's tea and chocolate so he's suitably chuffed.  Even more reason to be chuffed when I say he can stay in bed whilst we go to swimming without him, sleeping is the best present ever! Upon returning home I cook up a giant breakfast of eggs, bacon, beans and sausage, hash browns, mushrooms and tomatoes and feed him until all he can do is roll to the couch....  he's winning and it's only 10.30.

I won't tell you about the rest of our day, as that's just boring.  There was cupcakes and a I deboned a leg of lamb and made a kickass curry so he was thoroughly fed and watered making the Juffin a very happy man.

Story time with Dad

Ridiculously it's his bloody birthday on Friday so I will be trying to get his present tomorrow.  Or Wednesday. But definitely not leaving it until Thursday....  Yeah.  Right.