21 Apr 2016

First

Molly is now a week old.  I don't know why but I can't continue to call her Baby Beet like I did with the Mushroom.  It just feels weird and a bit wrong.  So Molly it is.

Anyway, since coming home from the hospital, my poor first born has been acting out.

He's been naughty at bedtime, won't settle, won't eat dinner, yelling and answering back, poos in pants, hitting and kicking me.. you name it, he's doing it.

Of course this was expected.

But you feel so fucking guilty.

I can't pick him up and cuddle him.

I can't get down on the floor and play with him.

To make matters worse, I keep yelling at him to stop being so rough with me as he barrels into me at full speed and he's the same height as my scar.  He then starts hitting me on purpose because he's angry and frustrated.

Yesterday he tried to get up on the couch for a cuddle whilst I was breastfeeding and it was just too sore.  He was wriggling around, squashing me, squashing Molly.  I sucked it up and held out for as long as I could.

In the mornings, I've been trying to have one on one time with him while he has breakfast but now he doesn't want a bar of me.

All day long I now hear: "No Mummy, Daddy do it."

I feel bloody shitful about it.  So guilty, so torn. Tonight, tonight I felt like crying.

Every night, Juffin reads Mushroom stories and then I go in and sit with him until he goes to sleep. Some may think this is excessive at his age but it works and I'm only in there for 10 or 15 minutes and it's nice to have a little yak with him before he nods off to sleep.

So tonight, he said no Mum, I don't want you to sit with me, I want Daddy to sit with me.

Cue Jessica heartbreak.

I know we're all adjusting, it's hard.  But I just want my happy boy back and then I feel guilty for having another child all over again. Hooray for baby blues!

Bugalugs in his new seat!