16 Dec 2015

Dead

I'll be honest.  My car has never been high on my list of priorities to clean.  Listing my preference for cleanliness AND willingness TO clean in order as follows:


  1. underwear 
  2. kitchen
  3. bathroom/toilet
  4. clothes
  5. floors 
  6. bedroom
  7. rest of house
  8. yard
  9. neighbours yard 
  10. then, like, dead last, my car 


Obviously a real lover of cleaning.  I don't know what's wrong with me. I like clean things, I enjoy the smell of eucalyptus and tea tree. I'm just a slob.

Anyway, sometimes I get angry at myself for being so useless.  I look around at the baskets of clothes to fold and put away, the cobwebs in the corner, the dust on the blinds and it usually annoys me for all of 30 seconds and then the enormity of actually cleaning and doing all those cleany type things gets me really, super down and I go watch some Netflix or sit on the toilet and I get over it.... you know, what a slob would do.

My car is no exception, however of late I've noticed that there are a number of ants that are now inhabiting my vehicle.  They have moved in.  Lock stock.  And they're not those little sugar ants, they're those big black bitey ants. And they're bitey.  And they're biting me. I have tried talking to the ants and telling them that my car is not their new abode and I am not their new chew toy so can they can kindly remove themselves from vehicle and find somewhere else to live but it has fallen on deaf ears.  It's like they're not even listening.

If that wasn't distressing enough, today I got in the car and it smelt like a dead thing.  Like something was rotten and putrid and dead.

Because this




Mushroom is worse than me.  There were apple cores, cracker crumbs, pizza bits, sand, dirt, sticky unidentifiable stinky items... I nearly heaved a number of times.

I am embarrassed to say that I used to berate my sister about her filthy car in years gone by and now, now I feel nothing but shame.  I'm a working parent.  I get it.  Toddlers are actually completely unstoppable and you literally have a thousand other things to clean over your bloody car.  Like poo pants and wee dribbles and yoghurt off the wall opposite the kitchen table.  If I had money, I would pay someone to clean my fucking disgusting car, but I don't.

With this post I would like to offer my sister a heartfelt apology.  I'm sorry spiritual sista.  I'm sorry for giving you a hard time about your disgusting, gross car.  I should have offered to clean it for you but being the selfish childless person that I was when I made those comments, it didn't even occur to me to offer.

In summary, my car is a total disgrace.  I can no longer ignore the problem, or stand to smell the problem so it looks like my Friday afternoon will now be taken up with car cleaning duties.  Don't anyone tell Juffin, he'll keel over if he knew I was planning on spending any time inside my car cleaning it.. I remember wistfully when he loved me enough to do it for me... those days are long gone! (insert mega sadface emoji here).