1 Jan 2018

Happy New Year!

I wish I could say that I spent my first day of 2018 productively, but that would be a big, fat lie.  I spent my day rolling around in bed, watching Veronica Mars, which I've seen in it's entirety about 4 times already, and eating things I shouldn't.

I woke up with a bad headache. And not from drinking too much alcohol last night.  I wish.  I think my period is on its way, yay... not.  No, we took the kids to see the family fireworks at Riverway, and, I don't know why, but this morning I woke up feeling a bit shite and sorry for myself so I left the boys to it, after putting Molly down for a nap and I retreated to the AC cave that is my bedroom.

At some stage this afternoon I felt guilty and thought we probably should have organised something to do today, something fun, like take a day trip somewhere, but it was too late, and I feel shithouse about it.  So I took the kids for a big long swim and threw Mushroom around the pool a bit.  Don't get me wrong, he had fun with his Dad today, they built lego, watched movies, created things, I just feel like we should have organised something.  It's the first day of 2018 after all, and he starts school soon....  I don't feel like I'm winning any parenting awards.

2017 has been our toughest year yet.  Mushroom has been especially challenging.  His behaviour has gotten pretty shocking.  Hitting, yelling, hurting his sister, disobedience and defiance.  I'm not sure what to do to be honest.  I'm trying to be consistent, not lose my temper.  It's hard.  Last night, he just went mental.  He was running around crazy, throwing stuff in the air, pushing his sister over.  It was like he'd never been outside before.  We had to threaten to leave a few times and Juffin had to use his Dad voice.   It was only when they announced that the fireworks were starting, did he sit down.  And my goodness!  He was so mesmerised and full of joy, that I started to cry. How can you be so challenging?  And frustrating and defiant and then be so lovely and sweet!  He was snuggling up to me with his little face to the sky in total awe.  I had the realisation that in all his five years, he'd never seen fireworks in real life before.  He used words like magnificent and amazing.  I felt so awful.  So guilty.  It was a bit of a moment.

So I'm selfish.  That goes without saying. We all like doing specific things and I'm no exception.  It's just hard to drag around kids that won't listen, who won't stay still, who misbehave, who cry when you say no to that giant icecream/packet of chips/ride and then you have to deal with all the judgey looks from all the people staring as you drag your son away and chastise him through gritted teeth.  Add stupid heat to that equation and you've got a shite situation.

I don't deal well with it but I need to stop worrying about it.  It's making me crazy.  I love my kids and this year, I'm going to try harder.  After the shit year that 2017 was, and all the amazing help that we received, I am only hoping that 2018 is a tad better.

I'm going to try harder and be there for my kids, do more, listen more, be 'present'.  I want to give back to my community a little bit.  I'm going to stop yelling at Juffin, stop being jealous of others and what they have, read more books and watch less TV.  Move more and be more mindful of goes into my mouth.

I just want to be a better Mum, lover, friend, colleague and family member.

Not much right?

Hahahah

Tiring them out after a lazy day