30 Dec 2013

How do you know...

How do you know that you're a bad mother?  Oh let me count the ways!

You give your child rice crackers
Apparently rice crackers are like, super bad for you.  They are a mega carb or some such nonsense and ANY form of rice snack/cracker/cake whatever, is the equivalent of eating a whole bowl of rice.  With lard.  Topped with sugar.  For reals.  It was totes on the internet so it must be true.  I give Mushroom rice crackers every damn day.  I thought it was better than giving him potato chips or sugar laden biscuits.  Apparently I am mistaken.  FAIL.  

Your ultimate fantasy involves a night in a hotel room. With takeaway food and a bottle of wine/vodka.  Alone.  Or Jake Gyllenhaal, actually probs not.  That means I'd have to wax.  I am not one of these mother's who cannot leave their child for a few hours, without tearing up or thinking about them constantly.  I mean I work, so I leave my son for six hours a day, four days a week.  I have super cute photo's of him on my desk and I do think about him.  I would kill to be a stay at home Mum, but, honestly, some days I cannot wait to get away from him.  Some days when I hit that highway I just want to keep on going.  Some days I wish I was single and I could eat popcorn for dinner.  Clearly that is a motherhood FAIL.

Your vocabulary mostly consists of the word NO and "What did Mummy say?"
Sometimes at the end of the day I get into bed and I realise that all I said to my son that day was varying forms of the negative: no, stop that, ahhhh don't touch etc.  You're not supposed to say no anymore.  It makes your child crazy or stupid or emotionally challenged or mentally underdeveloped or colours their spiritual aura.  I don't know, I can't remember specifics but it's bad.  And I do it all the time.  Sometimes I even say fuck in front of him.  Not to him, but in front of him.  Ok, most days I say fuck.  Fuck, that IS really, REALLY BAD!  FAIL.

You use string to babyproof
Little people who are extremely mobile can also be extremely dangerous.  To themselves.  And to anything that is at their eye level or within their reach.  This means no drawer, cupboard, table, sliding door, blind, shelf, switch, plug or ledge is safe.  Pretty much your whole house is a death trap.  As we're totally crap, we have used string to secure our cupboards and drawers.  That and closing doors to death trap rooms, like the toilet and the bathroom.  Closing doors isn't a fail, the use of good ol' string is though.  FAIL.

ABC Kids is your favourite TV channel
Sometimes your child will treat you as their own personal stripper pole.  This can be annoying.  They also like to grunt and make 'EEEEEHHHHHH' noises whilst trying to climb your legs, pull your pants down or generally make you stop what you're doing and pay immediate attention to their ever increasing need.  Sometimes their need coincides with cooking a meal and juggling hot things in the kitchen or going to the toilet. Kitchen stuff I can sometimes leave, bathroom stuff, no way.  So that's where ABC kids comes in.  If it weren't for Giggle and Hoot, Peppa Pig, Sesame Street and In the Night Garden I would be a starving woman with poo stains in her pants.  Skinny would be good, poo stains not so much. According to a gazillion medical and scientific studies any television/screen time before 3 years old is bad news.  FAIL.

Your child wakes crying in the night and you pretend to keep sleeping so your partner will get up
Self explanatory really.  Sometimes I'm really just too tired and I fear if I go into the Mushroom's room I might yell at him and tell him to go the F back to sleep. Even though I don't do this, I think it, so that makes another big fat FAIL.

You consider re-wrapping toys that your child already has and pretending they are new for Christmas presents.  
I mean, am I right?  Does he even know what's in the bottom of those toy buckets?  I bet he doesn't.  When I suggested this to my partner he looked at me aghast.  I guess it was a bad idea.  FAIL.

Arsenic hour exit strategy's are your forte
You advise your beloved that you're out of 'insert crucial dinner ingredient here' and have to run up to the shops.  You shut the door on a child about to climb the walls with hunger and tiredness and head up to the shops only to spend half an hour chatting to your sister on the phone in the carpark as it's the only chance you get to have an uninterrupted conversation.  FAIL.

I have given my child chicken nuggets 
Nuff said really.  Do you even know what's in a chicken nugget?  I have a vague idea and none of it is nice or wholesome, or remotely good for you.  I'm out of excuses.  EPIC FAIL.

There are more.  But I don't want to tell you about them for fear of vindication and ridicule from the masses of perfect parents out there. Yes, my tongue was firmly in my cheek when I just wrote that. Feel free to comment below.  Judgement free zone.

Even the Mushroom thinks I'm a bad mother!
Yes, I did take a photo of my son whilst he was having a meltdown at bedtime.  I TOLD you I was a terrible Mother!