22 Dec 2013

The Grinch

Yesterday I turned into the Grinch.  Big time.

As we've discussed before, I'm not the best shopper.  Soul sucking comes to mind.  This is only worsened by the fact that Juffin is the world's most ridiculous shopping partner.  So my whinge this year, on top of my general 'I hate shopping' rant is 'I hate shopping with the Juffin' rant.  I HATE it.

At one point I nearly took off my beautiful engagement ring and threw it at him.

The 'end of our relationship' hate.

Think Sauron in the Lord of the Rings hate.

That's how much I hate shopping with the most indecisive, unapologetic, frustrating human being on the face of the planet.

Things are only exacerbated by the fact that our little Christmas savings account has been raided several times over the year leaving us with not much in the way of dollars to pay for things.

I'm being naughty and doing gift vouchers for my nearest and dearest but only because they're all going to be in Brisbane this year and my bro is taking the presents down for me and has limited space.  I also didn't want to pay for postage.  I know, I'm an awful, awful person.

My niece however, deserves a present she can unwrap and hold (not that the rest of family don't but she's 4 so it's more exciting for her.  Ok, that's not very fair on the rest of my family but I'm sorry guys, you know I love you!) So I was in one of the department stores, you know the one, with the giant red circles, there are people jostling everyone, kids screaming, sticky unknown items clinging to the bottom of my shoes.  I am pushing my angelic, sleeping child down the too narrow toy aisles, trying to remember what my sister told me was the 'must have item' this year.  I was failing.  I turn to ask for support from Juffin and lo and behold he's nowhere to be found.  I'm faced with an aged lady clutching a fluorescent pink my little pony who's trying to squeeze past my sizable arse and my huge pram.  "Sorry, excuse me," she says as she pushes past in one direction, I turn and try to lift the back wheels of the pram closer to the shelf as a kid coming from the other direction pushes past, "S'cuse me!" he bellows.  I'm about to have a coronary.  If all these arsehats wake up my child there will be blood in the aisles.

I take a deep breath and call the sister.  Ahhh, Lalaloopsy.  Of course.  Idiot Jess.  She chastises me for leaving my shopping until the last few days but I know that she was doing hers two days ago so whatever.  I manage to locate the dolls and marvel at their giant heads.  Why must dolls have giant heads?  I know that Barbie is nowhere near anatomically correct but even her head is on the largish side.  So weird.  After contemplating this for a moment, I pick two and then force my way out of toy aisle hell in search of the missing Juffin.   It will be a surprise to no-one that he's looking at Lego.  Star Wars Lego to be specific.  My 33 year old fiance is looking at Star Wars Lego.  Oh dear.  I berate him for going missing then ask him why he is looking at Lego that our son will not be able to play with or be interested in for at least 5 years (crossing fingers for never here but with a super nerd for a Dad the likelihood is high).  He tries to tell me that he's looking for Mushroom and that it's a good investment.  Wow.  Lego as an investment.  Now I've heard it all.

That was just the beginning.  Everything out of his mouth after that grates on my every nerve.  I get a mumbled 'I dunno' after every question.  I ask if he's hungry, 'I dunno', I ask if he wants to go anywhere else 'I dunno', are you an alien from Mars 'I dunno'.  We go to change the Mushroom's nappy and he just stands there while I go to the toilet.  Doesn't think to start changing him without me, that would be helpful and appreciated.  I am gritting my teeth so hard that my jaw is starting to hurt.  It's only been 90 minutes and I am ready to run away and leave this man forever.  FOR EVER!

Generally I can deal with Juffin's laid back attitude.  It balances out my ridiculously highly strung nature but shopping just does something to me.  It's the putrid combination of crowds, fluorescent lighting and ugly clothes.  It makes me nuts.  Add a shoestring budget, limited present options due to postage and weight, time constraints, and limited input from a mute partner and I turn into a psycho hose beast.  And I think the thing that makes it all the more worse is that it's all my own fault.  I have no-one to blame as I just couldn't get my shit together this year.  At least last year I had the newborn excuse, this year I got nothing!  I couldn't even be bothered posting on this blog, let alone being organised for Christmas. At the toy sales in July, why wasn't I there with all the other nutso Mum's rushing in and laybying my little heart out?  What's wrong with me?

It's not the end of the world.  Hilariously, now that I've hashed it all out on the keyboard, I do feel a little better.  I'm not going to leave him, despite my fervent desire to do so, it would just do me good to remember that I don't shop well with others.  Even my chosen life partner.  We'll sort our shit out and Christmas will not be a total disaster but, honestly, can I just get it the F together next year so I don't have to cry?  Third times a charm right?

Santa Juffin
The only thing that made me laugh today was turning Juffin into Santa.

That and my son turning the stereo off every 2 seconds for nearly the entire Drapht album.  Juffin was actually getting cranky.  I did nothing to stop it.