11 Jun 2013

Wreck

I've been a bit of a wreck the last few weeks.  Things have gone a little awry.  I'm not sure where to start...

I turned 32 last week.  32.  Far out.  Where the hell did the last 15 years go?  I feel like I finished school yesterday but in actual fact it was 15 FRICKING YEARS AGO!  Reality check much?

Mushroom has not been the easiest baby to deal with over the last month either. 5+ wakings a night some nights, not sleeping past 30 minutes again throughout the day, crying, and screaming.  A lot.

Mushroom is also exploring his surroundings by tormenting me.  He punches, kicks, claws, pinches, bites, pulls and hits. It's awful.  Yesterday I actually cried as he ripped some skin off my nose whilst simultaneously pulling hair out of my head.  I literally had tears well up in my eyes and I had to stop myself from retaliation.  Funny how you instinctively want to smack them one right back but you stop yourself.  It hurt, and I was in labour for a really long time and that was WAY out of line. Some days everything is just so awful that I want to lay down on the floor with him and cry.  Ok, so I did that already.  Once.  It was a shit day.  

Breastfeeding has become an extreme sport with my nipples being twisted and pulled every which way as the little demon kicks and pushes up all over me wending this way and that.  I have had to forcibly hug him close to my body to stop him from ripping my nipple right off.  And he doesn't even have teeth yet.  I live in fear for dentine...

My relationship has been a little strained, not that I'll share the nitty gritty here but apparently it's extremely common for couples to hit a rough patch after they have children.  I know.  I googled it.

Last night I tried to have my Mum over for dinner and the Mushroom woke up 3 times before 9.30.  At that waking he wouldn't settle so my Mum ended up leaving and we were up with him until 11.30pm when I finally just said enough is enough, shoved the dummy in his mouth and walked out of the room.  He must have gone to sleep as I didn't hear from him again until 3.45am, sleepily fed him and he went back to sleep until 7.  Hallelujah.

This morning I woke up with no less than 4 giant pimples on my face, a bloated gut, bags that you could put change in under my eyes, terrible hair and no will to get out of bed.  I just want to crawl under a rock and not come out for a week.  Or a year.  Whichever.  I miss reading my books, watching my tv shows, drinking my wine.  I miss my boyfriend and how much fun we used to have together.  I miss not having to do 2 loads of washing EVERY SINGLE DAY.

The point of this post is, what are you supposed to do?  I know that I'm not alone.  I know that my Mushroom doesn't understand that he's twanging my last nerve.  He has developed leaps and bounds the last four weeks and I know that he's mostly just shitty because he's frustrated.  Frustrated by a body that won't cooperate, a mother that won't understand him and a world that seems a bit too big for him still.

I love my son so much, especially after today when he was so super clever and was thinking he was King Mushroom standing up at the lounge grinning at me.  I know that in a year's time I won't remember feeling this crappy, I'll have a whole new set of worries on my mind, but today, right now, everything is bit much and I'm going to have a glass of red wine and eat some chocolate lava cake, cuddle my boyfriend instead of yelling at him and try to feel like a human being again.

Oh and I might do a mud mask cos my skin is seriously up to shit lately.

Chocolate Lava Cake with Salted Caramel filling and
a dollop of double cream.  Heaven on a plate.