14 Nov 2016

Crisis

My daughter turned 7 months old yesterday.  7 months!!  And it's been a rough day.  I was up at 11 last night, then from 3 till 5 something with a crying, teething crankster.  I don't know if its due to the lack of sleep but I've been wondering, is it possible, at 35 years of age, to have a mid-life crisis?

I found photo's from school yesterday.  Hidden behind another photo in a frame, there was four or five shots from my teen years.  Being the 90s, we didn't have smart phones, which is great but also shit as I literally only have a handful of pics of me and my friends from this time.

Anyway, one of the photo's was of me sitting at a desk at the local newspaper when I did work experience.  I'm 15.


All I wanted to do, since before I can even remember, was be a journalist.  The next Jana Wendt.  So what happened?  It's 20 years later and I've done nothing in terms of a career.  I literally have no qualifications at all.

I started university but didn't finish.

I started certificates but didn't finish.

I've spent thousands of dollars attempting to get qualifications that I don't have.

Tonight Juffin asked me what I wanted to do, like really wanted to do for a job, and all I could think of was this blog, and editing books and that's never going to happen because it's too late.  I've missed the boat.  I fucked around, procrastinated, made excuses and now, now my chance at a career is over.

I actually cried and told him I couldn't talk about it.

Who in there right mind would hire someone to do a marketing job who's just turned 40 and has never worked in the field?  Why would someone do that when they can hire a 20 year old who has more experience, more know how, and is willing to work for half the price?

So I'm sitting here, feeling sorry for myself, wishing that I'd put at least a little bit of effort into using my brain for study and learning and not wasting it by re-reading the Tomorrow When the War Began series for the 6th time.

Because I'm not a teenager anymore.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who feels like this?  What the fuck am I going to do for the rest of my life?

And just because, here's another photo of me when I was a mere babe, because I'm like a poster child for the 90s minus the black choker and my lipstick is actually on point.