22 Dec 2015

Shithead Things Three Year Old's Do

Fact: Life with a Three Year Old is never dull.

Also fact:  Three Year Old's are total shitheads.

I don't know why people say that age Two is terrible, Three is much, much worse.  I would even go as far to say that Three is fucked.

So this post is entitled:  Shithead things that Three Year Old's Do

1. Run
The Mushroom is a runner.  If we're out, he bolts.  The shops, the park, the beach, the pool, he just legs it and he doesn't come back.  He doesn't acknowledge me calling him, threats of violence don't contain him and the promise of reward if he doesn't run has nil effect.  I know now why people put their children on leashes.  I want to so bad.  

2.  Piss and Shit Everywhere
We are currently experiencing a total toilet training regression.  He has started pissing and shitting his pants again.  This is after being super awesome for months.  I pick him up from daycare and he is only wearing jocks because he's been through three pairs of shorts in 8 hours.  When questioned on why he's having so many accidents, I get the illuminating response of: 'my no know'.  I can be thankful he's actually answered me I guess as this is another shithead thing that three year olds do.  

3. Selective Hearing
Selective hearing is one of my pet peeves.  I just can't condone people who don't fucking listen.  I can forgive you if you legitimately didn't hear me but when I repeatedly ask you the same question 5 times and you don't respond, look out.  It boils my goat.  I get so angry that I envision ripping arms out of sockets.  It doesn't help that my lovely fianc√© has the same issue.

Arseholes.

4.  Whine.
Like all the FRICKING TIME!  My want it, my want it, my want it, my want it, my waaaaannnnt iiiiitttt, MYYYY WAAAANNNNNTTTT IIIIITTTTTTT, MMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYY WWWWAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTTT IIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTT!!

You get the idea.  I don't have any teeth left.  I've ground them all away.

5.  Yell
I'm loud.  I'll admit that.  However, the Mushroom is louder. He has no concept of inside voices.  He yells everything and gets so excited that he nearly pees his pants.  If I don't answer him immediately he yells until I do.  I tried to point out the irony of this to him today as see previous paragraph regarding selective hearing but it fell on deaf ears.  Literally.

6.  Sudden Aversions to Random Things
Yesterday I was yelled at to get the 'special apple machine' down from the top of the fridge as he couldn't eat his apple with the skin on... despite 3 hours earlier devouring an entire apple, skin and all. Has total tantrum on the floor because he wants the skin removed immediately or the earth will shrivel up and die.

7.  Wanting Anything That Isn't Theirs
Example:
Would you like a cracker Mushroom?
No my wouldn't.
Ok,  I'm having crackers.
NO! MY DON'T WANT CRACKERS!
Rightio!  No crackers for you.

I sit down to eat crackers.

Muuuuuummmmmmmmm, my try some?

8. Everything Is Mine
Nuff said really.


The list could really go on and on and on and on and ON!

Motherhood.  Why am I having another one again?!  Oh that's right, he's the bees knees (insert love heart face emoji here)