My Mum was so upset. She'd paid for my school trip, organised my bags, dropped me off at the bus, yada yada yada, and I was the ungrateful arsehole who didn't even THINK about buying her a present until we we almost at home, let alone, appreciate all the things that my Mother had sacrificed to send me on that damn trip. I mean, I bought myself Docs on that damn trip. What an arsehole.
It always makes me super sad and I think about it a lot. Especially because obviously I loved my Mum, but I guess I didn't like her very much. I was a teenager, she was kind of a hard arse and I felt so misunderstood. I thought I knew everything and she knew nothing. Clearly that is totally wrong. My Mum is amazing, hilarious, smart and strong, and so generous. Not only do I love her now, I like her heaps. She's the first person I call if I need someone. I was just 14 and I thought I knew it all and she couldn't possibly understand what life was like for me. The fact that I didn't even think about her is clearly the most devastating piece of info above. Obviously I was a totally selfish bitch. To be forgotten, not thought of at all, that's the most hurtful thing about it I think.
|"My want Daddy"|
Tonight I sat on one side of the table as the kids fought over who sat next to Juffin. He ended up sitting in the middle whilst they sat on either side.
Yesterday I got home from being out and there was no-one waiting to greet me at the door but whenever Juffin returns from anywhere there is DADDY! DADDY'S HOME! DADDDDDYYYYY! And hysterical jumping and loving. Me returning home, Hi everyone! Silence.
I wanted to smack him in his laughing face.
I know that this is all normal. I know that there has to the favourite and the other one, and I know that my kids love me, but damn, it doesn't feel good to be the other one. It doesn't feel good at all.
I'm sorry Mum. I wish I could take back that crappy soap and whatever other stupid thing I gave you. 14 year old Jess needs a smack in the chops.
It's been a hard week culminating in a beer induced migraine last night and I'm feeling just a wee bit flat. I missed my workout yesterday, I didn't do the hill this morning, I ran out of time to bake and I'm now a day behind with my washing. Molly has been getting progressively harder to handle and Mushroom's behaviour has not improved. I can't help but feel like I'm a crappy Mother and when they prefer their father over me, it feels like that's just proving the point. Especially when you are the one who organises their entire lives.
What's the solution? Suck it up Jess. Get over it and get used to it. Which I will. But I've come here to vent about it in the meantime. Being a Mum is fucking hard. Bring on Monday and a fresh outlook. This week was crap.