6 Nov 2017

Shark Week

Disclaimer: If you don't like hearing about women's health issues, then please stop reading right now.  I mention words like vagina and bleeding in the same sentence below so if you're in any way squeamish, kindly piss off.

Last week I had to visit my GP because I had not had my period for two months.

Yes my friends, two months.

That is some scary ass shit.

I'm currently not on any form of contraception.  The mini pill makes me crazy, (I'm not joking, I literally turn into an even crazier, angrier, obnoxious arsehole and I cannot do that to myself or my family), and I'm still tossing up the mirena.  The last six months have not been fun for me and my poor broken body, so the thought of fooling around more just gives me the heebies.  I just wanted my body to have a break for a bit.  Obviously it didn't get the memo because I hadn't menstruated since the end of August.

Since late September I have done six pregnancy tests.  SIX.

When I had to take a day off work last Monday because I had the beginnings of a hormonal migraine and was so bloated and cramped and couldn't get out of bed properly, I thought finally it was on it's way, but alas, still no period by Tuesday morning. I decided it was time to face the music and made a Doctor's appointment.

After doing yet another pregnancy test at the surgery, my GP referred me for a blood test, just to be absolutely sure that I was not pregnant and in the event that my period had still not arrived, a pelvic ultrasound.  Remember this post here, where I waxed lyrical on my love of pelvic ultrasounds... needless to say, I was fucking thrilled.

At this stage I start freaking out that I am actually pregnant.  That seven pregnancy tests are all wrong and somehow, by some of cosmic joke, I've become pregnant and my life is literally over.  Of course I love my kids, but fuck me, I am so done.  Two is my absolute limit.  I have no room left in my heart, or my car, for more children.  And as I'm such a great birther (sarcasm) I'm not sure my body can handle any more drama in that department.

It's the longest 24 hours of my life.

When the GP finally calls to confirm that I am indeed, not pregnant, I almost weep for joy. She says she's never talked to someone who's so happy to NOT be pregnant and she laughs.  I cackle like the crazy person that I am and she tells me to make the ultrasound appointment.

The next day I get a call as they've had an appointment come up that day at 11. I head out, on a work day, to my appointment assuming I will be an hour tops.

Fun fact, your organs are mobile.  They do not just sit still inside your body.  Your uterus for example, moves around in your body.  Yes.  I know.  My mind was also blown.  It did help being told this whilst I had been laying on an uncomfortable trolley with no pants on whilst a woman has a probe in my vagina.  Yes, I have to have the transvaginal ultrasound because my uterus is being uncooperative and they can't get a clear picture of my endometrium.

Yes. You read that correctly, I had a woman, probe my vagina, for almost 30 minutes and Medicare covered it.  There is not enough wine in the world.

I am yet to hear the results of my ultrasound as my follow up GP appointment is tomorrow.

In true Jessica fashion however, my period arrived with a vengeance yesterday morning and I feel thoroughly disgusting.  My back is aching, I have a headache, and it's like a murder scene every time I go to the toilet.

This morning after changing my tampon every hour I gave up and went back to pads.

I know.  It's fucking gross.

And I'm not saying that periods are gross and being a woman is gross, it just feels messy and unpleasant and I haven't had my period for two whole months so it literally IS like a great white has attacked my nether regions and I feel nasty AF.  Why hasn't the human body evolved so women do not have to suffer through having blood come out of their vagina every month for 35+ years?  Like childbirth, it seems archaic and unnecessary!

Hopefully my visit goes well tomorrow... I will keep you posted!

Fake it till you make it!