15 Dec 2015

Whale Tale

Today we dressed festively for work and I felt like a whale.  I still feel like a whale.  I don't think I look like a pregnant person, I just look like a massively obese person who should hide under a garbage bag.  

14 months ago I had a bit of an epiphany re my fatness and decided to do something about it.  We'd been trying to conceive for 12 months at that stage and still nothing. I guess at that point I realised that my health was probably an issue.  

I started training 6 days a week, cardio and strength.  I cut back on my intake.  I tracked my food using an app, gave up sugar and started paying attention to how much I was putting on my plate and, in turn, going into my mouth.  

I made progress.  

By February I'd lost nearly 12kg.  That's the first photo.  There's only 1.5kg difference between February and April but I think the picture speaks for itself.  It was just happening so SLOWLY!  How can you go from couch potato to motivated molly and only lose 13kg over 6 months?!  It was frustrating as fuck!  So then I did what I always do.  I gave up.  Not totally at first but I started slipping.  Bigger serves here, a few chips there,...  I celebrated my friends 40th and my own birthday in June and had a bit of a blow out.  I ate lots, drank lots, cake, cocktails, lots of bread... yay for birthday's!  I fit into an awesome dress and felt really good about myself for the first time in ages.  I could do this.  I'll stick with this. I'll be a fit, healthy person.  

The day after my birthday I found out I was pregnant. 

Two days after that I wasn't pregnant any more.

I won't go into it in this post, as that's a WHOLE other story, but the emotional eating definitely kicked in and my motivation slowly dried up. 

I don't know why I couldn't maintain my drive.  I don't know why I reverted back to eating too much and doing too little.  It all just seemed to hard and I was just so sad. 

I haven't put all those kg back on, but it feels like I have.  And now that I'm pregnant, and it's all going ok this time, I feel like such a failure because I worked so hard and I was getting so fit. I feel huge already and I have a long way to go...  

I'm not sure what the point of this post is.  Maybe as a reminder that I can do it, that I will get there again, that there's nothing stopping me except me.  

Weightloss is 100% a mental journey.  

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