19 Dec 2012


I'm a traitor to the female population as I hate shopping.  Like really hate it.  So Christmas is like a super fun time for me.  Now, let me make this clear, I don't hate Christmas, I hate SHOPPING.  Say it with me, SHOPPING!  Ok, glad we got that cleared up.

There's something about shopping centres that just make me want to curl up in a ball and wail.  They're horrid, soul sucking places and I feel like the last few weeks I have spent all my damn time in them.  I love online shopping, online shopping is fun, and easy, and not soul sucking.  Physically walking about shopping centres with hundreds of other people is soul sucking.  I'll just say soul sucking one more time then we'll move on, soul sucking.  There we go.

By this stage,you're probably thinking that I'm a horrible grinch who hates buying gifts for people.  I don't hate buying people presents, I like buying people things.  I even like giving them the things that I have bought.  I just hate when you HAVE to buy presents and you have no idea what to buy them.  You spend hours wandering aimlessly looking at a million things and racking your brain for the perfect gift for someone who usually buys themselves the things that they want, or every gift idea you have is unbelievably expensive and therefore not feasible.  At this point you've been looking at the same crap for over 4 hours and you end up buying a piece of shit that you wouldn't even buy yourself just because you can't give them nothing.  To top off your super fun experience, the shops are bloody awful at this time of year and people are 'expletive, expletive' rude.  I have a damn pram, get the f out of the way!!

Shopping with an infant makes shopping even more fun.  Not.  Getting bloody organised to go out is hard enough.  I literally start getting ready 2 hours before we have to get out the door.  Especially if the Mushroom is still awake.  If he's awake then I get cried at every time I'm not paying attention to him.  He'll be happily playing on his mat, or in his bouncer, I take my eyes off him for one second to check the nappy bag situation and then it starts.  Rockstar.  No shit.  So then we start the whole song and dance, whilst I try and cart him around and organise bags and nappies and prams and the kitchen sink (I was just kidding about the kitchen sink....)  If I haven't had a shower at this point then that can take even longer.  I've even put his bouncer in the bathroom and left the shower door open so he can see me.  It's a little weird but it works for now and much better than coming out and finding a screaming mess because I dared leave his sight for 5 minutes.  Little darling.

So getting organised, right.  I have to check the nappy bag, make sure there's at least one nappy for every hour of proposed expedition.  At least one change of clothes for Mushroom, in case he pees on himself or has an accident as he's prone to do.  Two wraps, one to wrap around him as it's cold in the shops, one to put over the pram so the fluoro lights don't make him crazy.  Wipes, bottom balm, baggies for used wipes, wet bag for dirty nappies.  Spew rag.  A toy.  His red book, in case we have medical dramas whilst we're out.  Mum's purse, keys, lip balm, paracetamol, water bottle and a spare shirt for Mum in case we have shoulder spewies.  Yes.  I have to carry around all that shit.

When we finally get all that crap together, we have to start the car and put the pram in.  In North Queensland it's always a gazillion degrees, so you have to cool the car down before you put your baby into it otherwise you will cook them.  I'm not kidding.  If the car's been out in the sun all morning, it's nigh on 45c inside that thing.  You could fry an egg on the bonnet.  I usually let the car run for at least 5 minutes whilst I pack it up and then put the Mushroom in there just before we go so it's not too bad by the time we depart.  You can see why it takes me 2 hours to get ready.....

Once we get to the shops, the Mushroom will decide whether he wants to be good or be like his mother  mother and start with the shopping anxiety.  Bonus is that he likes his peanut thing on the pram and 99% of the time he's happy in there looking about with big eyes and watching me whilst we wheel around and try to navigate ridiculously overstuffed shops full of crap.  I try to keep my happy face on so he doesn't get upset...  We usually only need to visit the parent room once or twice for feeding or changing, but generally he'll go to sleep better when we're out than if he's at home... no idea what that's about.  Obviously gets tired from checking everything out! It's amazing how he can sleep with all that bloody noise going on around him!

Our shopping ventures usually end with one of us in tears, any guesses who that is.  Give you a hint, it's not the Mushroom. I'm so over the whole shopping thing.  It's impossible to shop properly when you've got a pram as you can't carry everything and some items require a trolley.  I bought something for my Dad which had to be carried and I was trying navigate the pram, hold onto said gift and juggle the giant nappy bag and other bags of shopping also.  I've even ended up using the pram as a trolley and carrying the Mushroom but that always ends badly as the pram is even harder to steer whilst loaded up with crap... oh the joys!

The moral of this story is, I'm not going back to the shops with the Mushroom by myself.  Either the Juffin comes too or I leave the Mushroom at home with his Dad and venture out alone.  After several successful forays, I've only got 3 presents left to buy and I know exactly what I'm getting so whilst it should be an easy expedition, there is a certain maniacal edge to fellow shoppers as we get closer to Christmas and it's making me quite afraid.... The worst part of the whole sorry situation is that I can't drink a bottle of vodka on Christmas Day to make up for all the agonising shopping ventures.  Boo bloody hiss!

Mushroom - The Christmas Elf
Next time:  'Is he a good baby?'  Argghhhh!!!!