27 Nov 2017

Frustrated

I just spent 45 minutes crying over my phone because my body is fucking stupid and can't get it's shit together.

On Thursday last week I opened a letter from the Townsville Hospital saying that I have been assessed and placed on a Category 3 Wait List. 

For an appointment. 

Within 365 days.

That's a fucking year.

If I'm then seen for my appointment and they deem, again, that I'm still a category 3, then I will go on a surgery waiting list, and be seen for surgery, within 365 days. 

Another year. 

I could literally be waiting for two years to have this stupid cyst removed, in which time I will suffer ridiculously painful periods, bloating, random painful attacks and increased emotional stress because my body is shit and there's nothing I can do about it.

Best case scenario at this point is that it will probably burst and I'll have to have emergency surgery.  Which is always heaps of fun. 

I had this grand plan.  I thought I could go and see a Doctor in Brisbane and have the treatment privately but after doing some pretty thorough research, it looks like none of the Doctors in Brisbane participate in health fund schemes either so I'm literally screwed.  I may as well stay here and pay the exorbitant fees because at least I'm supporting the local economy right?

Right?

I'm so upset and disappointed with myself.  Disappointed with my useless fat body. 

I feel like this could have somehow been avoided, like this is my fault.  That I've brought this on myself for being fat and lazy and it's caused my stupid girl organs to malfunction or something.

Like I'm being punished for 18 years of laziness and poor food choices. 

Does being fat make you more susceptible to ovarian cysts?

Does being fat make your periods painful and awful and heavy?  So much so that your iron is so low and you're exhausted most of the time? 

Is it because I smoked cigarettes for years?

Is it because I binge drank anything and everything all throughout my twenties?

Is it because I lied to my parents when I was a teenager?

Is it because I have an unhealthy addiction to the popcorn?

Juffin has just said that we'll get a loan to cover the gap fees for the procedure and I'll just do it in the new year.  We just don't have a few thousand dollars for emergencies.  We just don't have a few thousand dollars.  This is our reality.

In the meantime, I'll just try not to wallow and dwell on how shit my stupid body is.